Category: Latest News

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Week 191 – Silence, Love Tips And A Request To Any Somalian Pirates.

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Well here we are at Week 191.

I was thinking on what to write yesterday morning and this came to me.

You see, I travel to work by bus. I like buses but I hate passengers. Why can’t folks simply be quiet. I don’t want to hear someone on their phone talking a lot of pish. I don’t want to hear old people talking about their many, many varied, oozing ailments and I especially don’t want to listen to young mothers talking complete nonsense to their noisy little shit-machines. I had one woman hushing her screaming kid for around three miles. The kid had shut up after two but this Sean Connery snake woman continued to ‘Shhhh’.

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Week 189 – A Warning, Back-Ups And No Apologies. (Do not read if you are liable to be offended.)- and he’s not kidding!!

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Here we are at week 189, doesn’t time fly when you are having your last hour in your bed? Any other time it is just its usual slow mundane shite.

Now this has been done in a bit of a rush, but no matter what, I really need to warn you not to read on if you are a wee bit sensitive. I’ve got myself into enough trouble lately with my words so I thought I would give you all plenty of time to bail out.

If you like religion and cherish pregnancy, you may be a bit perturbed with a couple of parts, so walk away now.

If you don’t then don’t moan as you will just look like a twat.

Continue reading “Week 189 – A Warning, Back-Ups And No Apologies. (Do not read if you are liable to be offended.)- and he’s not kidding!!” →

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Week 185 – Letters Of Acceptance, Rejection And Diane Biting.

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This week, I thought I’d give you all a wee bit of insight into a part of our process. It is regarding acceptance and rejection letters.

Now just like being on the hunt for an interested person of the opposite sex, it is easier to be accepted than rejected. Not many of my rejections had ever been written, normally a ‘Fuck off’ would suffice. In the same way none of my acceptances ever produced a letter, just a very grateful me and a lady that I would later judge. (OK, I may have written some poetry, but it was the eighties and I had hair.)

It’s easy to say yes to a submission but we wouldn’t be doing anyone any justice if we did this as a given. So we try to keep the site’s integrity.

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Week 184 – Drinking Alone, Large People And Testicle Mutilation

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Well here we are at Week 184, it’s a follow on from 183 but it won’t be half as intelligent!

I’ve written quite a few times about double standards. This irony keeps popping up in life and it gives us a lot of ideas and things to write about.

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Week 183 – Milestones

Nik

At some undetermined moment between me starting this draft and it magically appearing in your inbox or news feed via the wonders of the interweb, Literally Stories will have surpassed 200,000 page views.

Yes indeedy faithful readers in four short years we have reached a level of activity that a Kardashian nipple or a Bieber tattoo can expect to log in just under 4 nanoseconds.

If Hugh was here this week he’d probably say something like “fuck those limelight seeking, dopamine craving, attention hugging social media whore-bastards and all who ride on them.”

But he isn’t.

So I did.

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Week 180 – ‘Jockey At The Oche’, A Lost Opportunity And Belgium.

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Here we are at Week 180.

You can’t say 180 without thinking darts. Actually whenever folk of a certain age in Britain say that, all they can hear in their head is the commentator, Sid Waddell’s voice. (Look him up on ‘You Tube’)

Jockey Wilson was a legend. As was Eric Bristow and Phil Taylor still is!

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Week 179 – Borders, gateways and tales to tell our children

Nik

In my quest to find something interesting to say in Hugh’s absence this week I did a quick Google search for the significance of the number 179.

As you can imagine the results were thrilling.

I can confirm 179 is a prime number – an Eisenstein Prime no less as it is indivisible even by complex Gaussian integers, and  Chen Prime because it is 2 less than the next prime number.

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Week 178 – Wordplay, Stories and a Post of Two Halves

Nik

Every four years the world holds its collective breath as teams from across the globe battle it out to be crowned the champions of the world.

Skill. Power. Precision.

It’s got the lot.

Sadly the Rugby World Cup is another 15 months away and so for the next month we’ve got to put up with a bunch of overpaid whiners kicking a round ball across Russia.

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Week 177 – Time, Jimmy Hoffa And A Cure For Tarzan’s Constipation

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Week 176 has come and gone and here we are at week 177.

I’ve been working on a story this week. I’ve enjoyed thinking about it, structuring and editing and trying to spot the inevitable mistakes that are invisible to me but obvious to Nik and Diane! I’ve spent quite a bit of time and that doesn’t bother me. It’s a lot of fun.

Enjoying time is relative. I can spend hours cooking, reading, working on this site, listening to music and appreciating alcohol. Time doesn’t matter when you are doing what you enjoy. But working, getting a haircut, travelling to work, watching TV all does my head in. I resent the time that I spend. But the worst ever is gardening. Sorry folks, but those of you who enjoy this activity are masochistic perverts. To be fair, I have let my garden become fairly manic this year and yesterday was its first cut. I’m hoping for a drought from now to September, then the frost to hit. One cut a year is more than enough.

I had to borrow Death’s scythe due to the length of the grass

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