All Stories, Humour

See You Next Year by Mark Barlex

Like all large things taken for granted, the North Atlantic Current knew the importance of what it did and thought long and hard before jacking it in.

An elemental system shifting oceans of warm water from Mexico to Europe slowed in protest at anthropogenic climate change then stopped altogether.

Nature’s last laugh. A landmass expecting to fry now pondered winters twenty degrees below average. No North Atlantic Current, no band of temperate air wrapping the Celtic fringe. Have another ice age, Nature seemed to be saying. Exactly what you didn’t order.

From Galway to Hamburg, people laboured through a winter of deadening snow and ice.

The next year, they stayed at home.

The year after that, they felt like staying in bed.

The year after that, they did.

Continue reading “See You Next Year by Mark Barlex”
Editor Picks, General Fiction, Humour, Latest News, Short Fiction

Week 583: Mama Mama Please No More Step Dads

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day in the U.S. of A. (In the UK and Ireland it was 15 March–a belated happy one to Diane and the rest of the Islanders), I am not a mother, but I had one and found her to be sufficient. She was the sort of Mother who would die for her children and often made this one wish she would do just that.

We are awfully unfair to our mothers. We either over praise them up to Mother Mary Poppins or we blame them for not just all the heinous shit we do but for all the heinous shit ever committed in history. Expecting mothers to maintain a higher standard than what we are willing to consider is one of humankind’s greatest failings. Still, objectivity is not something we associate with family members. But alack and alas, all in all, in the end, everything tabulated, I’m glad I got the mother I was stuck with (vice versa); I do not believe anyone else out there could have made me and–despite my plentiful laments on the subject of me–I am used to being the person I am, and I’ve never been one for wishing I was someone else.

Continue reading “Week 583: Mama Mama Please No More Step Dads”
Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

A Castle For the Roller Derby Queen

(The image is of the actual Andy, who graciously posed)

-1-

Charity and Baby Hope had been searching for the perfect place to build a castle. Magick Minion Andy had done some in person searches and returned with the best prospect, which he explained to Charity in his surprisingly good Wiccan. “Surprisingly good” because your basic Cat, although all are born understanding the Wiccan tongue, has a bit of difficulty speaking it due to some of the trickier elongated vowels. Whenever your basic Cat meets a difficulty that really is not his problem he ignores it, but Andy is not your basic Cat, even though he does somewhat closely resemble a heavily used mop head more than he does an immortal Magick Gray Tabby.

Continue reading “A Castle For the Roller Derby Queen”
Humour, Short Fiction

Fresh from Slaughtering Kittens by James Hanna

(An excerpt from Lights Out Lizzie)

Author’s Note

After joining Women of Wrestling, Gertie McDowell, a naïve Kentucky girl with a talent for misadventure, has been crowned the “champion of the world.” She acquired this title after taking on former “world champion,” Samoa Moa, and knocking her out with a head butt. Gertie did not do this out of malice but because Moa, a bitter behemoth of a woman, was wrestling too aggressively and has a history of injuring her opponents.

Leo Hawke, director and pitchman for World Wrestling Productions, is so impressed by Gertie’s “triumph” that he stages a rematch in Afghanistan for the entertainment of American troops. Prior to the match, Gertie and Moa are bunked in the women’s barracks where they attract new fans.

Continue reading “Fresh from Slaughtering Kittens by James Hanna”
All Stories, Humour

Smile if you’re not wearing knickers by Peter Arscott

I was pleased the butcher knew my face.

For months I’ve been coming here, wanting him to look at me, to really look at me, watching the sinews in his forearm tighten with each effortless chop of the cleaver as it neatly parts a chicken’s neck from its body, or a pink cutlet from half a ribcage. He carries himself with such grace, his every move unhurried, as if the world outside, with its fuss and hurly burly, is of no concern to a man who functions by his own imperatives, and in his own time.

Continue reading “Smile if you’re not wearing knickers by Peter Arscott”
All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

Market Place by Hugh Cron – Adult Content

“Hey there pretty lady, lookin’ good!”

“Hi Chris, didn’t expect to see you here. Alone and on a school night!!”

“What the fuck, I needed a drink! And I really don’t give a shit about the job, so, so what if I go in half-mangled…What about you? Waiting for someone?”

Continue reading “Market Place by Hugh Cron – Adult Content”
All Stories, Editor Picks, General Fiction, Humour, Latest News, Short Fiction

Week 560: A New Year Begins

A Kvetch

We have now officially opened the twelfth year of Literally Stories UK. And as it goes in life we have faced a recent challenge after we were listed (unbeknownst to us) by one of those publications that do such things. I do not know why such services still exist in the era of Google, nor do I grasp why people rely on such services, but the situation exists.

Continue reading “Week 560: A New Year Begins”
All Stories, Humour

European Dishwasher Stacking Championship by Michael Smith

This year’s competition, held in Zurich, will see strong challenges from the Eastern European bloc, hoping to break the Scandinavian dominance of recent years. However, three time champion, Roine Svensson, remains the bookies’ firm favourite to retain his title. Dimitri Zitesev, head of the Bulgarian delegation, was adamant however, “Our men have been training all year for this event. We are very confident.” Despite the dark cloud that hangs over their participation, Zitesev insists, “the doping allegations have not distracted us from our goal.”

Continue reading “European Dishwasher Stacking Championship by Michael Smith”