All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction, Writing

Joint Claim (A Modern Marriage) by Hugh Cron – Warning Adult Content.

“Err…Ladies and Gentlemen…The Groom.”

The wee mousey man backed away out the door. The groom stood up championing Sports Direct and eating a Gregg’s sausage roll.

Continue reading “Joint Claim (A Modern Marriage) by Hugh Cron – Warning Adult Content.”

All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction, Writing

Concealer by Hugh Cron Warning – Adult Content.

Miss Shaw, please take a seat. I’m Bill Nixon…So you’ve filled in your new claim and you’ve stated that you walked out of your last employment. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“You do realise that you may be sanctioned and won’t receive any benefit?”

“I know.”

“Well in your own words, could you tell me what happened.”

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction, Writing

Soup by Hugh Cron – Adult Content. Strong Language.

“What about you Dave, what’s the worst thing you’ve done?”

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All Stories, General Fiction, Writing

Scenes From An Ayrshire Chip Shop by Hugh Cron – Adult Content

Here son, Haggis Supper.

“Cheers.”

“I want a kebab.”

Well fuck off to the kebab shop, I’ve told you, we only do suppers.

“Some fucking shop this is.”

Do you want anything else?

“Give me a packet of Gypsy Creams.”

I’ve ran out.

“Fuck this I’m going for a Chinky!”

Well off you fuck!

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction

The Girl Of My Best Friend by Hugh Cron – Strong Adult Content

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Bernie wheezed his way into the pub. He looked over and saw his pal Jamsie sitting at a table in the corner with a half drunk pint of lager. A full pint awaited him. He walked over, slumped down and gulped his drink.

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All Stories, Humour

Good Morning Mr Schmertz by Adam Kluger

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“Good Morning Mr. Schmertz. This is Dawn with Orlando Marketing and Tourism to let you know you’ve just won an all-expenses paid discount opportunity to visit one of our luxury resorts in the Greater Orlando Area…let me axe you …would you be interested in speaking with one of our senior sales agents…”

“What time is it?”

“It’s 6:15am Eastern on this beautiful Tuesday morning…how are you doing today sir?”

“Go fuck yourself and never call here again.”

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All Stories, General Fiction

Quantum Hamsters and Other Pet Anomalies by Hermine Robinson

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It was my wife, Esme, who suggested we get a pet for our children. “It will teach them responsibility,” she said.

“Sounds good,” I replied. However, I was not actually paying attention when she brought up the subject because I was going over my notes for a lecture on string theory. So, it came as a complete surprise when Esme and the twins arrived home from the pet store with a ferret.

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All Stories, Fantasy, Humour

A Shaggy Crow Story by Nik Eveleigh

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Here begins the third (official) tale of the accumulated adventures of Stormcrow.

I guarantee* that by reading Any Crow In A Storm first you will find this episode 19.73%** funnier. Episode 2 was rubbish. Just ask the Literally Stories editors. Go on, I dare you***

* not an actual guarantee.

** not an actual accurate number.

*** an actual dare.

Either way, in this episode we find our halfling-hating legend so full of his own splendour that he can’t even be bothered to turn up until the last couple of paragraphs…

“Will he be long d’ya reckon?”

“How the bloody hell should I know?” The large-headed swarthy guard rolled his eyes and snorted only to have the effect ruined by a migrant rope of snot who, in excitement and glee at having found a hitherto unknown trap door, smacked straight into the guard’s epiglottis. Mucusy dreams of the bright lights of throat town were shattered in the hawk and spit moments that followed, and as he lay dying, drying, against the stump of an ancient oak the plucky little gobbet found solace in the fact that he had, at the very least, had a go.

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Literally Stories – Week 60 – Censorship

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I know that there will be tears all round as you begin to realise that Mr West is tied up and not able to do this week’s round-up. There will be even more tears when you read this and realise that it is me who is filling in! Adam is excellent at tying up the weeks and giving us some excellent meaningful meanderings relating to the said week so I thought I would do the same.

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All Stories, Humour

Overpowered by Diane M Dickson

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It shoulda been okay. Tommy told me it’d be fine. “You worry too much Davey. You’re as bad as a whinging woman. What about this and what about that. It’ll be fine.”

Well, I ask you – “As bad as a whinging woman” and him supposed to be my mate. My best mate. Anyway what could I do then? I had to go along with it didn’t I?

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