Tag: humour

All Stories, Humour

The Bread Roll That Nearly Brought Down A Plane by James Blindell

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The Flight

The flight in question was operated by FunFly, Europe’s largest screw-them-with-hidden-costs-for-which-they-did-not-originally-budget airline.  It had a long, proud history of disappointing already pessimistic customers, exploiting staff, fighting the good fight against governmental consumer rights protection, and facilitating the ruin of poorly-led destinations across the Mediterranean.  FunFly’s owner, Charles Wilson-Wright, who could be generously described as a proper bastard, was an ageing tax exile whose favourite hobby involved fanning the flames of anti-immigrant/asylum-seekers/people-not-like-us sentiment in the country he had left for dust.  This particular flight, FF738 Manchester to Alicante 10.45, was legendary amongst flight crews.  Union recommended training for the flight consisted of a month in the Middle East conducting peace negotiations, a season working on the bar at any of England ‘s football clubs, and a less-lethal restraint training course with the Metropolitan Police.  FunFly currently offered a day course on upselling perfume and tobacco. Two of the three scheduled flight attendants for the flight had pulled a sicky and so two reserves had come from the emergency pool, having been beaten almost to a pulp in the staff selection battle royale. The third FunFly enforcer for the day was

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All Stories, General Fiction

Hell by Michael Smith

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Today’s one of those team-building exercises, you know the sort. Sales are down, management wants to raise morale (and hence production (and hence profits)), so we’re all here to waste a day, listening to a team of consultants (hired at great expense, no doubt) impart some modern thinking upon us, “injecting cutting edge vitality”, I think they said.

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All Stories, Fantasy, Science Fiction

Working Lunch with the Space Vultures by Joel Bryant

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The décor of the Hollywood Space Diner was a neon and chrome nightmare. Adding to the charmless ambience was an unavoidable aroma of hot garbage. It would not have been Dave’s choice of eating place, that was for sure. He could just about stomach the interior design; it was the vile food that was the real concern. He found himself battling the urge to run screaming from the establishment, clutching a super-sized sick bag.

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All Stories, Humour

Smile if you’re not wearing knickers by Peter Arscott

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I was pleased the butcher knew my face.

For months I’ve been coming here, wanting him to look at me, to really look at me, watching the sinews in his forearm tighten with each effortless chop of the cleaver as it neatly parts a chicken’s neck from its body, or a pink cutlet from half a ribcage. He carries himself with such grace, his every move unhurried, as if the world outside, with its fuss and hurly burly, is of no concern to a man who functions by his own imperatives, and in his own time.

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All Stories, Humour

Heir by Sam Graveney

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Samuel Waggoner never used his own products. People admired that about him; Waggoner’s Wigs were so good, had he used them, no one would ever have known. An Australian, he fought in Vietnam and emerged from the jungles with a secret ingredient that turned dried-out hair from barbers’ floors into manes which shone like honey and lasted and lasted. He built a wig empire, became a rich man, he married a stage actress, Harriet, for love, he bought a big house outside Darwin. He was totally bald.

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All Stories, Fantasy, Science Fiction

The Time Machine That Was and Wasn’t at the Same Time by Jonah Jones.

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Several years ago or yet to be, Frank Fullie had written on a whiteboard in his garage:

“You can jump forward in time by falling asleep.”

“You can jump backward in time by looking at old photographs.”

“Sideways in time by having empathy with another.”

“Outside time by dying.”

As an afterthought he’d written “Does the Higgs field come into it?”

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All Stories, General Fiction

Christian Ladies of Wrestling

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(A Novel Excerpt) by James Hanna

Author’s Note

Gertie McDowell, a naïve young girl with a talent for misadventure, has joined a women’s wrestling troop called Christian Ladies of Wrestling. The troop was put together by Wanda Sue, a bank robber with a streak of religion whom Gertie met while serving time because she “trusted the wrong sort of fella.” The mission of the troop is to bring folks closer to Jesus by having women posing as Christians beat the sin out of women posing as transgressors. Gertie’s wrestling persona is Haystacks Holly, a lustful temptress who needs a good punishing. The troop also includes three runaway girls: Cocheta, an Apache girl with sleeves of tattoos, and Sofia and Mia, a pair of sinewy migrant workers. 

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