All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction, Writing

Joint Claim (A Modern Marriage) by Hugh Cron – Warning Adult Content.

“Err…Ladies and Gentlemen…The Groom.”

The wee mousey man backed away out the door. The groom stood up championing Sports Direct and eating a Gregg’s sausage roll.

“Cheers. Thanks so much!! First I must thank you all for coming. I know that a few of you need to be home by 9.00pm or your tags will start bleeping…Fucking courts!!! It’ll no be long before we can sue the bastards for brain tumours ’cause of those things around our legs. Am I right??”

Cheers sounded around the hall with a few swear words amongst.

“OK, I need to thank the Food Bank and the Torn Link Cult for putting this do together. All they asked is that we preach some fire and brimstone and give them our first born. It’s a fair deal – I mean, how the fuck else are we meant to plan a wedding on the shite the dole gives us…Am I right?”

There was some agreement mutterings amongst the family and friends.

“Mores to the point, how the fuck can they cut our money. We are being paid less as a couple…Is that no a total disgrace?”

“They’re bastards all right!!” Someone exclaimed from the other end of the hall.

“Anyhow, I need to go back to the first time I met Bezique.” He nodded towards his beautiful orange bride who was dressed in pure Primark.

“Now I know that we’ve had our ups and downs….More ups than downs!!! Do you know what I am saying?!”

‘Whoops!’ This time from around the room.

“And I know that our first date wasn’t that great. We met in the B&B and to be truthful, I knew that she was the one. No-one had listened to me like that before. Do you know that after us talking for a few minutes that night; she was at my door the following day to walk me to get my script.”

There were some ‘Awws’ from the guests.

“She really listened to me! Now before any of you cheeky bastards say anything, I know that was the night that I ended up in the hospital, but hey, if you love them, you need to take a bottle over the head every now and again. It was my fault anyway; As I kissed her, I swallowed more of the methadone than I should have. All I passed on was a mouthful of froth. The little tinker noticed!”

There was some good natured laughter from the crowd.

“Chemist Bastards!!! They know what we’re doing, they just like watching us snog – Fucking perverted bastards.”

“Aye they’re perverts all right!!” Bezique shouted in agreement. “One of the old fuckers made me touch his cock for a sleeve of blues. I didn’t wank it though.”

He touched her on her bare shoulder and smiled as his hand turned orange, “That’s why I’m proud to call Bezique my wife. She has principles – And do you know something else ladies and gentlemen…She insisted that she gave me two tabs from that sleeve.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the hall.

“Okay, so I’m really just here to thank you all for coming and to share our news. You see we’ve been given a three apartment so we’re going to tell the Council that we’ve split up but staying in the same house to save on one of the rooms from the bedroom tax…”

A burst of applause rang around the hall and a lone voice called out, “Fucking clever!”

“Shut up!! I’m not finished. Bezique is pregnant, so that takes care of the other room.”

More applause, “Fucking genius!”

“…Let me finish, we’re no sure if the kid is mine so we sold an idea to ‘Love Island’ so that’s the honeymoon sorted.’

“…And I’m going as well as part of the deal!” Added the best man.

“Aye thanks Mickey, I’m still no forgiven you for dipping my girl but fuck it, that’s what clinched it.

Married life is all good. We’ve a place to stay and we can reimburse the Cult.

I’ve kept the best bit of till last…The ‘Love Island’ mob is paying for us all to get oor teeth done.”

 

Hugh Cron.

Image – Found in so many places!

6 thoughts on “Joint Claim (A Modern Marriage) by Hugh Cron – Warning Adult Content.”

  1. This is brilliant. As people get the gods and governments they deserve, the same is the true the other way round. To any writer who thinks that there is something wrong with the MC’s gleefully cynical attitude, I recommend that this style of writing better reflects humankind than any single one of those christless end of days things gestating away in millions of devices at this very moment.
    Sir Cron inches closer to the century mark.
    The header has steered my thoughts toward where to find a pastry at this hour of the morn.
    LA

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    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks so much for your kind comments.
      The best use I have ever seen of a Greggs Sausage Roll is within the first few minutes of the film ‘Filth’ which was based on the book by Irvine Welsh. The images against the voice over are hysterical, cutting and a bit true! (If you want to see it, check out, ‘Filth – Bruce’s Intro Featurette’ on Youtube.
      Thanks again, you make all this worthwhile!
      Hugh

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    1. Hi Dave,
      Thanks so much for the kind comments.
      It’s interesting you saying sad. The characters wouldn’t see this generally but you are right, that’s what makes this sad.
      But then, what the hell, if they are overall happy with their lot, then fair play to them.
      It’s great to see you around the site.
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

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  2. Pulp Fiction Scotland style. There’s a certain kind of idealist who believes the more marginalized people are, the more virtuous underneath….and the lumpenproletariat are the most virtuous of all. This story is something of an antidote esp. if you have a sense of humour. A bit of the reality tv zeitgeist here, for sure.

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    1. Hi Harrison,
      Thanks as always my fine friend. I love to read your take on my stories.
      And you’ve given me my word of the day – ‘Lumpenproletariat’ is an absolute belter!!
      Thanks once again!!!
      Hugh

      Like

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