“What about you Dave, what’s the worst thing you’ve done?”
Dave leaned forward for another can. He was a lot more comfortable when he was getting humped at Brag, fucking game was all about luck, no skill. They were all steamin’ and the night had escalated into this talking shite pish. He knew these conversations went one way or another, either totally inane and childish or very deep with some cunt ending up regretting what they’d said. He knew he was that cunt.
“Count me out. I don’t want to play this.”
Peter shook his head, “Naw! Fairs fair. You sat there and listened when Paul told us that he’d fucked his dad’s girlfriend. You know that Tam stole a chicken from Tescos, granted that’s a pussy revelation…”
“Mines was the pussy revelation!”
Tam proposed a toast, ‘To Paul who nearly shagged his mother!!’
They raised their glasses and he looked quite pleased with himself.
“…Charlie got a blow job off his sister-in-law and I dealt ecstasy back in the day – So what about you?”
“Fuck me boys, this is the lamest game of truth or dare. What fucking age are we?”
Tam went into the kitchen and brought back a litre of Grouse and five glasses. He poured the drinks and handed them out. Dave sank it straight away.
Tam poured him another. He sat the bottle on the table, “Leave him alone Pete, if the man doesn’t want to say anything then that’s up to him.”
“Fuck that! I’m the criminal and I’ve spilt the beans.”
“I’m a criminal too.”
“Are you fuck Tam, you were just a greedy bastard that forgot to pay.”
“Come on Dave! We’re waiting.”
They all stared.
He wanted to tell them, he needed the few minutes of release that a confession gave. He wasn’t sure if he could deal with the panic afterwards though. For a few seconds he wondered what he was worried about. Was it them thinking less of him? Well that could happen, but apart from Tam he didn’t give a fuck. He just knew that if he shared it, it would become real again, bring it back into his moment but what the fuck, it was with him all the time anyway.
“You’ve only known me from about ten years back. I moved away from my home town.”
Charlie moved over to the couch and lay down, the whisky had just about finished him. He mumbled, “We know that, you told us that you came here for work when your factory shut down and you were out on your arse.”
Dave looked over to answer him but he was already comatose.
“That’s all true, but I had to get away.
… I was just out the jail.
…I’d done three of a seven year stretch.”
Tam threw an empty can at Peter, “Leave it!”
“Fuck off! We have the right to know. All this secrecy makes you wonder if he’s a bit of a Michael! I don’t want associated with a bit of a Michael!”
“Come on Dave, we wouldn’t put that down to you. But you need to tell us now, if for nothing else, just to shut that prick up.”
“Thanks Paul. I appreciate that. And NO, I’m not a kiddie fiddler.
…I was done for attempting to murder my pal.”
Tam poured another drink for everyone.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you all. I kept thinking that one of these days, one of you was going to find out.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“You’ve all been good friends to me…Even you Peter and I didn’t want to lose any of you. Fuck…I just thought that I might scare you away. I mean, I’m telling a bunch of my friends, that I was convicted of, well, trying to kill, one of my friends.”
“I’m not worried, I could fucking take you.”
Dave laughed at Peter, “You probably could. So could Charlie, that’s why I did what I did.”
He waited to see if someone was going to ask and was surprised when Tam piped up, “You want to get this off your chest, so go on, what the fuck did you do?”
Dave wiped a tear away from his eye, “I poured petrol through his letter box and over his door and set it alight. I didn’t want the fucker to get out. Thankfully he did or I would maybe still be inside. He burnt all his arms trying to open the door though. I scarred him for life.”
“Fucking pyromaniac! I’m moving the candles!”
“Fuck off Peter, they’re no even lit!”
“I know. That’s the point, I’m not having Guy Fucking Fawkes here lighting them and turning us all into his ex-pal Charcoaled Charlie!”
Tam gently asked, “Why did you want to kill him?”
Paul thought for a second, “Did he…Did you…Fucking hell…What the fuck happened with soup?”
Dave sighed, “We’d been drinking all day, we left the pub about six o’ clock and we bought a carry out and headed to his house. He said that he would make us something to eat.”
Tam interrupted, “Soup!”
“Naw. We had ham and eggs.”
“So where the fuck does the soup come into it?” Peter asked. He had brought a fire extinguisher from the kitchen and had it standing beside him.
“Jesus fuck, that’s out of order!”
“Fuck off Tam, I’ve no fire insurance so excuse me for being a wee bit cautious!”
“You won’t need that Peter, I’m not dangerous.”
“Aye, I bet Charlie thought that whilst he was dreaming about being the first man on the fucking sun!”
“Ignore that cunt, go on, tell us.”
Dave knew he couldn’t back out now, “Well we were eating the ham and eggs and we started talking about food that we enjoyed as kids and we both had a love of lentil soup. But we disagreed whether or not there should be turnip in it. I said that was shite, as turnip soured it and Charlie insisted that it was a classic ingredient. We argued back and forth and we started mentioning how good our mother’s soup was and he said he wanted to fuck my mum and I told him I never wanted to fuck his as she looked and smelled like the fucking turnip that she shouldn’t have used. He got pissed off and we ended up rolling about the floor. The bastard got an arm free and burst my fucking nose. He told me to fuck off. I was really wound up but I left. I walked down the street and nicked into a garden for a piss, my zip was fucked, must have happened when we were fighting, I couldn’t get my knob out on time. There was a petrol can lying at the side of the hut where I was pishing myself. It felt like fate so I decided to torch the bastard.
Long story short, Charlie got out and the fucker dobbed me straight into the police, who does that? Some fucking pal! I’d only been home long enough to tan half bottle of vodka and pass out. They broke down my door and found the petrol can in the hall. I was on the couch reeking of pish, vodka and petrol. I denied it of course. At least I gave the big sergeant who cuffed me a laugh. Well, I did my time and you lot are the first that I’ve told since I moved here”
Tam was the first to say something, “It doesn’t matter to us Dave, you’re our pal and we don’t judge.”
“Thanks for that, it means a lot.”
“Have you seen Charlie since?”
“I don’t see anyone. That life’s by”
“Not even your mum?”
Dave’s jaw clenched, “Naw! She married him”
Peter walked over and put his hand on his shoulder, “Fuck me Dave that’s a bit steep.
…Do you think she puts turnip in the soup now?”
Image – A shite recipe. Lentil soup is a staple in Scotland and there shouldn’t be a pepper, flour or vinegar anywhere near it. Where’s the ham hough?? If you add tomato it becomes Westmorland Soup. So if you can read the recipe, don’t use it!!!!