Scenes From An Ayrshire Chip Shop by Hugh Cron – Adult Content

Here son, Haggis Supper.

“Cheers.”

“I want a kebab.”

Well fuck off to the kebab shop, I’ve told you, we only do suppers.

“Some fucking shop this is.”

Do you want anything else?

“Give me a packet of Gypsy Creams.”

I’ve ran out.

“Fuck this I’m going for a Chinky!”

Well off you fuck!

“Is that mine?”

Aye – There you go. Two Fish one Sausage Supper and a bottle of Vimto!

“Thanks!”

You’re welcome sweetheart.

“Have you got a pound for a cup of tea?”

Fuck off! I’ve told you before! Stop annoying my customers!

“I’m only seeing if someone will give me money for a tea, it’s cold out there.”

“I’ll give you a tenner for a wank!!”

“Aye alright.”

Well don’t you come back in either you dirty bastard, you’re both barred!! Fritter Roll! Who was wanting a Fritter Roll?

“Me! Cheers ma honey!”

Nae bother. Who’s next?

“Me! Steak Pie and a bottle of Limeade.”

The Steak Pie will be ten minutes.

“That’s fine”

Pay the lassie.

“This puggy’s fucked!”

So will you be if you keep shaking it!

“Sorry!”

Oh fuck – Five O!! All you underagers don’t rattle your carry-outs!

“Evening.”

Officer I’m glad you’re here. Go around that alleyway and you’ll see a wee hoor at it. Quick now and you’ll catch them.

“That’ll be the most that dick does.”

“Shut it or it’ll be the itchy blanket for you the night!”

“Can I have a Mushroom Pizza?”

You again! Wait your turn. What do you want my love? Don’t let that prick jump in front of you!

“A Half Chicken Supper.”

No problem. Right you, anything else with your Mushroom Pizza?

“Aye, that gorgeous lassie’s phone number.”

Don’t give it to him hen, he’d shag the shaft of a brush. Aye I know all about you!

“You’ve got me mixed up with my brother. And it’ll be my pleasure to buy this tasty supper for the lovely lady.”

In the name of fuck! And you don’t have a brother! Don’t give him your number! Don’t anyone give her a pen!!

…What did I tell you. Arsehole! Well…When you’re needing some penicillin don’t say I didn’t warn you!

“Three bag’s of chips please! Plenty of salt on two and no vinegar on the other.”

Put more chips on! If you wait I’ll give you them all fresh.

“Thanks for that.”

Pay the lassie.

“Come on mate, you stink of piss.”

For fuck sake, nobody touch him, I think he’s got the plague! I’ll deal with him – Here Davy – Take this Black-Pudding and on you go, there’s nothing else for you the night. I’ve told you before to stand at the door. My shop’ll be reeking!

“Thank you.”

Here’s your Steak Pie son.

“Thanks Gabby.”

Half Chicken supper – There you go. I take it you’ll be waiting on Casanova!

“Two Haggis Suppers and a couple of Pickled Onions.”

We’re waiting on chips.

“No bother.”

Pay the lassie. Here’s your Mushroom Pizza lover boy!

“Admit it Gabby, you’re just jealous! If I was a couple of years older…”

Fuck off!

“The pizza’s good, fried to perfection, no hot oil, just tepid for that ooze effect. But really, I come here for the rapport!”

Sarky wee bastard!

Oh Constable, you’re back quick! I hope she didn’t do you too?

“A fish supper please.”

Do you want something to drink?

“No, just the supper.”

Does a hand shandy quench your thirst as well Officer?

“Chips and curry sauce please…”

“Have you any rolls left?”

 

Hugh Cron

Image by GinniDeville from Pixabay

4 thoughts on “Scenes From An Ayrshire Chip Shop by Hugh Cron – Adult Content

  1. Outstanding and crystal clear as always. Regarding technique, I like using quotation marks for one and italics for the other. This eliminates the tiresome I said/he said and contributes to the flow. Is this warm and fuzzy another candidate for “Olde Ayr”?

    Like

    • Hi Leila,
      I also try to avoid the he said / she said as much as I can. I find it pointless as the speech is there so it is obvious that someone has said something and any clarity isn’t achieved by using something so generic.
      Hah!! And in these shite days of the ‘they’, ‘he’ and ‘she’ will probably become redundant anyway. (That is when I’ll start using them!!!)
      Regarding ‘Olde Ayr’ they would take a heart attack if they read ‘The Devil Went Down To Ayrshire’ even though they might enjoy the picture of ‘The Auld Kirk’ – At least it is ‘Auld’ but the slight blasphemous tone of the story would have them wetting their frillies.
      Thanks as always – I can’t tell you how much your continual interest means to me!!!
      Hugh

      Like

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