Tag: humour

All Stories, Fantasy

How to Have Broken Her Heart by Nate Rush

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tulations! You have successfully traveled backwards in time!

Do you have qualms about killing a rare and mystical beast? Do you fear the DMV and other institutions like it? If so, read no further; if not, read on. Throughout the course of this guide you will learn the secrets of time travel. To travel back in time it is necessary to collect your supplies, construct your machine, and then, finally, to make your jump. This is no easy process. Many men and women far smarter than you have failed while attempting to turn back the hands of the clock.

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All Stories, Horror, Humour, Story of the Week

The Devil Went Down To Ayrshire By Hugh Cron – Adult Content

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The Devil went down to Ayrshire…He was looking for a soul to steal.

He walked along the River Ayr passed the Auld Kirk and headed towards The Auld Brig. He had a snigger at the dead people and came upon a park bench where a Gentleman Of The Road sat.

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

Toffee-Head Tom by Hugh Cron

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Toffee-Head Tom was born to Caramel Jeannie and Jammy-Dodger Rodger. He wasn’t an attractive child and had no friends as such. In those days he was classed as special; now-a-days he would have had a list of names.

He lived happily with his parents. They would only eat pudding if the previous meal had included potatoes.

They spent their Sundays reading excerpts from the Pears’ Cyclopedia and drinking Rainbow Sherbet.

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In conversation with...

Tobias Haglund In conversation with Nik Eveleigh

Nik

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”Did you know that The Hobbit has 95022 words?”

“I didn’t. Now, watch your head. You’re taller than I thought. I mean, I’ve only seen your picture-“

“Yes, those are deliberately small. So this is your man cave?”

Nik skipped and yodeled his way to the brewing station. “Here! Look here. Now, wait, let me conduct a little presentation for you, my Swedish friend. Here, is where ale becomes Bale – that’s a Welsh football reference – here, is where a pond of swans becomes Swansea. But enough of my great Welsh puns, HERE, is where the best beer brews, buddy.”

Tobias sniffed and smiled, sniffed and smiled. By now, he was more dog-like than people-like. “So spin me the tail… I mean tale of the beer.”

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All Stories, General Fiction, Story of the Week

A New Perspective or That Time I Was Allergic to Wussing Out by Alex Rezdan

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There’s nothing like almost killing yourself to put things into perspective. The slow, dull lull of life seeping out of your body one drop at a time, and you, rushing to say all you need to say before it’s all over. And by you, I mean me, of course.

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Story of the Week

Ultra-Belfast by Dave Louden – Adult Content

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I had been in hell a week by this point. It looked a lot like Belfast. I knew it was hell because I couldn’t find any of my favourite bars and it was the 12th of July every day. The streets were awash with track-suited skinheads and chippie wrappers, and smelt of dark orange piss. I died the same age as Bukowski, seventy-three years-old. He had wanted to go at eighty making it with an eighteen year-old, I was just happy making it beyond fifty. It was a rare landmark for the men in my family.

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All Stories, Humour

Mr. Peta by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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“Mr. Peta. A broad’s waitin’ for ya.”

“The red dress with blonde hair? Yea? Did you offer her somethin’ to drink? I got a feeling she’s gonna need it.”

I acted surprised when I saw her. The news coverage pretty much summed up what the meeting would be about. Socialite inherited fortune after bloody breakfast accident.

“Hello Mr. Peta.”

“It’s Mr. Peter.”

“The secretary-”

“She can’t speak. What can I do you for?”

I sat down and shoved old newspapers with half-finished crossword puzzles to the side. I didn’t want her to know I couldn’t finish what I had started. I offered her a glass of bourbon smokier than a factory working ballet dancer.

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

Sanctions By Hugh Cron – Adult Content

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“MR BELL!!”

“THAT’LL BE ME!!!”

The security guard walked over. Neil watched as the guard’s belly swayed from side to side. He couldn’t help himself as he began to gag.

Why the fuck do I imagine so many ugly people shagging?

“Have you a problem?”

Neil hit at his chest.

“No, not at all, I just have an attack of the dry boak.”

The guard pulled at the back of his trousers, “No, I don’t mean that, I mean your outburst.”

“MR BELL, I AM WAITING!!?”

“Oh, you mean like that?”

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All Stories, Humour

A Few Dead Men by Nik Eveleigh

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It was a typical Friday night at the Planet Bar. Money rubbed shoulders with money. Ladies preened and giggled over the top of cucumber daiquiris and rosewater mojitos all the while seeking out new targets, fresh wallets. The men played their part. Laughed a little too loud when needed. Stepped out for smokes. Drank their Johnnie Walker Blues. Ordered more with practiced flickers of fingers. In the midst of this maelstrom of entitlement and low grade sexual minestrone one man patrols his bar, an oasis of calm in an otherwise…

“Miss Auder.”

“Your honour?”

“Could you please remind your witness he is in a courtroom, not in his study writing a failed novel.” Continue reading “A Few Dead Men by Nik Eveleigh” →

All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

The Greatest Cock that Ever Lived by David Louden

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I was fifteen, it was April and the summer had started early. My mother gave me ten pounds to run to the parade of shops at the bottom of the Oldpark Road to buy two steaks and some mince to fry into burgers for the dog’s dinner. Dragging myself away from the television I threw on my trainers, laced up, pocketed the banknote and walked down to the bottom of The Bone. I passed many people, they all knew me. I said hello to them all before suddenly someone was calling my name from outside the Suicide Inn.

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