tulations! You have successfully traveled backwards in time!
Do you have qualms about killing a rare and mystical beast? Do you fear the DMV and other institutions like it? If so, read no further; if not, read on. Throughout the course of this guide you will learn the secrets of time travel. To travel back in time it is necessary to collect your supplies, construct your machine, and then, finally, to make your jump. This is no easy process. Many men and women far smarter than you have failed while attempting to turn back the hands of the clock.
Before you begin learning the secrets of time travel, be aware that it is one of the most protected secrets throughout human history, as is taught to only a select few. Four keepers of the sacred art are alive today, and if you are reading this guide, then you have been chosen from the next generation. You must strive to protect this secret at all costs, for the only sin worse than letting this fabled art fade from human memory would be letting the secret out into the world.
Another warning: these methods should be used sparingly. To travel back in time it is necessary to travel faster than the speed of light. Practically, this means that your body turns into a different form of electromagnetic radiation for a small amount of time; as you could guess, this is not beneficial to your health whatsoever, as the only thing worse than being exposed to radiation is becoming radiation. Frequent time travel may cause your body to deteriorate beyond repair. This is not recommended. Furthermore, time travel has the inherent danger of creating a time paradox; you could be caught in the collision between two different realities. The resulting black hole would indubitably kill everyone in both dimensions. This is also not recommended, but you can easily avoid creating one by avoiding contact with yourself.
Keeping the previous limitations in mind, it is now time to begin gathering supplies for you time travel apparatus. Before you can begin construction, it is necessary to acquire three different items: a memory of the time you wish to travel to, a unicorn’s horn, and a photo ID.
First, acquire a memory of the time you are attempting to travel to. It must be your memory; using anyone else’s will corrupt the journey, and you may accidentally traverse across the space-time border into another dimension. It should also be as fresh as possible, as a fresher memory is less likely to become corrupted and cause you to die about 100 years ago. If necessary, you may want to watch a video of or read a journal entry from that time that will help you remember in more detail; the more vivid your memory, the safer you will be.
Additionally, you must try to procurn the horn of a unicorn. This may sound like an impossible task, but it is easy if you know what to do. Again, getting your hands on this horn will require you to kill a unicorn, so if you are uncomfortable with that, you should have stopped reading about 100 years ago. Unicorn’s are, surprisingly, lovers of Ritz crackers. You must build a trap that uses Ritz crackers as bait if you wish to entice these wild, mystical beasts to come. You may want to set up a pitfall trap (a massive hole in the ground covered with leaves) to hold the animal while you prepare yourself for the horrible slaughter that must occur. You may kill the beast in any way you see fit, but whatever way you do it, do it quickly. It may call other unicorns to its aid; before you know it, you will have to fight a pack of irate, irrational unicorns. After you slaughter the poor beast (in a pit) and cut off its horn (this process is called procurning), properly dispose of the body (in a grave) and properly store the horn (in a freezer). Now, you are ready to obtain the final necessary element to build your time machine.
The final item needed to build a time machine is a photo ID. This may be the hardest item of all to get; to acquire it you must brave the fabled lines of the Department of Motor Vehicles, the legendarily inept workers at the Post Office, or even venture into the hell that is your local CVS pharmacy. No amount of training or advice can prepare you for the horrors that await you in these cesspools of society. Good luck.
Now that you have all three required items in your possession, it is time to begin building your machine. First, take the horn out of the freezer, where it should have cooled and taken on a blue tint. Place it on a hard surface (on a hard surface) and secure it using any type of adhesive you deem necessary. Then, place your new, non-expired photo ID on top of the horn. If done right, the horn will turn from blue to purple, as it now acknowledges you as the time traveler. Finally, remember the time you wish to travel to. Think about the place you were at, the time of day, the color of the sky, the people around you, the way she was standing, the way her perfume smelled like lilacs, the way your stomach flipped when you looked at her. Think about how she broke your heart in two. Think about how you are going to break hers. The horn should turn dark-red.
Header photograph: By Renee Comet (Photographer) [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons