All Stories, Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

The Legend Of The Devil’s Brew by Hugh Cron – Warning – Adult Content.

Beelzebub and one of his friends created The Devil’s Brew or as he called it, ‘Ma Beer.’

Folks don’t realise that Auld Lucifer is a bit possessive and likes to take credit.

He’d been bored and decided to make some Homebrew syrup to corrupt. The thought that people would have to take time, brew it, leave it for less time than instructed, add more sugar and yeast to form as much alcohol as possible and then drink the corruption made him well happy.

It was made from sulphur, defrocked Priest’s blood (There was a lot of that) hateful souls and an Arrow Root. His pal added a wee bit gas.

He did this whilst they were watching a marathon of John Hurt films. Him and Reg had a great time.

The brew would always be recognisable as no matter how you poured it, the head looked like an arse.

He unleashed the three tins onto and into Scotland.

It is written that those tins were found behind a public toilet where all forms of nastiness took place.

The tins were all oozing as the mixture had taken on a life of its own and was trying to escape. The smell was awful and that was how it was found. The Council were called as someone thought the drains were blocked. This was very believable as all sorts of needles, improvised condoms and unwanted children had been flushed down those toilets.

The Council Worker, which is a contradiction in terms, found nothing wrong with the toilet, which was a lie, he couldn’t be arsed checking it as he was coming to the end of his shift. Jamsie went around the back of the building to have a smoke and he found the three tins. He was compelled to lift them. As he did he heard ACDC’s ‘Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap’ playing in his head.

He decided that he could sell them after he’d cleaned off the overspill, wrapped them in cling film and reboxed them to give the appearance that they were new.

Unlike his actual work he made a very good job of this. Any that felt a bit light, he stirred in some molasses, yeast and Twiglet infused Gin.

He sold the three tins but cried as he was out of pocket.

The first he sold to Bob, his next door neighbour.

Bob was going through a tricky divorce and was fighting for custody of his kids. He made the brew and gave it a couple of days before drinking it.

The Devil’s Brew And The Divorcee.

Bob was doing better than he realised. His wife or ‘Cowbitch’ as he called her had nothing on him. But the brew kicked in one Friday night after he had watched L7 on a re-run of The Tube. If you speak to him now he would tell you that after a glimpse of minge he should have done the normal thing and had a wank before going to bed.

But he didn’t, he drunk the brew. In hindsight, being told after the fact, CCTV and Police Statements it came to light that Bob, for whatever reason, put his cock through his Christian neighbour, Ella’s letterbox whilst quoting the exorcism scene from ‘The Exorcist’.

The lady, after having a really good look decided to call the Police. When they finally attended, Bob had ran down the High Street singing ‘Captain Beaky And His Band’ by Keith Michelle. Thankfully he had put his cock away but The Police tasered him anyway as that song was unforgivable.

Bob’s luck went downhill from there. He pissed himself in the Police Car, the stench was that bad that the driver lost control as Devils Brew urination isn’t very fragrant. The subsequent crash caused a scratch on the legs of two Councillors who were both Masons. This was when Bob knew that he was really, really fucked.

Due to him being put on the sex-offenders register for molesting a letterbox, he lost any chance of custody of his kids and because of the Councillors injuries, their Mason pal who was the judge sentenced Bob to death.

The Devil smiled as he waited to collect another soul.

Ella visited Bob and re-enacted the tit scene from ‘Midnight Express’.

Jamsie sold the next tin to his teenage cousin Paula.

The Devil’s Brew And The Fire Starter.

Paula was a K Cider drinker but once it hit two quid a can, she was open to anything.

When Jamsie told her that she would get ten pints for the fiver he was asking, she talked him down to two pounds and a look at her arse.

Jamsie was a bit of a sicko. But he had looked it up previously and cousins could fuck but just not marry. He didn’t want to marry so he reckoned he was fine using her as his wank-thought.

…And she was eighteen!

Paula loved fire.

And after the ten pints of The Devils Brew, she decided to set fire to The Chapel as the priest had propositioned her.

He’d asked her to bring her wee cousin to mass.

She knew that it was probably a sin setting fire to The Chapel but in true drunken form her reasoning was ‘TeeHeeHeee…Fuck it…I love Sugar Puffs!!’

She decided to change her religion to Catholicism as only a Catholic can correctly light a candle. But in her drunken stupor she wasn’t sure how to do this. She thought about abusing her wee cousin but he was fourteen and she knew that he’d probably enjoy it so she decided to read a book on Person Centered Counselling whilst drinking shit Red Wine and eating Poundstretcher Crackers.

After an hour or so, she felt empathic, congruent and had positive regard whilst feeling very dehydrated. She was pissed on The Brew and for whatever reason, she felt as if she had been roofied.

She knew she was ready to burn the Chapel down.

Paula would have succeeded but unfortunately a Nun had moistened all the candles.

Paula got caught whilst screaming, ‘Burn you bastard!!’ beside a pile of Sugar puffs.

Both the Priest and her cousin were witnesses for the prosecution.

Paula was so unlucky as she was up against a Catholic Judge and he sentenced her to death.

The Devil smiled as he waited to collect another soul.

Jamsie visited her and wanked as she re-inacted the scene from ‘Midnight Express’.

The reason that Jamsie really lost out on profit from free Devil’s Brew’ was due to the last person who obtained it.

He obtained it by kicking Jamsie in the balls, taking the tin and also his wallet.

Jamsie had just been paid.

The person that mugged him was Jesus.

The Devil’s Brew And Jesus.

Jesus knew about The Devil’s Brew but as he was ‘The King Of Piss-Heads’ he wanted to show The Devil that he could drink it without any ill effects.

It was impressive.

He tanned the ten pints in half an hour. (The Guinness Challenge is four pints in twenty minutes…Easy to do but fucking impossible to keep down!)

If his apostles or Crue were watching they would have been shouting…

…’Go Jesus!!

…You are the man!!!

…We are the peoooople!!’

But they weren’t.

Jesus decided to take this on himself.

He drank with dignity.

He walked straight.

He materialised some bomb making equipment.

He placed his bomb… (Enter your own thoughts here)

And he blew the fuck out of that / them!

Due to the forgiving guy being a bit of a Bastard, the world went into mayhem. It was sort of an opposite idea which caused a world clusterfuck.

There was carnage!



Politicians began telling the truth!

Our royal family confessed to the Catholic Church (So they were fine)

…But he got caught when he confessed to one priest that unlike his fathers he had shagged his mother and the bombing ‘just came up’ in conversation.

He was nailed.

And a wee judge, who was a Scientologist…Let’s call him Tom, sentenced Jesus to death…Again.

The Devil didn’t smile as he knew that he wasn’t getting another soul. He knew that daddy would step in with an appeal!!

Judas as his drag persona ‘Mary’ visited Jesus and we are back to the scenes from ‘Midnight Express’.

…Only it was Jesus with his tits out, he was a bit hefty around the nipple area.

Mary got her cock out.

…Wee Tom was so disgusted he paid Musk for a flight to Jupiter.

Hugh Cron

10 thoughts on “The Legend Of The Devil’s Brew by Hugh Cron – Warning – Adult Content.”

  1. Hugh–
    The Devil knows the market; the way things are. Can’t blame the guy for playing the hand he’s dealt.”Improvised condoms and unwanted children” line belongs in Hall of Fame. Fearless, and equal scorn shown to all. Even if Heaven and Hell were proven to be actual and the Bible a factual document–the same and probably worse would happen because we are people. The Ants and Rats don’t change one bit from their natures–neither do we. A larger brain only leads to new acts of twistedness derived from the same materials. Brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks so much.
      This is one of those that was a lot of fun to write.
      …And it has given me the notion for some home brew.
      I’ll need to fire up the old ‘Pinter’!!
      Cheers pal – I live for a comment!!


    1. Hi Dave,
      Thanks as always my fine friend!!
      I love the word irreverent. I think it goes with irrelevant and in a way they could be related!
      Cheers for the kind words, your comments always mean a helluva lot to me!!


  2. Ahhhh, home brew. In the past, I’ve brewed and consumed a lot of it, and the association with unwise behaviour is definitely not accidental. I see a strong realist strain in this piece. A thank you to Hugh for this warning to us all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mick,
      I always get a kick when someone mentions realism (Or any of its forms) about any of my stories. No matter how mad the story line, I do try and have something relatable within.
      Oh and home brew caused me to get a ‘B’ for my arithmetic ‘O’ grade. I couldn’t answer the last four questions as they were spinning off the page!!!
      All the very best my fine friend.


    1. Hi Doug,
      A heaven without any booze must surely be a contradiction in terms!!!
      Thanks as always my fine friend.


  3. This is a brilliant slice of madness – it’s funny you mention Pinter in your comments as I was trying to think who it reminded me off. I don’t know if this comment will be allowed, but reading this I was reminded of what I think is a brilliant line of Pinter’s “To a pisshole collector? To a shithouse operator? To a jamrag vendor? What the fuck are you talking about?”

    More than that though I love the cultural references – when you wrote ‘they were watching a marathon of John Hurt films’ I immediately thought of Midnight Express, so great to see its most infamous scene referred to later on.

    Thoroughly enjoyed the whole piece.


  4. Hi Paul,
    Thanks so much for the kind comments.
    The tying in of ‘The Midnight Express’ reference was one of those happy coincidental writing circles that come along every now and again.
    This was a lot of fun to write and I was delighted that it was accepted.
    All the very best my fine friend.


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