Tag: funny

All Stories, Humour

A Captivating Meeting by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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”… and that’s when I found out he wasn’t my father!”

”Okay. How about dropping the gun?”

“There you go again. Thinking only about yourself. It seems as if you’re not even listening to me…”

“I’m NOT listening to you…”

“…because as I have been talking about very personal things you still go on about your selfish things. I don’t want to threaten you again, but if you keep…”

“I’m not threatened and have never been threatened.” Simon looked into the security camera. “Let the record show that I have never been threatened.”

“Simon.” Billy said and cocked the gun. “Stop focusing on the police or the other hostages and listen to me.”

Continue reading “A Captivating Meeting by Tobias Haglund” →

All Stories, Humour

A Few Dead Men by Nik Eveleigh

Nik

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It was a typical Friday night at the Planet Bar. Money rubbed shoulders with money. Ladies preened and giggled over the top of cucumber daiquiris and rosewater mojitos all the while seeking out new targets, fresh wallets. The men played their part. Laughed a little too loud when needed. Stepped out for smokes. Drank their Johnnie Walker Blues. Ordered more with practiced flickers of fingers. In the midst of this maelstrom of entitlement and low grade sexual minestrone one man patrols his bar, an oasis of calm in an otherwise…

“Miss Auder.”

“Your honour?”

“Could you please remind your witness he is in a courtroom, not in his study writing a failed novel.” Continue reading “A Few Dead Men by Nik Eveleigh” →

All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

The Greatest Cock that Ever Lived by David Louden

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I was fifteen, it was April and the summer had started early. My mother gave me ten pounds to run to the parade of shops at the bottom of the Oldpark Road to buy two steaks and some mince to fry into burgers for the dog’s dinner. Dragging myself away from the television I threw on my trainers, laced up, pocketed the banknote and walked down to the bottom of The Bone. I passed many people, they all knew me. I said hello to them all before suddenly someone was calling my name from outside the Suicide Inn.

Continue reading “The Greatest Cock that Ever Lived by David Louden” →

All Stories, Humour

The Royalists by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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The ten leaders of the greatest country on the planet Girth sat in an emergency meeting. Civil unrest plagued the land. Something had to be done.

The oldest and wisest man – they were all men – spoke. His words were weighty. He put the facts on the table in a statesmanlike way. Only a few years ago, he was the supreme leader, but when his charisma faded a new leader, Peter, was elected. The Minister of Commerce, Still Gates, was a powerful man who benefited from small to no change in society.

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All Stories, Humour

Dracul’s Lair Rooms Available by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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“Baaah! I see you have entered into my lay-aargh…”

“Why do you always say it like that?”

“Lay-aargh?”

“It’s lair.” Piotr said.

“Aaah…Okay. But I don’t see why the reviews are bad. Isn’t my presence awfully scaaary?”

“Why do you wish to be scary? We’re just vampires running a hotel.”

“Aah! But all vampijours aare scary.” Vlad said.

Continue reading “Dracul’s Lair Rooms Available by Tobias Haglund” →

All Stories, Humour, Story of the Week

Any Crow In A Storm by Nik Eveleigh

Nik

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At the top of the eastern tower hunched against the wind, the man in black gazed out across the grey, winter waste of his homeland. His strong hands gripped the cold stone of the battlement as further assurance against the restless elements and neither his stance nor his stare wavered.

He was a man of many names. In the hushed, excited tones of children telling ghost stories he was The Darkman. To the men who had battled at his side throughout the surrounding lands he was Nightstrike. His dear, departed mother had referred to him as Wherizzeethistimethelittleshi…

Everyone else called him Stormcrow. Continue reading “Any Crow In A Storm by Nik Eveleigh” →

All Stories, Humour, Story of the Week

Trick-or-Treating in Germanville by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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Hans wandered a street in Eaten-Notthemeatenberg, a small rural city in Germanville, with his sister Gretel. The siblings were about to go trick-or-treating. They came to a house and rang the doorbell. A man, with a prominent mustache, called Friedrich, opened the door.

”Hello, Sir. Trick or treat?”

”What in the name of…”

“God?” Gretel asked suggestively.

“Please… God is dead. We killed him.”

“Did you kill God!? How could you…” Gretel cried out and both of the children ran away from the horrible man.

“No! You have misinterpreted me!” Nietzsche yelled and hoped that no one else would ever do the same. Continue reading “Trick-or-Treating in Germanville by Tobias Haglund” →