“Baaah! I see you have entered into my lay-aargh…”
“Why do you always say it like that?”
“Lay-aargh?”
“It’s lair.” Piotr said.
“Aaah…Okay. But I don’t see why the reviews are bad. Isn’t my presence awfully scaaary?”
“Why do you wish to be scary? We’re just vampires running a hotel.”
“Aah! But all vampijours aare scary.” Vlad said.
“That’s very ineffective. We’re using powerful black magic to lure them in here and you’re doing your scary voice. They run immediately. We’ve got bats to feed for crying out loud!”
“Aah! D’you see them crying? The children of the naight… “
“Shut up. Look – we’ve got a booking for tonight.” Piotr showed the booking to Vlad, who vanished into a shadow and reappeared next to the screen. “Boy and girl on honeymoon. It’s all magic. Why would they come to Transylvania and not Paris?”
Vlad had no time to answer. The couple walked into the lobby. The decor fascinated them and it took them a second to even notice Vlad and Piotr.
“Aaah. Velkom childeren. Into my lay-aargh.” Vlad slid from behind the red velvet, the only decorative input he had been allowed. “Your baaaagssss…?”
“What?” Liam asked.
“No, I’m sorry. He just had a stroke. Welcome to Dracul’s Lair. Is this your first visit?” Piotr asked.
“Yes, we’re actually on our honeymoon.” Jennie said.
The couple looked at each other and smiled. Their smile was met at the desk by Piotr’s smile. He fingered a few buttons on the rustic computer.
“That’s sweet. I tell you what. Just because you make such a cute couple, well… I shouldn’t.”
“Aaaah… I’m thinking of things I shouldn’t.”
The couple looked behind at Vlad who suddenly had a cape on.
“Baaaags…” Vlad moved to the door.
“But the car…is … locked.” Jennie said as Vlad exited.
“Don’t mind him. He’s getting your bags.”
“He looks creepy.”
“No, well yes he does. But he’s on a dog diet. Only eats poodles. I assure you: you have nothing to worry about.”
Piotr pushed a button. “Where was I? Oh yes. We would like to give you the honeymoon suite. No extra charge.”
Jennie turned to Liam. “Wasn’t there a dog rescue center next to this building?”
“You’re still on the dog diet. That was a joke. He is not eating poodles.”
“You shouldn’t joke about that.”
A vein in the forehead of Piotr started to throb. “Look. Boy and girl. Liam and Jennifer. I’m trying to give you a honeymoon suite for no extra cost. Now, you can either take the keys and go up to your room or we can bring back the creepy dog devourer.”
“Your baaaaags.” Vlad and bags appeared from behind the red curtains, holding an empty leash.
Liam and Jennie stared at the empty leash while Piotr gave Vlad an angry look. Not an appropriate joke. Piotr reached for a questionnaire and a pencil.
“Liam and Jennifer, if I can trouble you with filling out this questionnaire? It’s about the greeting. You don’t need to fill it out now, but before noon.”
“What happens at noon?”
“Did I say noon? I meant tomorrow afternoon. That’s when you’re leaving, right?”
Piotr gave them the questionnaire and Vlad helped with the bags. The honeymoon suite was luxurious and the couple soon forgot every doubt they had about Dracul’s Lair. The bed was heart shaped. Two big paintings of previous owners hung on opposite sides of the bed. A fountain of red wine stood in the middle of the room, overlooking the stone balcony. The glass windows sent moonlight upon both fountain and bed. Eerie music played in the distant and Liam opened the balcony. Piotr could be heard, singing with a voice full of seduction.
Nigh time sharpens, heightens each sensation…
“Is that Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera?”
“I don’t know. Wait.” Liam read from the questionnaire. ”What did you think of the Music of the Night performance?”-What the hell?”
“Liam, listen.”
Silently the senses…
“Isn’t it beautiful? Come here. Let’s lay on the bed.”
Both Liam and Jennie undressed in the wondrous air of both music and moonlight. During the love act Jennie felt as though she was being watched. But as the music reached crescendo, she closed her eyes.
Let your soul take you where you long to beeeeeeeeeee…
Liam felt chest pains, but gave in to the pleasure of the act rather than the discomfort of his pumping heart. As the pleasure rose his vision became blurrier. His stamina diminished rapidly leaving him dry and weakened. Jennie felt more alive yet still, a shadow seemed unavoidably there, right above the bed, a smiling shadow lurking, no luring them, even inviting them to darkness. She was trying to reach it, but something threw them back, cast them out.
“A two!?”
Jennie screamed and shrunk back into Liam’s arms. Piotr joined Vlad at the side of the bed waving the questionnaire.
“How could the performance of Music of the Night be worth only two out of five drops of blood? I literally sang the life out of you!”
“Aaah, you shouldn’t hav sung a musical… What did they rate my dance?”
“They didn’t.”
“Whaaa? You didn’t like my daaanssse?” Vlad turned to the paled skinned couple. Neither of them answered him right away, so he put his cold hand around Jennies chin to make it move.
“We… never saw it.”
Piotr picked up the pen and walked to the bed. “Were you invisible?”
“Aaah…Very likely.”
“And you’re wondering why we have poor customer reviews!”
literally stories 
So many parts of this that I love but the “Let your soul take you where you long to beeeeeeeeeee…” followed by the waving questionnaire makes me laugh every time I read this. And I’ve read it plenty of times. One of your best Tobias – enjoyed this very much.
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I actually enjoy the song very much and sing it to the joy or terror (depending on your propensity for truth). I thought it was a perfect spot for Piotr to whip it out (sorry for the sexual innuendo).
Thank you very much. You were there in the very beginning of this and this is so much cleaner because of you. It’s a lot better! The end scene is the best scene. And the most important line of that scene is the waving of questionnaire which actually YOU wrote! It really tied the scene together and made it work. I wrote three sentences, not at all funny, which you replaced with “waving”. So visual. You deserve credit for this one as well.
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Hi Tobias, A mad cap comedy indeed. Lots of comical images that would be hilarious with a visual enactment on a TV sketch show. Interesting that you picked up on the fact that even the worst hotels are insecure about receiving customer reviews, I would have expected in this case – the worse the better. Only eating Poodles is a certain specific diet that surely leads to wool or fur balls in the stomach, maybe it soaks up the blood? A fun read. James.
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Yes I thought it would be funny for them to care about such a ordinary problem for hotels.
For some reason I always write comedies in sketch form. I must have watched too much TV. I’m glad you thought it was funny.
I don’t know about the poodles. It’s actually a rewrite. The editors didn’t think my first joke was appropriate and I know where they’re coming from – they are not the sensitive kind – so of course I agree. I rewrote the jokes to Vlad having a dog diet instead.
Thanks for your comment, James!
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Reblogged this on Tobias Haglund and commented:
My comedy on Literally Stories. Very funny.
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In spite of the fact that I avoid horror shows, I must admit that this was a hellova good read and I’m still smiling. Best, June
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You are very kind, June, to try this on anyway. I’m not particularly fond of Fantasy (especially not Vampires!) so this was my parody of the genre. I thought it would be funny to have them run a hotel together and care about customer reviews. They use black magic to lure young couples to the hotel, yet can’t change the bad reviews of the customers. I still find that funny.
Right from the start it’s such a ridiculous story that I could get away with so much in this. One vampire brother is doing an invisible dance to the other brother’s singing of Music of the Night… I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh at my own stuff, but it’s just so ridiculous. Thank you for commenting and reading, June. You are very kind!
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Hi Tobias, their voices are in my head!!! This is a very witty piece of writing. I think that we can all relate to this and read it in black and white!
All the very best my friend.
Hugh
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It’s funny you should mention the voices. I recorded a reading of this (awful dialects etc) and also Trick-Or-Treating (a very German interpretation).
Yes, this piece is very relatable. I think we have all been at that hotel, being seduced by a musical while another vampire is invisible and dances. 🙂 Thanks for the kind words, Hugh. You’re always classy and kind!
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