Reminiscing by Hugh Cron – Adult Content.

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Paul sighed as he walked into the unit. He didn’t want to be there but his mother had insisted. He walked into the lounge and saw his grandpa sitting in the corner. He grabbed a chair and sat down beside the old man.

“Hi Gramps, how are you?”

“Fine son. Why is there a chicken on your head?”

“There isn’t.”

“Fair enough! Did I tell you about the time…”

“Yes! You’ve told me your stories of forty years ago many times!”

“Well I had just finished my breakfast, it must have been around two when I put on…Ach you’ll not know but I was watching…”

“Jeremy Kyle”

“…Have I told you this before?”

“Yes.”

“Well, there were two women and they didn’t know who the mother was…It was hilarious! Who is that?”

Paul looked round to where the old man pointed.  He was surprised to see an actual person.

“It’s one of the nurses gramps…Jim, you know him.”

“I don’t like the look of him.”

“He’s fine. What were you saying?”

“I don’t know son. There was this one time that I killed so many arseholes on Call of Creed.”

“That’s an old game. Was it not ‘Duty’?”

“Aye…Duty of Creed. Man I was smoking. I mean actually smoking. Do you know what ‘Bombay Blue’ is?”

“Bath Salts? Plant food? Incense?”

“No. It was this stuff that you smoked and The Police couldn’t do you for it! I smoked so much.”

“I know! Was that not because you were a pussy and you couldn’t handle real drugs?”

“Shut your hole you cheeky wee bastard. I didn’t stand in the queue for my Broo money to listen to your pish. We used to have to actually go down to the Post Office every morning at midday to cash our giro. Mind you it eventually got paid into my bank but that’s not the point. Anyway where was I. Oh aye, that cracking day. Well after the Bombay Blue, I settled down with…Do you know what Buckfast was?”

“Yes. Shite tonic wine.”

“Exactly. Oh I can still taste it. Pity you can’t get it now-a-days. Anyway after a hard days gaming I sat back and enjoyed the soaps. Home and Neighbours, Emernation Street. They don’t make telly like that now-a-days!”

“Thank fuck!”

“Shut it! Why is there a camel out there?”

Paul looked out to where his grandpa was pointing.”

“There’s not!”

“Aw, I thought there was…Anyway, after my Buckie and soaps, I went into the town.”

“I take it wasn’t for pubs or clubs?”

“No, I sat in the High Street with my pals and we shouted at each other. It was minted.”

“Did you ever get into any fights?”

“No me son, I didn’t want to damage the designer gear. I was always a bit of a ticket.”

“What about women grandpa, did you shag many?”

“No. The Bombay Blue did my todger in.”

“Wait a minute. What about my mum.”

“Her…She was adopted. We got more off the social that way.”

“Thanks for that Grandpa! Jesus! What about travel? Did you go abroad?”

“Never. But I was up in Oban once with ‘The Prince’s Trust’. Did I ever tell you about that?”

“Was that the time that you stayed in the hostel played Call of Duty, smoked Bombay Blue and drunk Buckie while the soaps were on?”

“Cheeky wee bastard! What about my twenty-first? Did I tell you about that…I had just watched…”

 

Hugh Cron

 

7 thoughts on “Reminiscing by Hugh Cron – Adult Content.

  1. Hi Hugh,
    Once again I’m on the floor laughing (Damm that fine Singltons malt a snip at a mere £26 at Vikkies wines) you fair cheer me up my man well done, brilliant story. all the best for Ne’erday.

    Yours, Sandy W.

    Like

    • Hi Sandy, you old warhorse! The Aberlour seems to be on special in most places every now and again but for pure brain damage, there is nothing to beat a Talikser! Thanks for the comments. Thanks for being about and all the best to you and yours!!
      Hugh

      Like

  2. Hilarious and brilliant as always, Hugh! I had a similar thought for a story a while back, how the bar has lowered since “men were men” etc. Glad I don’t have to bother writing it now because this is just fantastic.

    Like

      • My pleasure, Hugh. It’s good to see some familiar names in a new land. Loving all your offerings. Feel extremely under productive in comparison.

        Like

  3. Love the idea behind this and as ever it gave me plenty of cause to laugh out loud and get weird looks from my colleagues. At least I think that’s why they give me weird looks…

    All the very best for 2015 Hugh!

    Like

    • Thanks Nik, your continual support means a lot to me. If I make you laugh that is all the better. I hope you get everything you want for you and your family this year.
      Hugh

      Like

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