Category: Humour

All Stories, General Fiction, Humour, Story of the Week

Ultra-Belfast by Dave Louden – Adult Content

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I had been in hell a week by this point. It looked a lot like Belfast. I knew it was hell because I couldn’t find any of my favourite bars and it was the 12th of July every day. The streets were awash with track-suited skinheads and chippie wrappers, and smelt of dark orange piss. I died the same age as Bukowski, seventy-three years-old. He had wanted to go at eighty making it with an eighteen year-old, I was just happy making it beyond fifty. It was a rare landmark for the men in my family.

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All Stories, Humour

Mr. Peta by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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“Mr. Peta. A broad’s waitin’ for ya.”

“The red dress with blonde hair? Yea? Did you offer her somethin’ to drink? I got a feeling she’s gonna need it.”

I acted surprised when I saw her. The news coverage pretty much summed up what the meeting would be about. Socialite inherited fortune after bloody breakfast accident.

“Hello Mr. Peta.”

“It’s Mr. Peter.”

“The secretary-”

“She can’t speak. What can I do you for?”

I sat down and shoved old newspapers with half-finished crossword puzzles to the side. I didn’t want her to know I couldn’t finish what I had started. I offered her a glass of bourbon smokier than a factory working ballet dancer.

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All Stories, Humour

Holding Hostage by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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A young man or an old boy depending on your view point, called Vernon, was in his last year of high school when something out of the ordinary happened, but to fully explain the situation one needs to understand the back story.

Vernon went to an IT-oriented high school even though he had never been interested in computers. Since most of the classmates were geeks, Vernon knew he had to become the cool guy in the class; it was and still is Swedish law. However Vernon had no experience in being cool.

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

Sanctions By Hugh Cron – Adult Content

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“MR BELL!!”

“THAT’LL BE ME!!!”

The security guard walked over. Neil watched as the guard’s belly swayed from side to side. He couldn’t help himself as he began to gag.

Why the fuck do I imagine so many ugly people shagging?

“Have you a problem?”

Neil hit at his chest.

“No, not at all, I just have an attack of the dry boak.”

The guard pulled at the back of his trousers, “No, I don’t mean that, I mean your outburst.”

“MR BELL, I AM WAITING!!?”

“Oh, you mean like that?”

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All Stories, Humour

A Captivating Meeting by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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”… and that’s when I found out he wasn’t my father!”

”Okay. How about dropping the gun?”

“There you go again. Thinking only about yourself. It seems as if you’re not even listening to me…”

“I’m NOT listening to you…”

“…because as I have been talking about very personal things you still go on about your selfish things. I don’t want to threaten you again, but if you keep…”

“I’m not threatened and have never been threatened.” Simon looked into the security camera. “Let the record show that I have never been threatened.”

“Simon.” Billy said and cocked the gun. “Stop focusing on the police or the other hostages and listen to me.”

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All Stories, Humour

A Few Dead Men by Nik Eveleigh

Nik

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It was a typical Friday night at the Planet Bar. Money rubbed shoulders with money. Ladies preened and giggled over the top of cucumber daiquiris and rosewater mojitos all the while seeking out new targets, fresh wallets. The men played their part. Laughed a little too loud when needed. Stepped out for smokes. Drank their Johnnie Walker Blues. Ordered more with practiced flickers of fingers. In the midst of this maelstrom of entitlement and low grade sexual minestrone one man patrols his bar, an oasis of calm in an otherwise…

“Miss Auder.”

“Your honour?”

“Could you please remind your witness he is in a courtroom, not in his study writing a failed novel.” Continue reading “A Few Dead Men by Nik Eveleigh” →

All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

The Greatest Cock that Ever Lived by David Louden

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I was fifteen, it was April and the summer had started early. My mother gave me ten pounds to run to the parade of shops at the bottom of the Oldpark Road to buy two steaks and some mince to fry into burgers for the dog’s dinner. Dragging myself away from the television I threw on my trainers, laced up, pocketed the banknote and walked down to the bottom of The Bone. I passed many people, they all knew me. I said hello to them all before suddenly someone was calling my name from outside the Suicide Inn.

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All Stories, Humour, Story of the Week

Pines Everywhere by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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“Pines everywhere. And we have been driving in this stinking Volvo for three hours without a break.”

“A much needed coffee break, indeed!”

Joe tapped the car window a few times. A clear blue lake could be spotted behind the pines, but Joe turned his head and just missed it. He turned on the radio.

“Listen. What the hell is he talking about? Is he talking Elvish?”

“No I don’t think it is Elvis, it sounds Swedish to me.”

Ulriksberg 4 km.

“Drive towards Owhlricksburgh. It must be Norway.”

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All Stories, Humour

The Royalists by Tobias Haglund

Tobias Haglund

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The ten leaders of the greatest country on the planet Girth sat in an emergency meeting. Civil unrest plagued the land. Something had to be done.

The oldest and wisest man – they were all men – spoke. His words were weighty. He put the facts on the table in a statesmanlike way. Only a few years ago, he was the supreme leader, but when his charisma faded a new leader, Peter, was elected. The Minister of Commerce, Still Gates, was a powerful man who benefited from small to no change in society.

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All Stories, Humour

Crouching Feline, Hidden Lobster by Nik Eveleigh

Nik

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It begins as these things often do with a man talking to an imaginary cat. This fabulous and formidable feline is not only figmentary, but also sarcastic, cynical and prone to unprovoked bouts of profanity.

“So I’m supposed to say bollocks and the like for no reason?”

“Yes, that’s the sort of thing I expect. Now shut up and let me return to my musings.”

It begins as these things often do…

“You’ve mused that already.”

“Yes, thank you for that. Now once again shut up.”

“Just saying…”

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