Category: Humour

All Stories, Humour

Water Buffalo for One by Tim Grutzmacher

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Gary still had some paper to use up. He didn’t want anything to go to waste. He had ordered personalized stationery for years and relished any opportunity to use it. This particular batch featured a thick black line across the top of the page with his name standing out in the most powerful font he believed to have ever existed. He had decided to hand write it, Gary was quite proud of his penmanship and had received countless compliments about it over the years, along with decorations from his school days. It went as follows…

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All Stories, Humour, Short Fiction

Initiation by Richelle Co

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I stare into the fire, tendrils of heat swirling around my face.

It is the first time I will do this. I had anticipated growing inherent wisdom, like that of the elders, but here I am at a ripe age and still rendered witless by the task ahead of me. Adulthood is a farce.

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

The Samurai by Larry Lefkowitz

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The epiphany seized Sondheim at breakfast. The morning after he had seen, or rather dozed in part through, the Japanese movie on television. Scenes had flitted through his dreams and he was still in a vaguely Japanese mood as he descended to breakfast – or what he thought would be breakfast. There was none. To his query as to why not, his wife was dismissive. “My morning run,” she said; her white running shoes flashed briefly in the burst of sunlight before the door closed.

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All Stories, Horror, Humour

This Goddamn Place by Matthew Lyons

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The fight starts in the kitchen between a couple of chefs, which means it could be about any number of things (drugs, booze, girls, hours, pay), but because Terry and Sean are a pair of obnoxious, stupid assholes, it’s about some soup.  Terry thinks the bisque could use some paprika, but Sean fucking hates paprika.

That’s it.  That’s all it takes to set them off.

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All Stories, Humour

Pooboogle by Adam Kluger

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The delivery guy from Arturo’s Italian Restaurant had a sixth finger. It waved about like a little pink antenna. Horace always gave him a big tip and tried not to stare at it. They would link eyes and smile at each other. There was a tacit agreement not to stare at the unusual little digit —and to tip big…and move on. Every time that Horace ordered from Arturo’s he forgot about the delivery guy. The chicken parmesan was so outstanding that the gross-out factor at the door was but a minor inconvenience.

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All Stories, Humour

We Love You, Flo Haverson by Jeff Blechle

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“Your face looks ugly when you’re thinking, Haverson, so knock that shit off.” Flo eyed him as she angled and exhumed a Hell Energy from the small fridge, then she and her implied neglect left the finished basement, climbing the carpeted stairs with such pomp that the two men looked away and shook their heads.

Joel Haverson leaned over Flo’s handcrafted bar and whispered to Earl, “She’s going through some things.”

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All Stories, Horror, Humour

The Last Time I Saw Grampaw By Matthew Lyons

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We paint smiley faces on the balloons so he knows we love him and everything’s okay.  We tie the strings in bowline knots so they won’t get loose and mess everything up.  We wheel him out of the room, and we think he smiles when the morning light falls on his face, and that makes us all smile, too.

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All Stories, Humour

Flea Market by Raymond Hopkins

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We had a day out last Saturday.  Well, when I say a day out, I mean we spent a lot of time going from one flea market to another.  There are plenty of them in this town, let me tell you.  Don’t get me wrong, I like flea markets, but then I don’t mind where I am just as long as it’s with Sandra.  Not that she asked me to come along, just took it for granted really, but it doesn’t matter since she always thinks I shouldn’t be let out on my own.

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All Stories, Humour

Car Crash Television by Nik Eveleigh

Nik

“…you can actually taste the friction Dimitri.”

Stu shook his head and stared, unnoticed at his iPad surfing wife. “Did you hear that Jen? They can actually taste the friction.”

“Hmm…that’s nice love.”

“I suppose they’d know that sort of thing what with it being a cooking show and all, but actually tasting friction? I can’t even begin to contemplate what friction would taste like. OK that’s not true, I imagine it tastes pretty similar to sticking one of those nine volt Duracells on your tongue when you were nine and stupid but that isn’t the point.”

“I expect so love.”

“You’re not even listening to me are you? I could say whatever I wanted right now and you wouldn’t hear a word of…come to think of it it’s probably more like sucking on wet wool.”

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