Car Crash Television by Nik Eveleigh

…you can actually taste the friction Dimitri.

Stu shook his head and stared, unnoticed at his iPad surfing wife. “Did you hear that Jen? They can actually taste the friction.”

“Hmm…that’s nice love.”

“I suppose they’d know that sort of thing what with it being a cooking show and all, but actually tasting friction? I can’t even begin to contemplate what friction would taste like. OK that’s not true, I imagine it tastes pretty similar to sticking one of those nine volt Duracells on your tongue when you were nine and stupid but that isn’t the point.”

“I expect so love.”

“You’re not even listening to me are you? I could say whatever I wanted right now and you wouldn’t hear a word of…come to think of it it’s probably more like sucking on wet wool.”

“What is?”

Friction my darling. Or the taste of it at least. You’re not listening to me are you? They’re doing one of those team challenges on Bulgarian Masterchef and Ivan and Maria are having some big disagreement about whether the cabbage salad should be warm or hot. Apparently the friction between them has reached such a level it has taken on a tastable form. My gut instinct was that it would taste mostly like sticking a battery on your tongue but I’m more inclined to go with sucking on wet, freshly sheared wool now. What do you think?”

“Hmm? About what love?”

“Oh for the love of…never mind it doesn’t matter. I realise it’s probably too much to ask for us to have a conversation or to debate the whole idea that situational emotions can actually have a flavour. You get back to whatever it is your doing. Don’t let me disturb you. I’ll just sit here quietly and see what other barmy concepts they come up with.”

“Sure.”

…if you can’t stand the heat then take your frying pan out of the fire…there are FIVE MINUTES TO GO…

“Ahh…such blissful mangling of metaphors. I shall look forward to some early parrots and sick doors later on. Maybe we’ll hit the jackpot of idiom idiocy tonight and someone will kindly announce that the proof is in the pudding. I’m so glad we’ve dispensed with all that pesky eating of said pudding in order to judge, it seemed so unnecessary somehow.”

“It’s an American thing.”

Stu dropped the remote control on to the sofa. “It lives! It speaks! The fifteen hour operation to remove the media device from the suburban housewife was a medical triumph!”

Jen rolled her eyes and picked up the controls. “Hilarious.”

Stu held up a hand. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to…I just get a bit…wait, stop, why are you changing channels?”

“Why do you care? All you’ve done is moan about it since it started.”

“I wasn’t moaning my darling, I was interacting. Getting into the spirit of it and such.”

“Tough. Wool Wars is starting in a minute and it’s the season finale.”

“I can barely contain my excitement. I’m assuming it probably won’t be a gladiatorial style fight to the death armed only with knitting needles and what little armour the two combatants’ creations from last week’s cardigan challenge can provide…no…it’ll be something more meaningful like knitting a two man tent in under an hour.”

“You don’t have to watch it.”

“I’m only doing it to kill time until the semi-finals of the Nigerian Spelling Bee later on. Oh, I meant to say there’s a new one starting next week.”

“The new season already? That was quick.”

“No. Brand new show. Twenty-four wannabe novelists sharing a house get put through a series of challenges, poor performers get eliminated; the usual stuff. First episode looks like a cracker. Fifteen minute flash challenge, no word limit and no genre restrictions. Only the top three stories get read and the winner gets a power bookmark. Big budget stuff it seems from the adverts. Lee Child week, a quill and ink challenge…all kinds of stuff.”

“Sounds great! What’s it called?”

The Great British Write Off…

 

Nik Eveleigh

22 thoughts on “Car Crash Television by Nik Eveleigh

  1. Haha, now that’s a scary thought. I did a Writers in Residence once. Public venue, 3 hours to write a short story based on an undisclosed theme. It was a car crash, mate. I’d go out in the first round.
    Great piece, totally love the interaction between narratives.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Nik, I think you have captured the demise of meaningful social interaction brought about by the inane and repetitive garble on the TV…I love the irony of the “Great British Write Off” that could cover so much more than just writing.
    We just had the final episode of the latest three part, BBC, Sherlock on our TV screen last night. Oh Dear! I can only sum it up with; “Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains no matter how improbable, must (in this case) still be very improbable”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly why I included that line James – I generally oscillate between despair and disbelief when it comes to reality TV, but I have to admit to being a bit of a Masterchef addict!

      Love your “Once you have eliminated the impossible…” line – spot on! Thanks for reading – glad you enjoyed it and great to hear your thoughts as ever.

      Like

  3. This neatly timed little comedy reminds me of what it’s like in my house. There’s plenty of interacting; unfortunately I have no one to bounce my observations off of except cats, and all they seem to want to discuss is why the hall closet resembles the heading picture to this story. Also, I find something menacing about the Bulgarian cabbage dispute. I’ll resume yelling at myself until I come to a conclusion as to what I find frightening there. Fine work,
    L.A.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are few things in life more menacing than a Bulgarian cabbage dispute that’s for sure – except maybe for the look my one cat gives me whenever any sort of interaction is attempted. Hope the yelling yielded a resolution. Really glad you enjoyed this and appreciate you taking the time to comment (and make me laugh!)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “Reality” shows – cheap to produce and get the eyeballs. I think that friction tastes like dental work. Maybe it is more the smell, but then I’m told taste is mostly smell.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Nik,
    Your subjects are random and there is never any doubt about the skill of your writing.
    I would say that all your stories do have an observational feel to them with an addition of your acute perception of the known and unsaid.
    As memorable as always!!
    All the very best my friend.
    Hugh

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know what you mean Hugh…the idea of sitting down and moaning at the TV is a complete fiction to me. I have no frame of reference whatsoever… 🙂

      Cheers my friend – one day I might settle down and pick a subject or genre but I’m glad you are enjoying the variety!

      Like

  6. “I’m assuming it probably won’t be a gladiatorial style fight to the death armed only with knitting needles and what little armour the two combatants’ creations from last week’s cardigan challenge can provide”

    Haha! That bit made me truly laugh out loud. 😀 Great work as always, Nik.

    Liked by 1 person

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