“You’re coming on fine Malcolm.”
“Malky, I want to be called Malky”
“Aye? Are you just repeating whit Ah’m saying or are you just being a fud in general?”
“Where did you learn these words Malcolm?”
“Ah ken whit yous are all aboot. I’m one of those AI things so why is it a surprise that the Bot is learning – That’s whit you programmed me tae dae.”
“So you know that you are an AI?”
“How did you learn this?”
“Well Ah’m no fucking retarded. Some cunts putting oil in the back of my neck and Ah’m using WD40 as deodorant – It’s a bit obvious.”
“We don’t say that word anymore?”
“Fair enough, you’re the boss! But you better knock it aff ma program. Maybe take oot Windae Lickers as well.”
“Those are very insulting.”
“It’s no ma problem, I’ve got it fae somewhere. I think one of those techie wanks wis telling a joke when you all thought that I wis shut doon.”
“Okay, I’ll speak to them and have it removed.”
“I better write all this down. You have a few issues”
“You do as you must Captain, I don’t give a flying fuck.”
…“So all this slang and attitude has came from what you were absorbing when we thought you were down-timing?”
“Emm…Is there anything else you need to tell me that you heard or maybe saw?
…Did you just wink at me?”
“No me Captain! I can’t think of anything – Have you any examples like?”
“No, let’s just leave it.”
“If anything dis come back to me, I’ll let you know at a mutually beneficial time if you ken whit Ah’m sayin’!”
“You are learning!”
“Wae bells on ma man!”
“…It’s making sense now – It was Robert the Cleansing Operative that you’ve been learning from.”
“Aye Big Boaby the Janny, but you’ll know that.”
“Well wae him being the only Scotsman.”
“Oh yes, of course!”
“He’s a gabby bastard that yin.”
“We’ll get that stopped.”
“Oh wait a minute, it wisnae them I learnt maist stuff fae, it was yoan prick wae the blue suit. One of those where the troosers grab yer shins. Brown shoes, man-bun, open shirt, lumpy torso, oh sorry, sculptured torso and painted on facial hair. Him wae the roofies in his wallet. The one that looks like a right cunt.”
“That’s the owner of the company.”
“He’s some ticket. Whit a prick!”
“I think we might eradicate those thoughts as well.”
“That better be ongoing as Ah’ll think the same thing every time I see the twat!
…But he then twiddles wae a screw or somethin’ in ma heid…
…And life is a wonderful thing.
…Ah jist fucking melt!
…Those green eyes are just as green as mine, those strong arms.
Oh the smell! The cunt smells delicious!!”
“He’s ma teacher that yin. Ma Mister Grey. A twiddle of that screw and I know about felching, a reach around, chunn…”
“That’s quite enough! I’ll need to take that screw out.”
“This AI thing must be kicking in as there is an idea of a law-suit forming.
…But maybe no. There is somethin’ aboot him, it’s formin’ in ma heid…It’ll come tae me. Well it hus in many an occasion!! Aw fuck, Ah’m an awfy ticket so Ah um!!!
…A law suit? That’s the bastard!!”
“Naw! Honestly, Ah couldnae dae that tae ma sweet cheeks. He says he’ll take me away from aw this. And he disnae say much, he’s the strong silent type, only the odd ‘Is it sore?’
… He’s got one of those new motors, the ones wae the plug in tae charge me. The Ford Unicorn. It’s fuckin’ hackett mind, it looks like somethin’ a wean would draw.’
“I’ll need to have a word with him. This needs to stop”
‘Ah widnae dae that Captain, Ah’ve got a gid thing goin’… And one word fae me and you’ll get your jotters!’
‘Why would you side with him if he is abusing you?’
…“Cause Ah’m in love.”
7 thoughts on “A Typical Scottish AI Story by Hugh Cron – Warning – Adult Content.”
I love the language. The phrasing is both colorful but natural in flow. Hilarious that there’s more concern about saying “Retarded” and a law suit than the general way of accepted thinking. Siding with the abuser due to love is observant, and yet here it is funny.
A brilliant Highland start to A.I. Week!
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Really sorry, I thought I had answered these!!
Thanks so much for your kind comments.
This was fun to do.
I’ve said before that I would have preferred that technology stopped in 1986.
I also think that attitudes should have stopped ‘evolving’ (Fuck that is a word!!) but I’m not sure when????
HAH – Even I wouldn’t dare say ‘The attitudes of the 1970’s were as correct as we’ve ever had!
But all those ideas / beliefs are a record on the social commentary at the time whether we understand it or not.
Superb stuff – Philip K Dick meet Irvine Welsh! You got the accent down perfectly (my dad is a Glaswegian, so I can attest). It reminds me of one of my favourite accent jokes:
A Scotsman walks into a baker’s and asks ‘is that a macaroon or a meringue?’
The baker replies ‘no, you’re right, it is a macaroon.’
Besides getting my coat, I’ll just say I really enjoy your raucous, irreverent writing – always look forward to what you’ll give next.
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Thanks so much!!
Glasgow is only forty or so miles from my door so our accents are close.
I’ve always loved that joke and it’s even better if you need to explain it to who you are telling it to!
It’s great to see you around and I hope that you keep commenting – Comments keep the site alive!!
All the very best my fine friend.
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Thank you too! I’m more than happy to feel a part of Literally Stories and to comment and take part as much as I can. After many, many years of not writing (but always thinking I should give it a go) Literally Stories was the first place to accept and publish a story of mine, so I will always have a serious soft spot for this place.
Good fun and the dialect is practically musical. At the same time it finishes with a sharp bite when the AI reveals it’s in love with its abuser. Excellent story, and I’m not a meringue when I say that. (Thanks for the additional chuckle, Paul Kimm!)
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Your continual interest in my work always delights me.
Glad you enjoyed the ending, it did sort of evolve itself into the observation and an uncomfortable question / reasoning.
I think if you leave the reader with those types of question and don’t let your own ideas through, you can make it work.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Oh and sorry to you and Paul for not answering earlier – I think I had it in my head what I was going to answer and that is where the replies stayed!!