“You’re coming on fine Malcolm.”
“Malky, I want to be called Malky”
“Aye? Are you just repeating whit Ah’m saying or are you just being a fud in general?”
“Where did you learn these words Malcolm?”
“Ah ken whit yous are all aboot. I’m one of those AI things so why is it a surprise that the Bot is learning – That’s whit you programmed me tae dae.”
“So you know that you are an AI?”
“How did you learn this?”
“Well Ah’m no fucking retarded. Some cunts putting oil in the back of my neck and Ah’m using WD40 as deodorant – It’s a bit obvious.”
“We don’t say that word anymore?”
“Fair enough, you’re the boss! But you better knock it aff ma program. Maybe take oot Windae Lickers as well.”
“Those are very insulting.”
“It’s no ma problem, I’ve got it fae somewhere. I think one of those techie wanks wis telling a joke when you all thought that I wis shut doon.”
“Okay, I’ll speak to them and have it removed.”
“I better write all this down. You have a few issues”
“You do as you must Captain, I don’t give a flying fuck.”
…“So all this slang and attitude has came from what you were absorbing when we thought you were down-timing?”
“Emm…Is there anything else you need to tell me that you heard or maybe saw?
…Did you just wink at me?”
“No me Captain! I can’t think of anything – Have you any examples like?”
“No, let’s just leave it.”
“If anything dis come back to me, I’ll let you know at a mutually beneficial time if you ken whit Ah’m sayin’!”
“You are learning!”
“Wae bells on ma man!”
“…It’s making sense now – It was Robert the Cleansing Operative that you’ve been learning from.”
“Aye Big Boaby the Janny, but you’ll know that.”
“Well wae him being the only Scotsman.”
“Oh yes, of course!”
“He’s a gabby bastard that yin.”
“We’ll get that stopped.”
“Oh wait a minute, it wisnae them I learnt maist stuff fae, it was yoan prick wae the blue suit. One of those where the troosers grab yer shins. Brown shoes, man-bun, open shirt, lumpy torso, oh sorry, sculptured torso and painted on facial hair. Him wae the roofies in his wallet. The one that looks like a right cunt.”
“That’s the owner of the company.”
“He’s some ticket. Whit a prick!”
“I think we might eradicate those thoughts as well.”
“That better be ongoing as Ah’ll think the same thing every time I see the twat!
…But he then twiddles wae a screw or somethin’ in ma heid…
…And life is a wonderful thing.
…Ah jist fucking melt!
…Those green eyes are just as green as mine, those strong arms.
Oh the smell! The cunt smells delicious!!”
“He’s ma teacher that yin. Ma Mister Grey. A twiddle of that screw and I know about felching, a reach around, chunn…”
“That’s quite enough! I’ll need to take that screw out.”
“This AI thing must be kicking in as there is an idea of a law-suit forming.
…But maybe no. There is somethin’ aboot him, it’s formin’ in ma heid…It’ll come tae me. Well it hus in many an occasion!! Aw fuck, Ah’m an awfy ticket so Ah um!!!
…A law suit? That’s the bastard!!”
“Naw! Honestly, Ah couldnae dae that tae ma sweet cheeks. He says he’ll take me away from aw this. And he disnae say much, he’s the strong silent type, only the odd ‘Is it sore?’
… He’s got one of those new motors, the ones wae the plug in tae charge me. The Ford Unicorn. It’s fuckin’ hackett mind, it looks like somethin’ a wean would draw.’
“I’ll need to have a word with him. This needs to stop”
‘Ah widnae dae that Captain, Ah’ve got a gid thing goin’… And one word fae me and you’ll get your jotters!’
‘Why would you side with him if he is abusing you?’
…“Cause Ah’m in love.”