Uncle Andy by Hugh Cron – Warning Adult Content

My Uncle Andy always said that even as a boy his cock touched the floor. That was a possibility. He is in a few medical books as having had the worse case of rickets ever documented.

He lied to anyone who would listen. I was sixteen before I realised he’d never been in the army or had played professional lacrosse whilst in the army. I feel stupid now as he said that was why he missed The Falklands.

I actually quite liked him, especially as it was him who bought me my first pint, showed me how to bet and best of all, he drowned my gran.

He never told anyone that and I don’t lie as much as he does.

Me and my uncle spent a lot of time together when I was younger, not so much after her death. I think he knew I knew and wasn’t comfortable with it and to be honest, there may have been other issues. Me, I didn’t give a fuck what he or anyone else thought.

I didn’t like her and I suppose I helped cover it up. I didn’t actually do anything, I just never told anyone what I knew.

I’m loyal to my Uncle Andy. Well, except for the whole myth busting about the size of his cock. And to be honest, other things have crept in. I suppose I mean, I’m loyal to Andy regarding my gran.

It was when he was wanting to marry my Aunt Ruby that the whole business with his mother started.

I was only a kid then, but you know how family history gets passed down by not family.

She hated that Ruby was a Catholic. This was quite ironic as Ruby didn’t give a fuck about either being a Catholic or her opinion. She was actually shagging some of the priests for a few quid here and there. Once you got to know her, she would confide in you that it was a refreshing change to find a man who liked pussy in the Priesthood. I’m not sure if my Uncle knew about this. I only got to find out when I met her in a pub one afternoon when he was working. My God she was steaming! I took her home and removed her tongue from my ear. She passed out on the couch. I covered her up with a throw. But I did have a swatch under her skirt and a there was definite groping. Well probably some form of molestation on my part. But in those days the laws were a bit more liberal as was acceptance. There was no way that I would have touched her if she hadn’t been snoring and to be truthful, I might have done more if her teeth hadn’t fallen out.

I feel bad about the in essence assault, although I consider it payment for not shagging her.

I didn’t tell anyone about that either.

My conscience flits between knowing my gran was murdered and that my Aunt has unkempt pubic hair. Really, it was very long and all over the place.

I need to explain about my gran’s drowning…Well murder I suppose. It was all coincidence and because of that I think God hated her as well. That makes me feel good about God.

She was walking her dog and I was with my uncle.

We were taking the scenic route down the river. We all stayed a few streets away from each other and I bumped into him as we were both walking into town. In all the years that I’d walked down the river I met my uncle a dozen or so times, my gran only the once.

Maybe fate more than coincidence??

As is my dubious and inventive recollection, he ran over to her to give her a hug and he bumped her into the water. It did cross my mind that this was a bit weird as I’d never seen him cuddle her before. He was running a bit too quick for his bowdie legs.

Andy told me on many occasions that he hadn’t forgiven her for dressing him as a girl when he was a kid. The shape of his legs exaggerated the cut of the frock. He said that he looked like one of those doll toilet roll holders. But I think there was more to it than that. I think he blamed her for my grandpa leaving. My uncle was fond of his dad and still fills up when he speaks of him. Fuck knows where my Grandpa is. I don’t even know if he’s still alive.

So she fell in, the dog was running around in circles barking, my gran was screaming and he was shouting at me to go and get help. He was leaning into the water and holding her by the arm. My phone was out of battery and I’d left it at home charging and he shouted that he’d forgotten his. I began to run to get to the main park area where I knew there would be people and that was when for whatever reason I looked round. He was now holding her head above the water. He looked over his shoulders and he couldn’t see me for the bushes. That was when he pushed her under.

I decided to watch him for a few minutes and she eventually stopped splashing. It was strange but I thought about my aunts pubes.

He stood up and began shouting ‘Mum! Mum!’

There was still no-one around so I ran to the park and found an elderly man who was happy to let me use his phone. I called three nines and told them what had happened and where we were. I can’t remember who they said they’d send.

The old boy was brilliant, he put his arm around me and followed me to where my uncle was.

When we got there my uncle was sobbing.

“The current got her! I don’t know where she is.”

The old boy began to jog along the direction the river was flowing.

I needed a minute to process all of this so I said, “I’ll wait for the Police.”

He nodded and began to follow the old man.

The Emergency Services turned out in force, it was quite exciting. She wasn’t found until a few hours later.

Between my uncle and me and the old guy, the Police were quite satisfied with what they heard. Maybe they knew her and also thought she was a cunt.

I’m a bit sad. I think I lost my uncle that day as I don’t think that he’s really trusted me since.

And to be truthful, he’s reason not to. I love it when his wife takes her teeth out for me.

Hugh Cron

Image – An unkempt bush.