I have no friends but the words talk to me. They don’t say what I read, they say something else.
When I was young I read what I heard. I was diagnosed as being dyslexic but I ignored everyone and concentrated on listening to the words. I hid in that diagnosis for many years.
Sometimes the words make me smile, sometimes they make me cry but most of all they make me curious.
I’m never sad, I want to make that clear. My tears are strange, they’re not due to emotion, I simply cry every now and then for whatever reason. I don’t think too much about it.
I tried reading other books to see if they told me different things but they didn’t. They all say the same. I think they must speak to each other or be linked in some way that I don’t understand.
When I was nineteen, I mentioned hearing them. Doctors assumed I meant voices and I didn’t correct them. I ended up being diagnosed as schizophrenic. I thought this would give the dyslexia some company. I get an injection every fortnight but it does nothing. But I know that it may affect me later on, so time is of the essence. Again, I’ve never mentioned any of this.
I don’t fully understand the words yet, they are jumbled and more of a list than a sentence but I know that I’m getting there. They say the same thing over and over again and it’s only with each additional read that I’m beginning to understand.
The words are there, but the clarity of the meaning is a way off. I’ll get it one of these days. I reckon that day will be the third of next month.
I need to realise which ones to ignore, if I do that, I’m certain that the others will make sense.
It’s difficult ignoring but listening at the same time. Not many could do this. I’m not ‘John The Retard’, I’m special.
When I do understand, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I have a suspicion that they are giving me instructions, but that could just be my expectations. I’m not sure if I’ll have a choice.
I hope that no matter what, they will give me answers. Answers to why I hear them.
I’ve listened to more and more books over the last few months. I needed to hear the words.
There are some books that are clearer than others. I will leave them in my flat so that they may be found.
I wonder if they’ll talk to who finds them?
…It’s the second of the month. I know about tomorrow.
The last book did it for me.
I wonder what would have happened if I had read the last book first.
I highlighted the paragraph where I heard the clarity.
I have my instructions. There’s only one other book that I need to read. It might take me a while but not as long as it would have a few years back. I’m grateful for that as I need to get started.
The last book I will ever read will be the phone book.
While I’m reading it, the names will simply say, ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
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