Week 151 – Face Grating, Sausage Rolls And The Christmas Puddle.

Thanks again guys for all the lovely comments of last week we were all chuffed to bits!

OK, onto this week and we may have an old issue of mine. I will only mention this once. Well except for the notification that we take a break but that will only be a short sentence with two dates.

I have a hair up my arse for Christmas. And I’m making a point by making this point early. The Christmas celebrations are as premature as a horny teenager using a condom before they use a condom!

Now I wasn’t always a Grinch, I used to love it but work fucked everything up. Over the last fourteen years I have worked more Christmas’s and New Years than I have ever had off and that somewhat takes the shine off of any celebrations. This year I will be off two days for both, so I should be happy but I’m not and there are two reasons.

The first is adverts, they all hump the big one. Lidl / Aldi (Is there any difference) have one with ‘Kevin’ the carrot. I want to grate Kevin’s face and make him into fucking soup!

We also have sentimental shit, politically correct crap, the celebration of all types of relationships and the usual homage to the common people.

It’s all bollocks and in a way I wish I was religious as I’d be outraged that there is no mention of the baby Jebus (Yep, I just ripped off ‘The Simpsons) anywhere.

At least Greggs (A bakers whose savoury pastries are legendary – Fuck knows why!) had the balls to tie their product in with the wee messiah. On their calender, they depicted the kid-on kid as one of their sausage rolls. A lot of people complained as they didn’t think this was fitting for the Christ Pastry. A GREGGS SAUSAGE ROLL IS NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH.

And my second reason has some writing content and also is a huge bugbear – Sodding Christmas Films. They are fucking romantic stories dressed up with snow. They have the usual riveting plot line of a will they / won’t they scenario followed by a misunderstanding and then the final revelation of them getting together.

Well it’s either that or some sick kid that gets better and everyone mentions a miracle. The biggest miracle is how anyone watches this shite.

There are only three Christmas films worth watching and they are ‘Scrooged’, ‘Bad Santa’ and ‘Die Hard’

Nothing says more about Christmas than animal cruelty, neglected children and mayhem? (I censored my line regarding nipples, anal fixation and fucked up feet.)

No more about the dreaded ‘C’ word and onto our stories.

 

We only had one new writer this week, a couple returning after a while and a seasoned campaigner. Our stories included topics such as an attraction, a futuristic pub, retail, and some strange siblings. As always our initial comments follow.

Monday began the week as it always does. Well that is unless you work where I do as our week starts on a Sunday. This causes conflict with me being the religious soul that I am!

Nick Sweeney’s third story ‘ Bookselling Blues‘ got us rolling.

‘There are a lot of great lines and amusing moments.’

‘Well observed and identifiable.’

‘I enjoyed this. Although I felt a bit sad for the main character.’

 

Michael Grant Smith also had his third story published. He was next up with ‘The Lesser Crime‘.

‘This was very visible and the dark menace was very clear.’

‘Michael painted a brilliant picture. The pub was vivid.’

‘Enjoyable and readable.’

On Wednesday, the legend that is Mr Fred Foote broke the back of the week. He has now been published thirty five times. ‘Different‘ was his latest offering.

‘Chilling and so well observed.’

‘This reminded me of something biblical mashed up with ‘The Angel Gang’ from ‘Judge Dredd’. Not two subjects that you would think could work! But they do!!’

‘As with much of Fred’s’ work, you can find something new every-time you read it!’

 

We showcased our new writer on Thursday. We welcome Daniel Olivieri and hope that he sends us more work very soon.

‘Rounds Forty-Four Through Forty-Eight Of A Game I Made Up’ was his first story for us.

‘Sad! Any one-way infatuation will, by its very nature, never work.’

‘Very poignant.’

‘Devastating. The pain, the longing and the horrible truth of it.’

 

That brings us to Friday and Martyn Clayton. This was his seventh story for us. ‘Special Knowledge’ finished off the week.

‘I was held to the end. The main character was very well drawn.’

‘I thought we should have felt sorry for him but Martyn unravelled these thoughts until we realised that he maybe got what he deserved.

‘The MC’s revelations that the girl’s problems were not his responsibility was worrying.’

 

So that’s another week done and dusted.

Sorry but I lied about the ‘C’ word!

I reckon I have an idea for a Christmas advert. It involves one of those wee kids who need to walk a thousand miles a day to fill up their water thimble from the puddle. It would be one of those sponsorship numbers and at the end of the advert you see what your £2 has done.

The kid now has trainers on. I am not going down the tasteless road that says that they will get to the puddle quicker, that wouldn’t be very Christmassy.

The kid still walks to the puddle but instead of filling up the family thimble, they jump and splash in the puddle as kids do. When they get back home you’re advised that your £2 hasn’t just bought them the trainers, it has also helped to pipe in their own puddle. The sound track would be Handles Water Music incorporated with a Rap by Kanye. (There wouldn’t be a dry eye in the house.)

Hugh

4 thoughts on “Week 151 – Face Grating, Sausage Rolls And The Christmas Puddle.

  1. We have Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Tech Tuesday. Besos has passed a hundred billion, yet he is a Magi who only looks to the east when a mirror lies in that direction. I can’t hate Christmas with the same energy because it has exhausted all methods of offence. Heckling the thing is as redundant as leaving the lights up all year. Ghetto Santa knows this, that’s why she has gone on an apple wine and mescaline bender and shan’t dry out till spring.

    Like

    • Drying out for Spring is over-rated!
      You are probably right about slagging off Christmas. But most who are able to enjoy it have the money and the time. I’m probably a bit jealous of both!!!
      Thanks as always Leila. I’m quite sure your posts will inspire as much as your stories entertain. Or should that be: I’m quite sure your post will entertain as much as your stories inspire??
      Probably both!!!
      Hugh

      Liked by 1 person

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