“Call to order – case number five hundred and thirty three.”
“Good morning, please state your name.”
“Aye lad, it’s a grand mornin’. Ernest ‘igginthorpe yur wurship.”
“I’m not a Judge Mr Higginthorpe. Please address me as Sir.”
“Aye lad, right y’ are.”
“Mr Blunt, could you ask your client not to address the bench as ‘Lad.’”
“Now then Mr Higginthorpe do you understand the charge against you.”
“Aye lad I do.”
“Mr Higginthorpe do you think you could see your way to addressing me as Sir. Could we agree on that.”
“Aye, aye lad – Sir it is.”
“Your current address if you would.”
“Thirty one Church Cottages.”
“That would be the retirement community I believe?”
“Aye, them ticky tacky boxes up where Althorpe’s Mill used to stand. Barely room to swing a cat.”
“Yes, well that’s as it may be and is not the issue before us today. You are here to answer a charge of public indecency and lewd behaviour. How do you plead?”
“Well I don’t know lad, I mean really, were it really lewd. If yon lass ‘andn’t appened by, in her silly little car there’d a been no ‘arm done now would there?”
“By yon lass I assume you are referring to Police Constable Braithwaite.”
“Aye, oh so’s she’s a Braithwaite is she? Reckon I knew her granny she were another as couldn’t mind ‘er own business an’ all. Pokin’ ‘er beak in where it didn’t concern ‘er. Known for it she were.”
“Mr Higginthorpe please keep your comments to yourself and simply answer the questions put to you.”
“Aye, right ho lad. As you were.”
“Now, the charge reads that you were seen by Constable Braithwaite in the High Cliff reservoir in a state of undress, cavorting with another person. It may be best if you simply tell me exactly what happened?”
““Aye lad. It were a luvly day and me and our Marian went up t’reservoir . We’ve been goin’ there nigh on fifty year now an’ it’s about t’only place as is unspoiled being as not so many folks go up there with it bein’ a bit of an ‘ike.
“Anyroad, our Marian sez to me, ‘Eh, our Ernest we’ve bin cummin’ ‘ere some years now.’
“We ave I sez.”
‘Ernest sez she, ain’t it queer ‘ow you never feel any older inside? I mean ya look in t’looking glass and there’s all them wrinkles and sags and then you come somewhere like this and you could be sixteen agen.’
“Aye lass that’s true.”“
“An’ that were it lad, she starts unfastenin’ ‘er frock and grinnin’ at me and so on and I thought, well there’s a bit of a stiff breeze but, why not.”“
“So, it was your wife who instigated the nakedness?”
“Well, I don’t know about no instigrat… whatever you sed but it were our Marian who took ‘er stuff off first and then I did, just to keep ‘er ‘appy as it were.”
“So, you then proceeded to swim naked in the reservoir.”
“Well, it were more splashin’ about than swimmin’ never been much of a swimmer ‘asn’t Marian but eh lad it were just a bit of fun.”
“Mr Higginthorpe it seems to me that your behaviour was indeed lewd and indecent.”
“Well, I dun’t know about that lad. When ya get to our age, knocking on an’ mindin’ trams you have little enough in life and I don’t reckon there were owt indecent – it were nobbut a bit a skinny dippin.”
“Is your wife, erm Mrs Marion Higginthorpe not in court today?”
“No lad, she’s not. She’s up in t’churchyard.”
“Oh, we were not informed. Please accept my condolences, I didn’t realize your wife had passed on.”
“Passed on? Oh I see. No, she’s not brown bread, bless yer ‘eart. No, she’s found a spot up behind that big marble mausoleum, proper little sun trap she sez and she’s up there getting her bit’s brown.”
“Mr Higginthorpe am I to understand that your wife is presently sunbathing naked in the churchyard rather than attending her summons in court. Is she not aware of the difficulties she is calling down upon herself?”
“Oh, don’t be upset lad. She’s not daft our Marian. No, she’ll be fine. She’s wearing factor fifteen and nipple cream, if you’ll excuse me your worship sir. No, she’ll be fine.”
Banner image : Alexander P Kapp [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Steep Lane Baptist Church, Sowerby, Graveyard.
19 thoughts on “Sky Clad by Diane M Dickson”
I needed a Friday laugh and you provided it here Diane – lovely stuff!
thanks Nik – happy I gave you a Friday laugh
A fun and light-hearted read for sure. Thanks for the smiles, Diane! 🙂
ATVB my friend
Thanks Tobias I’m glad you enjoyed it
Hooray for a lovely story. Thank you, Missus. xxx 🙂
Glad I gave you smile Fran – thank you for the feedback
Wonderful story! I can’t stop smiling! June
So happy I gave you a smile
You’re welcome a bit of levity on a Friday is always welcome I think.
Nice one Diane! Age should be no barrier!!
Thanks Richard – they do say you get old when you stop doing things rather than you stop doing things because you get old so I guess this old chap is forever young !!! 🙂
Hi Diane, all of the above comments apply. Any of our wee antique folks who are mischievous and rebellious are a joy to meet. You have let us read about one who I would just love to go out for a pint with.
Funny and heart-warming!!
Thanks Hugh – I rather liked him myself!! 🙂
I loved this! Could picture the whole thing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you so much.
Been five and a half years since the last bit of laudatory graffiti was left on these walls. But this piece holds up just fine. Such a lovable slob, this guy.
Fun story. An older friend of mine is President of “Naked Iconoclasts Fighting The Yoke,” or “NIFTY.” (It’s on Facebook!) He’s 71 now, fits the description of the fellow above but with a different accent and vernacular, and this story reminded me of him.
Excellent – I knew that they were out there!!