Category: Humour

All Stories, Humour

Smile if you’re not wearing knickers by Peter Arscott

literallystories2014

I was pleased the butcher knew my face.

For months I’ve been coming here, wanting him to look at me, to really look at me, watching the sinews in his forearm tighten with each effortless chop of the cleaver as it neatly parts a chicken’s neck from its body, or a pink cutlet from half a ribcage. He carries himself with such grace, his every move unhurried, as if the world outside, with its fuss and hurly burly, is of no concern to a man who functions by his own imperatives, and in his own time.

Continue reading “Smile if you’re not wearing knickers by Peter Arscott” →
All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

Market Place by Hugh Cron – Adult Content

literallystories2014

“Hey there pretty lady, lookin’ good!”

“Hi Chris, didn’t expect to see you here. Alone and on a school night!!”

“What the fuck, I needed a drink! And I really don’t give a shit about the job, so, so what if I go in half-mangled…What about you? Waiting for someone?”

Continue reading “Market Place by Hugh Cron – Adult Content” →
All Stories, Editor Picks, General Fiction, Humour, Latest News, Short Fiction

Week 560: A New Year Begins

ireneallison12

A Kvetch

We have now officially opened the twelfth year of Literally Stories UK. And as it goes in life we have faced a recent challenge after we were listed (unbeknownst to us) by one of those publications that do such things. I do not know why such services still exist in the era of Google, nor do I grasp why people rely on such services, but the situation exists.

Continue reading “Week 560: A New Year Begins” →
All Stories, Humour

European Dishwasher Stacking Championship by Michael Smith

literallystories2014

This year’s competition, held in Zurich, will see strong challenges from the Eastern European bloc, hoping to break the Scandinavian dominance of recent years. However, three time champion, Roine Svensson, remains the bookies’ firm favourite to retain his title. Dimitri Zitesev, head of the Bulgarian delegation, was adamant however, “Our men have been training all year for this event. We are very confident.” Despite the dark cloud that hangs over their participation, Zitesev insists, “the doping allegations have not distracted us from our goal.”

Continue reading “European Dishwasher Stacking Championship by Michael Smith” →
All Stories, Editor Picks, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction

Week 555: Controlling Enthusiasm

ireneallison12

I have decided to cut down on my use of the exclamation mark. I have often used it as a shortcut to fake a sense of goodwill that I do not usually feel–or at not least up to the degree implied by an exclamation mark. There’s a stink on an exclamation mark, for me it reeks of perkiness and whatever potion lurks in Kathy Lee Gifford’s coffee cup. (You’ll probably have to be an American of a certain age to get that last bit. If not, lucky day: something to google.)

Continue reading “Week 555: Controlling Enthusiasm” →
Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

My Fair Wiccan by Leila Allison

ireneallison12

1880, Charleston Settlement, Oregon Territory

-1-

Hope was getting old. The thrill was gone, and her wiccan skills were diminishing due to her lack of enthusiasm. Oh, she could still raise a demon, but they were low rent, stereotypical evil and talked too much; most tended to live in the past with little thought given the future. And she could still impress the hell out of the feeble-minded, but public schooling was cutting into the ignorance she had so long depended on. Educated people tend to ask questions. They see a three-headed frog and attribute it to science instead of witchcraft. Bastards.

Continue reading “My Fair Wiccan by Leila Allison” →
Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

And a Geep Shall Lead Them by Leila Allison

ireneallison12

-1-

Enter the Adverb Queen

Daisy trotted into my office then up the small critter ramp that runs from the floor to my desktop (Cats ignore it, they’d rather leap up and give me a heart attack). She began speaking without a preamble.

Continue reading “And a Geep Shall Lead Them by Leila Allison” →
All Stories, Humour

Heir by Sam Graveney

literallystories2014

Samuel Waggoner never used his own products. People admired that about him; Waggoner’s Wigs were so good, had he used them, no one would ever have known. An Australian, he fought in Vietnam and emerged from the jungles with a secret ingredient that turned dried-out hair from barbers’ floors into manes which shone like honey and lasted and lasted. He built a wig empire, became a rich man, he married a stage actress, Harriet, for love, he bought a big house outside Darwin. He was totally bald.

Continue reading “Heir by Sam Graveney” →
Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

Rock and Roll Lamb School 666 by Leila Allison

ireneallison12

-1-

Obnoxious is What Obnoxious Does appears to be the student motto at The Lamb School of Saragun Springs. A superior percentage of the juvenile Ewes and Rams at Lamb School are spoiled, mouthy brats who show no appreciation for their homeland. You can tell them that if they were born anywhere else but Saragun Springs, they would neither talk nor think beyond the undemanding standards nature has set for Sheep, and they will laugh at you. And dare toss the prospect of New Zealand at them, they merely fake a yawn and launch into a new groundless complaint to counter your empty threat.

Continue reading “Rock and Roll Lamb School 666 by Leila Allison” →
All Stories, Humour

The VW Starter Motor Catastrophe by Michael Bloor

literallystories2014

Drummossie, Aberdeenshire – January, 1976.

Because I couldn’t afford the necessary welding repairs to my Morris van til the end of the month, I was getting a daily lift into Aberdeen, with my friend and neighbour, Stewart. Aberdeenshire is the cold shoulder of Scotland and it was a hard winter. Normally, if you’re getting a lift into work, it would be churlish to object to push-starting your friend’s car. But, in a week of snow and ice, push-starting a VW beetle first thing in the morning involves a major (nay, crippling) effort. So, come Friday, I was pleading with Stewart: we would have to replace his starter motor that weekend. Stewart readily agreed, little knowing the pain and humiliation that would ensue.

Continue reading “The VW Starter Motor Catastrophe by Michael Bloor” →