Here we are at Week 550!
Before I start…R.I.P Ricky Hatton and Robert Redford!!!
Both were legends in their own right!
So much floating about my head this week. I’ll share a line that I may still use in a story – ‘…He looked like a predator – Not a paedo cunt, one of those beasties in the film that fought the alien…Whit a fore-heid the man had on him!’ (Actually it was a lady!)
The next thing was, I was cursing and swearing and wanting to kill people as usual when the adverts came on. There was a promotion for some supermarket that stated they were giving you a free hot drink with your breakfast or whatever the fuck it was. The thing is, if they got their way, they would throw you a tea-bag and point to a hot water faucet, and they would tell you to knock yourself out.
Have I mentioned before (Of course I have!) that those influencer fuckwits are just advertising whores who need to be exterminated. (I thought The Daleks were quite cuddly, warm and a wee bit misunderstood!)
It was a well known fact that the legend that was Tommy Cooper would slip something into a Taxi Driver’s pocket whilst saying, ‘Have a drink on me.’ When the driver looked, hoping for a tenner, he found a Tea-Bag.
The other week there, we had the alarm through your phone thing. It doesn’t concern me but Gwen has a mobile. It did make me think, what the fuck was the point.
…Oh look a Tsunami / Volcano / Meteorite is going to ‘…happen in five minutes’ That will give me enough time to put my head between my knees and kiss my arsehole ‘Goodbye’
…What is that you say, ‘We will be delighted to know that all heads of state and politicians will be safe as they knew about this last Wednesday!’
Now this section may need a wee bit of a swearing warning. Some would say I have a potty mouth. Fuck that into cunting profanity kingdom, I have a Scottish mouth. It’s in us. The blood that flows is proud and profane and there are certain topics that bring out the best of the profanity. It’s different for every Scotsman but it’s there. Those Rangers / Celtic bastards. Those royalists / royalist hating…To be fair, a lot of the times that can go back to the last topic. Those who love ‘The Proclaimers’ to the one or two of us who are sensible. Those who hate the English and the others who are sensible in realising that a cunt is a fucking cunt no matter where they were born. Those who love Haggis and those who don’t. I could go on…
But me, to get my blood pumping and having to refrain from every part of me that wants to kill…I give you South Ayrshire Council!!!
…Sad thing is, they are the cunts that have hired me again, (I think) I fucking judge them on that!!
I took them to council (As far as I could as an employee) for them being cunts.
Anyhow – Gwen came home after a night-shift on Saturday morning and she asked me where our bins were. I checked the bed just in case I was sleep-walking and had THAT dream again and stated that I didn’t know.
We had our bins nicked. There are wee fuds around here who think that stealing bins, taking them to the park and setting them on fire is a bit of a laugh. They are the ‘Gemmies’ of their generation!
I swear on a bottle of Bacardi, I will think the same if I get my hands on them, no matter what their fucking age. ‘Thirteen year old set on fire’ would be something for my scrap-book.
But that is sod all to do with the aftermath and fucking SAC. We called, told them what had happened and they advised that we would need to wait up to ten days for a replacement bin. Gwen very calmly asked what would we do with our rubbish and was told that we should keep it until we received our bin. She asked if we put out black bags with our rubbish, would they be lifted and she was told that wouldn’t happen.
I am thinking of taking all the cat shit plus and sitting it beside the door of the first council building that is nearest to me. I wonder how long it will be before they identify me???
…If Leila does the next six or so postings, you’ll know!!
Okay onto this week’s stories.
Our writers this week have amassed an impressive 283 (??) stories between them!!
For the first time in a while we had no new writers this week, just one returner and a few folks who know all too well what it’s all about!!! (ALFIE!!! Cilla Black was fucking awful)
As always, our initial comments follow.
First up on Monday we had the wonderful Fred Foote. I’m sure we have mentioned before that Fred now has 100 accepted stories, numbers ninety five to one hundred will be published around Christmas / New Year.
‘Blue-Black’ got us up and running!
‘I kinda liked this!’
‘Excellent style.’
‘Fred always judges his delivery perfectly.’
There are no words for the contribution that Leila continues to give to the site. There is a wonderful devilment in her and she’s a very knowledgable and skilled lady of her craft!!!!! Leila is also a champion for the writers, so please make sure that you appreciate her!!!!!
For, I think, (???) the one hundred and thirty sixth time we were privileged to have one of her stories adorn the site! ‘And A Geep Shall lead Them’ was published on Tuesday!
‘I love the tickling torture.’
‘No hesitation with this!’
‘Brilliant!’
David Calcutt returned to the site with his second offering which was entitled, ‘The Witch House.’
‘David has created an eeriness that many have tried for but few have succeeded.’
‘Excellent tone.’
‘This was that bit different that we’re always on the look-out for.’
I have no problems in saying this once again…One of my favourite writers that we have been lucky enough to work with was published on Thursday for the thirty sixth time!
I give you Dave Henson with, ‘Say It With Flowers.’
‘Odd and weird as only Dave can do brilliantly!!’
‘Reminds of ‘Tales Of The Unexpected.’
‘The floral arrangements and weirdness works for me.’
And we finished off with Amy. Or her more proper sounding, A. Elizabeth Herting!
‘Brains’ was story number eleven for this very talented lady!
‘I liked this with the parody of Zombie stories (Which we hate, so you did well!!!!) and ‘The Great Gatsby’
‘The timed shock reveal was done very well.’
‘We know the work that Amy put into this.’
That’s us for another week folks. Do as you are doing and keep the site alive!!!!!!
I’ve been getting some excessive eggs lately and very nice they have been. Give me a bit of time with this one, there is a point here and a tie in somewhere.
…I think!!
An old gaffer of mine whose son had began Free Range Chicken Farming, asked if I could do something with the eggs. I said, ‘If you want, I’ll make Advocaat with the yolks and I’ll use the whites to make Meringues’.
That was the plan. He watched me as I piped the Meringues and he gave me the biggest compliment ever. He said, ‘You are good at that. I know that you are good at that as you make it look so easy…Give me a shot!’
I did, and after a fair old mess he said, ‘Bastard!!!’ (You must stop squeezing and you ‘cut’ the meringue with the nozzle)
Now this is probably the worst link to the next clip. But look at it. That was all he needed to do. But anyone, try it. I reckon even for professionals the percentage rate of getting this right is minimal…For us mere mortals, we would have no chance. Big Eric kicked that ball exactly where it had to go. Check out his manager (Alex Ferguson’s face) and also the England Number One Goal Keeper at the time!!!
Mr ‘Ooo Ahhh’…made this look so easy!!!!!!!!!
I have a joke……..
Now I checked with Diane and Leila and they thought I should go for it.
I told this joke in the pub and was looked at in a strange way. I reckon my audience was twenty or so years too young – That made me realise that jokes and social history have a relationship. Anyhow, don’t read if you are a snowflake who looks things up!!!!
A pregnant lady sought out some Thalidomide to take. When asked why she was doing that she stated, ‘I can’t knit sleeves.’
To finish, I’m not even sure that Ed knows that his latest story has been accepted, but the title reminded me of this – Whit a voice – Whit a performance – ‘Mr Bojangles’ is still the best but this is up there for a vocal performance!!!
Image: A line of very jolly wheelie bins from Pixabay.com
literally stories 
Hugh
Oh you need to deliver those bags to the yards of the people who tell you to hold them. Love that joke still, probably means hell for me–how that would be a surprise!
Sammy was something else. He always looked on the verge of death from about the age of fifty on, and yet he still poured energy. Did he even weigh a hundred pounds?
That line you have should appear in a story. She/it sounds like on of those “Spitting Image” cuties we were discussing behind the walls the other day.
And thank you for your kind comments about my story. An amazing group of people to be mixed in with this week.
Yes, yes, a garbage delivery is the way to go!
Leila
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Thanks as always Leila for the kind words.
I was just thinking, if my life was a bag of Jelly Babies, would I have anything to rant about?? Could I have written as much or would I be too busy crocheting and drinking Very Milky Coffee. (And if anyone is correcting that – Making Coffee with milk was called ‘Milky Coffee’ before a Latte or whatever the fuck that bland beige shite is called!!
Oh, I think I’m happy now, I probably could still have the odd fanging!!!
Give The Fur Hats an ear tickle for me!
Hugh
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Is it ok to admit I laughed at that joke?! I hadn’t heard Ricky Hatton died. RIP. He was so ferocious in the ring. Sammy Davis also has an excellent rendition of Gonna Build Me Mountain.
Thanks for the kind words.
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Hi Dave,
Of course you can laugh… I’m glad you did!!
The way that I look at jokes is simple (No surprise there!) The sad thing isn’t the content, the sad thing is that the circumstances happen and we do need to do something to try and get our head around them. I was always interested to read about what jokes are inappropriate. When you think on how many jokes are about some form of murder, not really sure that anything can be called inappropriate when we are willing to laugh at one of the most heinous things that a human can do to another.
Thanks as always my fine friend.
It was brilliant to see you having another day in the sun today.
Hugh
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Hugh
A feast of furious “Hugh” language today brightens up the morning once again! The whirlwind energy of your words stirs the pot and you never take things lying down, and those two items together turn you into the formidable Writer-Editor or Editor-Writer you so manifestly are! You have the ability to express unique thoughts with gusto. The thoughts have to come first, but then there needs to be the language to give them form and shape. Some people have the first part, you have both, and most people have neither, which is why Leila’s judge calls them all dolts!
Gotta run for now, my cousin and her son are visiting from out of town. Thanks for another excellent weekly affirmation in the inimitable style of Hugh, as well as Sammy, another inspirational figure bursting with energy.
“Energy is all.” – William Blake
Dale
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Thanks as always Dale for your generous and kind words!!!
Much appreciated!!!
I’m glad you enjoyed the clip. I have a list of around a hundred that I want to post but the problem is when I hear something that I’ve forgotten about, that ends up on the never-ending list!!
As I’m typing this today, I hope you had a great time with your family yesterday!!
Look after you and yours!
Hugh
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Oh Hugh,
I loved this week’s stories and have no egg experiences. Haggis? I made Shepperd’s Pie every St Pat’s Day for my wife to take to work. Why me? One year she says, “They want Haggis.” “I know nothing from Haggis,” says me.
I made it with chicken guts, salt, and spud spread. What do I know? Anyway, she drops it all over the kitchen floor in the morning. Thank god it’s the haggis, I’m thinking, scoop it up, and say, “Don’t say anything. We’re good.”
And we were. — gerry
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Hi Gerry,
You can drop Haggis on the floor and it just looks the same!! (Trifles can also be scrapped back into the bowl!!!!!)
I may be biased but I find it delicious. Either served traditionally with neeps and tatties or spread on hot buttered toast with a splash of vinegar. A batter can be put over it and then deep fried.
It can be served with a cream whisky sauce or for a wee bit more decadence, make the sauce from Drambuie!
It also goes well with a poached egg!!!
Oh, some folks like it as a Lasagne or in Ravioli!!
Thanks so much Gerry for all your involvement in the site!!
Take care.
Hugh
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Hugh,
A pleasure! — gerry
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Hi Hugh
Funny stuff written with some wild eyed energy!
I hate the adverts too! Screw those damn teabags. Nothing makes me madder! lol. Except my Trump loving neighbors! This is when I borrow all your cuss words and tell them to stick it! lol
Good times in dark days.
Christopher
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Hi Christopher,
What folks who have strong political beliefs should realise that no matter what anyone else says, it shouldn’t matter to them.
I hate all politicians more and more and if anyone argues with me, there is nothing that they can say that will bother me as I have no affiliation for any of them. However I reckon I have pushed a few buttons!!!
In saying that, it is maybe just my irritating demeanour!!!!
Thanks as always, glad to see you around!!!
Hugh
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Another Hugh rant and as the others, great fun. I hope your bin problem gets sorted quickly. They called up a lot of the celebrities this week it seems to me. Thanks for another roundup – dd
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Thanks as always Diane.
No sign of any bins yet!! Just glad they never took the glass bottle one!!!!
With celebrities (Real ones that is) you get a feeling when things are going to happen – It’s normally when you haven’t heard anything about them for six months or so!!
All my best to you and Ian!!!
Hugh
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Always enjoy your incredible, quite possibly innate, skill and penchant for expletive use. Great week of stories too.
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Hi Paul,
Thanks so much for the comments, much appreciated!!
I always think back to me moving to Secondary School and becoming friends with three guys who came from a different area and therefore a different Primary School and every one of them said the same thing – They hadn’t heard anyone swear until they attended Secondary!!
Not that I’m blaming my school but when I think on it, I had never heard any of my family swear accept my sister who went to the same schools.
My schools maybe weren’t the most academic but I did come out with a diploma on life!!!! (That involves knowing what a kick to the testicles feels like, a punch in the face and with the added bonus of learning to throw a punch!!)
Hope all is well with you and yours my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh, I was away for 10 days and missed a bunch of writings– so I am just catching up and I’m glad yours was the first I read this morning I am literally laughing out loud – nice homecoming. Sorry for your misery but it does make good copy. I wish I could swear like a Scotsman – it might save me a lot of trouble.
PS also appreciate the Sammy Davis Jr.
my best, Maria
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Hi Maria,
The good thing is I’m used to The Misery! I’ve had 58 years of it!!!
You can’t teach swearing, it has to be natural and with emotion…That emotion being pure fury!!!
…Or disdain.
…Or ironically.
…Or with acceptance.
…But mainly fury!!!!!!
Thanks so much for your comments, much appreciated!!!
Hugh
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