“Linda, I’ve something to tell you,”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve got a new boyfriend.”
“Good for you! It’s about fucking time! Has he poked the cobwebs away? Or was it too closed up?”
“Shut it! But, aye and then some!”
“Ooowww!! Good for you! It’s been, what, three years since Chris?
…Well tell me all about him.”
“His name is Ailen”
“Alan?”
“No! Ailen”
“Alien”
“No Ailen…It’s pronounced Ai as in ‘ale’ and then…‘len’…Ailen”
“Whit?”
“Look, I hope you can support me on this.”
“Shit, he’s no married is he?”
“No”
“Awww Janice, he’s no a Nigerian Prince?”
“No.”
“Well, tell me!”
“The Ai part of his name is is for AI as in artificial intelligence.”
“Whit?”
“I have an AI boyfriend. There is this firm, like a dating agency that you can contact and they set you up with your perfect man.”
“Fuck off!”
“I’m serious.”
“You having a laugh? Please tell me you’re joking.”
“No, I’m not. You should see him, he’s gorgeous!”
“But he’s no real.”
“He is to me!”
“But he’s no!”
“I don’t care, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Thing is the operative word!”
“Don’t call him that, I’ve never slagged off any of the mutants that you’ve been with.”
“…True…I have been with some mutants.”
“And I supported you.”
“You did. I’m sorry, it’s just hard for me to get my head around this.
…
…So…Have you been out in a date?”
“No, of course not, he wants to woo me first?”
“Are you on medication?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Cause you sound fucking mental! Fuck the support when you are as mad as a bucket of badgers!”
“You’re just jealous that you ended up with Paul, I have the perfect man.”
“Paul is real, I can put my arms around him, he has a cock that I can fucking touch, what do you have??”
“That is a very personal question!”
“Fair enough, I’ve stepped over a line, let me bring it back and kid on that this is normal.
…Has it bought you anything?”
“Don’t you dare call him ‘It’!! Ailen, call him Ailen is that so difficult?!”
“Sorry, I’m being nasty…So what about the prezzies?”
“Every birthday and anniversary.”
“Anniversary?”
“He gives me something every month that we’ve been together.”
“And how does that work?”
“Ailen is very considerate. He lets me pick my own gift.”
“You mean, pick it, wrap it and fucking pay for it!”
“That’s the thoughtful part, I never get anything I don’t want. He pays, well, he reimburses me.”
“And how does that work?”
“He sends me Coians to the value.”
“Coians, what the hell is that?”
“It’s currency, well cryptocurrency.”
“So, no real?”
“Of course it’s real, I can redeem it.”
“For what, booze jewellery, clothes?”
“Yes.”
“Do you get these sent to you?”
“Not exactly as they are gifts for Ailen.”
Linda thought for a second, “Let me get this right – You pick your own gift and pay for it. You are sent this crypto shite and for that, you can only ‘buy’ updates for Ailen?”
“Updates?”
“Never-mind They were probably there anyway.”
“I’ll save them for his birthdays etc.”
“Jesus Fuck!”
“This is our three month anniversary so tonight is going to be special.”
“Okay, you’ve opened the door, so tell me how this works, how can you shag an AI man?”
“My sex life is as good as it has ever been!”
“Without me stepping over any ‘Twilight Zone’ barrier, please enlighten me?
The silence told her that Janice was deciding on whether or not to tell her. She was quite surprised when she began to talk.
“It’s very simple, he tells me what to do and I do it. I then do the same and he does the same and we both are ecstatic at the end.”
“Ecstatic?”
“Everytime – Can you say that about you and Paul?”
“You may have a point – How much does Ailen cost?”
“That’s a bit personal.”
Linda sighed, “I’m your sister, I’m just looking out for you.”
“Two grand a month.”
“Two grand – Fuckin’ hell Are you mad??”
“It’s my money and I’ll do what I want with it!”
“I love you and of course I’ll support you. Is it worth it though?”
“It’s worth every penny, for the love and companionship, I hope you understand.”
“I’ll tell you what I understand, I understand that you are not spending two grand a month for love or companionship, you are paying it for some images of robot porn and learning to masturbate!!!”
Image: Shoulder and neck of a man dressed in a suit with a white shirt and a red bow tie, from Pixabay.com
literally stories 
There is little to light up my joy at seeing a new story on LS as the words ‘by Hugh Cron (Adult Content)’ As usual, you delight and make me laugh out loud with the dialogue – I often walk away from your writing with a list of insults I hope to use in life.
This one is as hilarious as usual, but also thought-provoking as it’s probably not outlandish or distant a future, and that is scary.
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Hi Paul,
I love insults and one liners as insults.
I think my interest was peaked when I was a boy and watched ‘The Professionals’ starring Lee Marvin, the put down was something like, ‘If I’m a Bastard, I’m an accident at birth but you sir, you are a self made man!’
Another I heard as a thirteen year old in an English class and a girl was reading out one of the stories from ‘Dandelion Clocks’. A section stated that all teenage males masturbated and Jennifer Graham shouted out in a loud and happy voice – ‘Oh aye – Look at all their faces!!’ This caused much hilarity.
However another voice was raised from the embers of our humiliation. The forever now legend called Harry Jamieson cried out – ‘Aye, fair enough but looking at you Jennifer, a wank is the better alternative!!’
I have sort of collected them in my mind ever since!!
Thanks so much Paul, your continual interest in my work is much appreciated!!!
Hugh
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This adds context to the zombies who walk around with full attention on their mobile phones, completely absorbed in their cyber world. It must be horrific when the battery runs out.
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Hi James,
You may be onto something regarding this story and batteries!!
The crux of this, believe it or not was an article I read in The Daily Record a year or so ago. The AI boyfriend and the best sex that she ever had was actually quoted. The rest just fell into place!!!
Thanks so much…It’s always a treat to see you around the site!!!
We would love to see how your writing brain has evolved!!!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hugh
This is closer to real life than I want it to be. Found myself praying that Linda would punch Janice.
Then, for one shining moment, I understood the truth. The AI boyfriend is, at least, almost a something–at least more almost a something than whatever it is we pray at is. This made it clear to me that we, as a species, will keep investing our imaginations in stupid shit until the Comet comes.The Dinosaurs were imbeciles but they got along for millions of years without sex toys and the internet.
Brilliant Monday work!
Leila
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Hi Leila,
I’m sure that I told you and Diane at the time (And now James) that this was an actual article I read. I used the best sex line and the rest spoke to me.
We’ve also spoken at length regarding the ‘Keeping everyone connected’ shite that only drives more of a distance between us.
Without going in too deep, two of the most human activities is a hand-shake and an embrace. My Scottish blood refuses me to use the word ‘Cuddle’ that’s for fucking toddlers and those Devil’s Stools of romance writers!!
There was an episode of the ‘Big Bang’ where Leonard stated that he made a machine that embraced him due to the coldness of his mother. His partner said that was sad and he stated that the saddest thing was that his father borrowed it!!!
I am a rather cold, don’t touch me sort of person but even I see that we are going somewhere that will take us into no-mans-land of social and physical interaction!!
Where’s that big world destroyer when we really do need it???
Thanks as always Leila, you make me think, consider and second guess and not many can do that!!!
Hugh
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Hugh
“Cuddle,” “snuggle,” and, Jayzus wept, “canoodle” are on the Ugsome Words List that contains (along with other vexations) “tummy,” “poop,” “spooning” and “onesie.”
Your pen is a brilliant bullshit divining rod, long may it detect and destroy!
Leila
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I can only agree with what has already been said about this. Of course it is funny, because how could it not be with the dialogue that is so very recognisable and ‘Hugh’ but it is also unsettling because I fear it is already too late and we have ‘normalised’ so much that we should have booted into the far, far distance. Humans are, I’m afraid, just too ready to accept everything that we are told is new and shiny and is going to make us all happy. It isn’t, it’s not and it won’t.
A great start to the week – thank you – dd
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Hi Diane,
Very wise words!! You are one hundred percent correct. We are the Magpies to the corporate ‘Shiny, Shiny!!
I fucking hate the phrase, ‘But you need to!’
I need to digest, sleep, breathe. Everything else is actually optional and I chose to ignore a lot of it!!
I know that socially I am considered a weirdo and I quite like that. I see the rest of human kind staring at Tik-Talk or whatever else, drooling and letting their brains turn to mush. But me, as a thinking human being says, ‘If that’s what you want to do, do it – Life is all about individual choices you potential drooling fucking piece of broccoli!!! I know that when I can still attempt a crossword, you will be trying to work out how to use the fucking pen!!!!’
Is that a bit harsh????
…I did tone it down a bit!!!!
Thanks so much for all your help!!!
Hugh
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Sis resists now, but Paul better watch out. Good fun with realistic dialogue. And, sadly, already happening for real in some cases.
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Hi David,
Thanks as always, much appreciated.
I remember the first girl I ever asked out. I was a wreck. She totally but very kindly bombed me out. But do you know something, whether I was heart-broken or lust broken, I ain’t sure but what I did feel was human and proud that I had asked that question. HAH!!! I even felt happy with the rejection as I never thought I would have had the courage.
My point is with all the filtering and vetting now-a-days and then still getting it wrong takes away that brilliant feeling of courage to look someone in the eyes and simply ask!!!!
Hope all is well with you and yours my fine friend.
Hugh
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How can I put this? Fucking hilarious. I’ve just read the piece aloud to my good friend Mikey. He says “Not what I expected from AI. I feel like I’ve been fucking robbed. Lol”
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How can I pit this? Fucking hilarious.
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Excuse typos, but don’t excuse the swearwords. A touch of the James Kelmans in your piece too. Nicely done.
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Hi Gerry,
No-one ever needs to excuse swear-words.
In the words of Mr Billy Connolly – ‘Anyone can say what they want but there is no word in the English language that stir up so many different emotions than the word, ‘Fuck!’
So glad I gave you a laugh!!
All the very best my fine friend and thanks as always.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh!
Perhaps the utter boredom created by a technologized and machine-made, mass comfort society is what has driven so many people to so quickly embrace yet more of the same thing in slightly different form, therefore believing they can save themselves via none other than more of the same thing that was killing them (with boredom) in the first place!
If only a few more people would step off the treadmill The System has created and realized that we do not need newer versions of the same fake things, we need more truth and authenticity for starters!
Your ability to present a thought-provoking story and create character/s via dialogue almost seems to come from the hand of a half-mad (in a good way) playwright.
The reader can really see and feel your people based on the lively things they say to one another, whether they’re “right” or “wrong” or whether the reader ends up wondering whether they are right or wrong, or both.
This stripped-back, Bukowski-like technique of letting the characters do all the work is highly effective.
Your writing style is filled with an almost daemonic kind of whirlwind energy!
Dale
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Hi Dale,
For a long while I avoided dialogue. It was Diane and Adam (One of the original editors) who encouraged me to use it more.
When I thought on it, I realised that the best way (For me) was to write it as if I was eaves-dropping. I thought that there were too many folks who over explained what two folks talking would have already known and I think that is why the style is some-what cut-back.
What is fun though, is thinking, not writing any blanks. But that is fun when it is done in real life, so I try to keep that as true as I can.
Thanks as always my fine friend, your comments are always, interesting and thought provoking!
To be truthful, I was just happy to get something down that was accepted by Leila and Diane!! (I think I was two for three!! – Just to show that we get bombed out too!!!!)
All the very best.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
This is a wild story! And not so wild because I could see this really happening.
I liked the style of writing dialogue to capture it. Great use of language and slang. it sounded real.
The little bit of narration was powerful in its brief thoughts. I liked where it took my mind for a moment.
“The silence told her that Janice was deciding on whether or not to tell her. She was quite surprised when she began to talk.” I could hear the thoughts in that pause.
I’ve never written a story in this style, but I have seen it. Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants,” displays a lot of vocabulary. It’s a very lively way to present a story. I’m sure everyone can tackle it. They may think they can.
In your story the characters are hashing out a conflict that is based on “the what ifs” or the “what the hell is next with AI.” Very cool read! Excellent!
Christopher
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Hi Christopher,
I’m privileged (I can never spell that sodding word!!) to read your comments.
Writers, like everyone who have commented make me feel a tad humble.
Please see my comments to Dale regarding writing style – I always cut back, I never embellish… To be honest, I couldn’t! I can’t do description, I can’t do romance (Although I did write one about Fred and Rose West) I’ve done a lot less horror than I would like to, I’m not good with emotion, I have no parental bones in my body and I’m pretty shit with technology!!!
So I’m only left with what I’ve seen and heard!!!
…I think that is why I’m running out!!!!!
I like the word ‘Cool’ as I reckon my whole being, writing and what-not is cool by not being cool!!!!!
Thanks so much my fine friend!!!
Hugh
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Hugh
I like this kind of writing. It is strong and immediate.
I read your comment to Dale. It is a good alternative to over-explaining. Never want to do that anyway. I hate it when I find it in my work.
This is another example of what you can do with writing. I like what you said about eavesdropping on a conversation.
Stories are essentially conversations of some event being passed down. Everything can be said between two people without added description.
I misspoke earlier. I meant to say a lot of people may think they can write like this, but probably can’t.
I think it would be a good way to try and write a story. Instead of the same old routine.
It first struck me when I saw Hemingway doing it. So you’re in good company, unless you may not think of him as good company. lol.
Interesting on getting rejected as one of the editors. That adds a lot of credence to LS.
I also thought it was accurate on the science fiction end that seems a few robotic breaths away. And the rip off scheme of it. also on the nuts as they say. Lol.
Congrats on your story and all of the comments! We love that shit! lol
Christopher
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An acquaintance of mine with the right qualifications is studying how to put personalities into robots using the Myers Briggs scale. This may happen for real in the not so distant future, I’d think more with men than women, as children are not an option (so far) with artificial intelligence. There was a movie. “Her” which first referenced this. Indeed, it’s expensive. Currently the Japan “wife robot” manufactured in that country, costs upwards of 100,000 dollars.
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Hi Harrison,
Please beg your friend not to do it!!!!!!!
For any AI, insert a dog and cat outlook.
…That may be interesting!!!!
Thanks as always my fine friend. Look after you and yours.
Hugh
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I laughed out loud – love the dialogue!
my best, Maria
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Thanks so much Maria,
I try to avoid referring to anything I write as ‘Humour’, that is up to the reader! (Unless it is dark – I’ve done that a few times!!!!)
But if I made you laugh, you’ve made my day!!
All the very best and thanks for the read!!!
Hugh
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Hugh,
Maybe one mistake is calling it Artificial Intelligence. Is it either? Everyone I know hates it. And everyone uses it. Me? Fuck yeah. And I tell you I don’t know myself very well, how am I supposed to access a scientific advance?
I just think I’m not ready to date one, yet. But perhaps I already have. What do I know? Maybe we’re in love, jointly and severally. — gerry
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Hi Gerry,
What’s the saying about women being from Jupiter and men being from your anus???
I reckon that maybe we have all intermixed – It would explain a lot!!!!!!
I’m confused as always – We should stay that way!!!!
Stay happy and healthy my fine friend!!
Hugh
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