Week 427 – A Sir For Starters, No Bunting On My House And No Matter How Many Times That Dirge Is Changed, It Will Always Be Pure Shite. (A FUCKING HUNDRED MILLION QUID – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?)

There is no way that I’ll be watching the TV today. Nope! My Amazon music list will be playing all day. I have over three hundred songs on it, so that should see me through.

There’ll be no newspapers read by me until at least next Monday.

What I’m trying to say is that the celebrations do not apply to me and I’d rather chew off a testicle than pander to the sycophantic hoorah for the paedos’ brother.

Not even if this was the schedule…

(Times might vary)

8.00am – The celebrations will start with a Sky News Report from whatever castle that they might return to. This would involve Kay Burley asking members of the crowd, ‘Really, why the fuck are you here? In a cunning twist it will be a hanging offence if any words like ‘Wonderful’, ‘What this means to the country’, ‘It makes you proud to be British’, ‘If he does half as well as his mother’, ‘The world is watching’ and ‘What they do for tourism’ are used.

The hangings will take place straight away and Kay will be hung as well as she is a bit of a tit.

10.00am – After all the crowd have been hung due to their un-wise words, there’ll be a documentary on irony. (BBC 4 are in talks) The subjects that will have been hung will be compared to all of their ilk who were hung if they even slightly disrespected the monarchy over the centuries. Obviously, their cash, bank cards, homes and assets will be collected and handed to the paedos brother for him to do with as he wishes.

11.00am – It’s time for the big event. The paedos brother and his lovely horse will ride to the Cathedral where the marriage wrecker awaits.

The service will be conducted by Pee-Wee Herman (In hologram form). This is the paedos present to the happy couple.

After a short service, they will head to the festivities. In true monarchy fashion there’ll be few virgins sacrificed. The paedo’s brother will use his royal clout and save wee Greta. (He is always concerned with the planet) That will be the official version but there will be an unsweating prince with a big smile on his face.

Noon – They’ll arrive at Pizza hut and the staff will set up a romantic table for Greta and her suitor. They’ll feast on a banquet of Humming Birds, Wombles and David Attenborough.

1.00pm – There’ll be a concert arranged at an undisclosed location. Sam Smith and Kanye West headline.

1.20pm – Kanye and Sam’s be-heading has been scheduled for this time. A cheer is expected to be heard around the world.

1.30pm – This’ll be the main event. The paedo’s nephews sort out their differences with a wrestling match as per Oliver Reed and Alan Bates in ‘Women In Love’ The failed Marine uncle (There was a fucking surprise) will interpret the fight by the medium of contemporary dance.

The winner will have part of a wren’s foot tattooed on his penis. The loser will be put to death. (Netflix will do the documentary. The contract has already been signed)

2.00pm – More entertainment now. Chas (In hologram form) And Dave will do all the British classics, like, ‘My Old Man’s A Dustman’, ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’ (In honour of the old racist) ‘Half A Sixpence’, ‘Yeah Yeah’ and a Cliff Richard medley. They’ll finish off with a cover version of Fred Wedlock’s ‘Oldest Swinger In Town’ This will be dedicated to the talcum powder man. Him and wee Greta will strut their funky stuff.

4.00pm – It’ll now be time for the marriage wrecker to be showcased as she’ll lead the orgy. There may be no takers so it will only be herself and an electric toothbrush. It is reported that the toothbrush has already stated to Netflix that he will choose that day to go on strike in solidarity with the British Workforce. (These reports have still to be confirmed. However, other electrical appliances are also ready to strike)

4.01pm – It will all end in happiness when everyone cuts a wrist (They have already been instructed not to do this too deeply as the corgis are always fed in the morning) and drip their blood over the paedo’s mother’s grave. She will rise, kill her son…The one with her ridiculous looking headwear and she’ll be ready to rule for another seventy five years.

…In the eyes of the world, Britain will be Great again!!

If anyone…Let’s say for the sake of argument, someone called Carla, takes offence at this, remember this is a free country and there are some of us who take offence at this whole outdated, oppressive, racist, elitist institution that still has links to the dark ages!

You can bow, fawn and be overwhelmed if you want, we will leave you alone. We ask that you do the same for those of us who want to question and emphasise in whatever way that we want.

Okay, onto this week’s stories.

We had two new writers and the other folks have more than 200 stories between them. That is impressive! (Although the average is always high when a certain writer visits!)

As always, our initial comments follow.

First up was Paul Goodwin with his first story, ‘The Dog’.

We welcome Paul and hope he has fun on the site.

I would like to say, we saw Paul’s writing process and the ending he gave us is as good a ‘Turn in the road’ that any of us have ever read!!

‘This may be the wildest but best edit ever.’

‘Those last few lines change what is almost a humour story into something vastly different.’

‘Quite a shocker of an ending.’

On Tuesday we had a site stalwart, Harrison Kim.

His latest story was called, ‘In The Land Of The Salamander.’

‘Harrison has whipped up all that I hate and made me react to it – Only an excellent writer has that ability.’

‘Definitely of the moment.’

‘Some very astute comments within.’

There are no words that we have left for Tom Sheehan so all I will say is LEGEND!!

‘The Outsider’ was next up.

‘Brings back some memories.’

‘There is a real feeling to this.’

‘I could imagine the congregation on the steps all with their own opinions, pursed lips and what have you.’

On Thursday, our second new writer was showcased. ‘Purge‘ was Athena Vasquez’s first story for us. We extend Athena the same welcome!

‘Some really good lines.’

‘The tiny bites rang true.’

‘There is a believability all the way through.’

And we finished off with ‘Trains, Edith Piaf and Schizophrenia’ by Rania Hellal.

‘This caught you straight away and took you along.’

‘This was madness very well described.’

‘Gripping and enthralling!’

That’s us for another week!

Usual request – Please guys, keep on commenting. And if you’ve been commented on, a ‘Thanks’ would be nice!

Due to the first section of this posting being about the unnatural world, I’d like to mention the natural world. (Someone has to after big Dave has been eaten – Ironic isn’t it!)

A sloth would win a fight against a dolphin.

You see, a sloth can hold its breath for 40 minutes whereas a dolphin can only do so for ten. So Ned the sloth could find a dolphin (The details are irrelevant) wrap his long arms around Dick the dolphin (I think that is an arrestable offence) stick a finger in his hole (See previous brackets) and hold him under the water. Ned would then have thirty more minutes to enjoy a wee swim.

Also, you can’t have a visually cheeky crocodile. It can be sarcastic, insulting and insolent but it can’t emphasise these traits by sticking out it’s tongue.

And here we have a fucking terrible round up, circle type of ending.

…Pigs can’t look up at the sky. They are the animal of choice at that crowning thing I was talking about as their heads are bowed naturally!!!!

Hugh

Hugh

Image by Cao Hue from Pixabay  – Gold crown on a black background