“I’m fed up watching the news. Seemingly, the queen’s still dead.”
“That’s six months now and they’re still harping on about it. I can’t remember the last time I bought a paper.”
“Did you not fancy going to see her? You could have travelled to Edinburgh, you being a blue-nose in all!”
“I’ve already seen a dead queen. My old uncle Jasmine had an open casket. He had a frock on. It came as a bit of a shock to my Aunt.”
“Do you think she was a screamer?”
“Well she did a bit of screaming when she realised it was her frock.”
“No you clown! The queen?”
“…I worry about you!”
“I’m just making conversation.”
…“Turn the radio onto Planet Rock.”
“Now there’s a tune! The organ section on ‘We Won’t Get Fooled Again’ reminds me of the sixties.”
“You were only a kid, two was it?”
“I was still there. A child of the sixties!”
“Aye emphasis on ‘child’”
“That doesn’t matter, I was still there.”
“And when all those hippy chicks were getting shagged and stoned you were shitting yourself whilst chewing a Farleys Rusk. How very sixties!
And let’s be honest you are getting to the age where you will be doing the fucking same.”
“Sarky bastard.”
“…Do you think about that?”
“What?”
“Ending up in a home or whatever they call it now-a-days.”
…Probably a ‘Utopia Of Life Celebration With You As The Focus Unit’”
“Will it still smell of shit and death?”
“Of course, you need some status quo.”
“Is there a better way?”
“Not many would get that!”
“What? A better way?”
“Fuck off and stop being so literal.”
“Planet Rock’s the bollocks!! Pity about the fucking adverts though!
…Have you thought about it?”
“…Those nursing homes?”
“Aye.”
“I don’t think it will be so bad. I’ll get a feel at a young lassies arse and they’ll blame dementia when I’ll know full well what I’m doing.”
“You always were a bit of a sick fuck!
…Me, I’m dreading it. Talking to folks who don’t know what planet they’re on. Weirdos putting an Easter bonnet on you, playing drafts all day and that big ball that they role around for whatever fucking reason.”
“What the hell, meals being warm and having a clean bed.”
“The bed only stays clean until you shit it!”
“And then bath time!”
“Look at your grin!! I fucking worry about you.”
“I’m only joking! Of course I worry about it. It’s meant to be pleasant and the best option but the thing is, how the fuck can you forget about death when it’s all around you and your tea buddies start dropping one after the other. It’s like a fucking abattoir, you are just in line waiting for that fucking bolt.”
“I knew there was a sensitive side to you.”
“Of course there is.
…Do you think that they leave the old dears by themselves after they die?”
“I wouldn’t think so.”
“Fuck that scares me.”
“Why?”
“I wouldn’t get a chance to dip the good looking ones!”
Image: draughts board with pieces set up for a game.
literally stories 
Hugh
If one must, the best way to soil a bed is the way Spud did in Trainspotting. The other way is indicative of over staying the party. Six months into eternity for Liz– she now sleeps with the Plantagenets. Heard somewhere that someone is doing a fanfiction Shakespearean play in her honor. I wonder who will play Charles? Alfred E. Newman would be a great choice, if he were real. Phil lived to 99 and mum to 96. Numerology says it’s God Save the King for about twenty years. ‘Tis easier to outlive a pope than a monarch. Brilliant work as always–from the POV most of us can identify with.
Leila
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Hi Leila,
Spud stole the show in both films.
In the first, the sheets, his speed enhanced interview and when Rents first turned up at his house in the second film and saved him.
…’You ruined my life and now you’re ruining my fucking death too’ – Brilliant!!
Now the outliving thing, does that show who the Devil favours??
Thanks as always Leila!!
Hugh
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For me, this story gives the middle finger to growing old. Love it! Well done, Hugh.
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Old age is giving me the finger and the bad knees, a soft brain, …
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I hear you, Doug!
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Hi Dave,
And once you reach fifty – We all know where that middle finger of your doctor is going!!
Thanks as always for your continual support my fine friend.
Hugh
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Crap. I typed for five minutes and lost it.
Practical editor wants us to move to Sunset City (she doesn’t like the term God’s waiting room) before I lose what little mind I have left. Was not in the cradle in the sixties – drugs, sex, and rock and roll – joints, a few pills, much too little of a beautiful professor’s daughter, the Stones and Beatles replacing Elvis.
My objection to retirement homes is that they have old people there like me.
Ernie, Shelly, and Bert are having coffee. Ernie “Since I turned 65 I can’t dump anymore.” Shelly “I can’t pee but a few drops”. Bert “I dump and pee like clockwork at 8, and get up at 9.
Keep on whatever LS.
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Hi Doug,
Was the professor and their daughter both beautiful, or was it just the professor??
I think it is a good job that we had arithmetic hammered into us at school as when we get older we need to be able to count the ailments and more importantly the pills for the ailments.
I don’t think you will ever grow old Doug, you will just continue to collect wisdom!!
Thanks as always my fine friend.
For the nine months I carried you – No charge!
Nope! Mr Young still wins!!
Hugh
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Just the daughter. About collecting ..guh ..you said. drool. Hello is this Azusa? I think I lost my connections Announcer – our next record will be “Lucille” by the late screamer Richard Penniman.
Sharon off screen “Stop that and come to bed”.
“I will if I can find the stairs and crawl up.”
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Seriously, why did I get such a strong image of two aging blokes, hopped up on bar stools, nursing pints, probably their third, shootn’ the shit about society and their lives in a language that resembles English but has an underlying meaning that eludes me. Read it to the end, and I think I heard the same conversation at the pub here in Somerset last week.
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Hi Monika,
I think that’s the thing, these conversations do come around or the fears whisper to us. All we can do, under the dread is try and have a laugh about it.
Thanks so much for you taking the time to read and comment.
Hugh
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This story is awful and shames the whole site.
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Hi Carla,
Thanks so much for your comment.
I was interested to read your judgement that this story shamed the whole site – That is quite the statement. Have you read everything we have on the site?
Maybe it would have been better if it was constructive criticism that you gave but I will always respect any person’s opinion, even if I disagree with it.
I do wonder however, when you came to the conclusion that this was not to your taste (Shaming to the whole site). If it was early on, in future, I would suggest that you heed the Adult Content Warning and use your prerogative not to read on. That saves people like your good self becoming upset and throwing around snap judgements without actually thinking on the crux and deeper meaning of a story.
With respect.
Hugh Cron.
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