Week 413 – Once Were Wedding Presents, A Part Of A Half Billion Cabinet And A Wee Fellow Nervous In The Showers For A Lot Less.

Here we are at Week 413 and it’s my turn again.

Having a conversation with my mum this week brought up a sort of weird writing idea from me and that was about setting a story in a time.

I’ve written six books, sent them out hundreds of times over the years and been bombed out every single time. Not a kind word was said. Like the Murphy’s I’m not bitter.(BASTARDS!! FUCKING BASTARDS THE LOT OF THEM! HOPE THEIR NEXT SHITE IS A HEDGEHOG SHAGGING A PORCUPINE IN A BED OF NETTLES!!!)

The point (HAH!) is I wrote them so long ago that for me to even think about sending them out again, I’d need to do something about setting the time. The main reason is the lack of mentioning of mobile phones. When you think on how they have evolved over the last ten or so years, they cannot be not used within a story…Unless it is my memoirs because I still haven’t got one of those anti-social, ignorant people using devices.

I had considered starting each chapter with a line from a song of the year that the story was set in – I suppose that would work and would be fun to do but it seems a lot of work for the ripped arsehole folks to still say NO to in a higher voice.

When I was talking to my mum, we were reminiscing and I realised that a lot of references set the time line.

Winterdykes is a bad example as a lot of people are now using them because they can’t afford the lecky.

Pokers / Companion Sets.

Canteens of cutlery.

Water jugs.

The good sheets.

The good towels.

The good crockery.

Washing and re-using nappies.

That last one brought up a story about a Great Aunt who I never knew. A poker was also involved. The lady in question was a wee bit off the wall. There is probably a more PC term for her but with what I could ascertain, she was fucking nuts. She managed to stab my Great Uncle (Who I also had never met) through the shoulder with a poker. She must have been a strong wee woman. Her husband was that scared of her he slept in a separate room with the door locked and a wardrobe up against it.

But that wasn’t the main tale. The lady had a rather liberal attitude to hygiene. Her brother-in-law who went to see them one afternoon was offered a plate of soup. He accepted and as I hear, enjoyed it. The problem was that other family members told him with great delight, after the fact, that she used the same pot to, and I quote, ‘Bile the weans shitty nappies’.

That is a horrible story but using phrases like ‘Bileing nappies’, ‘Poker’, ‘Soup Pot’ and of course ‘Nuts’ puts this story at a time around 2018. (We are talking Scottish village here!!)

But here’s the point, it’s alright me giving this as a tip about time placing but the PC / Woke / Snowflake / Enraged bawbags have to have the fucking knowledge or experience to recognise the references without having to seek out sodding therapy!!!!

And last point – If you want to set a story sometime in the late 1960’s / early 1970’s, just describe shitty tasting soup.

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had two new writers, two old friends and our own amazing Leila.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up was ‘Bobby’s Shadow‘ by Des Kelly.

We have known Des from a past life and this was his thirteenth story for us.

‘Excellent tone.’

‘An interesting read.’

‘No story arch as such but you don’t need that if you have Des’s skill.’

Our first of two new writers was published on Tuesday. We welcome both of them, hope they enjoy their time on the site and as always, we hope to see more of their work.

Jay Tanji’s ‘The Camel‘ was next up.

‘Nice twist.’

‘Really clever.’

‘This is very well done.’

Mitch Toews was showcased for the ninth time on Wednesday with, ‘Piece Of My Heart.’

‘A little piece of thoughtful history.’

‘I did enjoy this, it was well done.’

‘I like how it is tinged throughout with longing.’

On Thursday we had a very tenacious writer whose determination we have all admired.

We extend the same welcome to Gil Hoy.

‘Burned Toast‘, nearly completed the week.

‘The repetition of the misery has something.’

‘It’s one of those that makes you think on why you are enjoying it!!’

‘It’s great to see Gil getting one through!!’

And we finished on Friday with our extremely talented and wonderful fellow editor, Leila Allison and The Riddle of the Billigitss.

This was story number 118 for one of the most imaginative and creative people I have ever had the pleasure to know!!

‘There be a ‘Hammy Dodger!!!’

‘I love the breathalyser for reality checks!’

‘The images Leila paints with her words are outstanding.’

That’s the round up well and truly rounded up…Well, not really, I’ve still some pish to type!!

Before I give you a listen to some terribly brilliant music, I have a new section, sadly, it isn’t really, as these types of issues have come up on a few of my postings but for today let’s call the next section:

HOW MUCH FUCKING MONEY DO THESE GREEDY CUNTS NEED??

We have an ex Chancellor who has stated that it was an oversight on his part that made him omit the tax aspect of a single deal that brought him in £27,000,000.

If we even forget that the Chancellor is in charge of all the Governments tax departments and he states that he forgot to pay the fucking thing… And we forget the money that he already has, (I’m too depressed to look…But I have for the title) this was a payment for a SINGLE deal. To be honest, I have no problem with anyone making that type of money (Although I reckon that all my family past and present in all their lifetimes will never have got close to that type of wealth!!) but these are the wank-stains that are giving out pennies to the poorest and telling them they have to learn how to cook and budget.

I can’t express strongly enough my contempt for these over-privileged fuckwits.

But they aren’t the worst – It is the idiots who are in the same boat as all of my family in all of their lifetimes who still vote for these fuckers!!

Last word on this, the famous Jockey, Lester Piggott was sentenced to three years for 3.2 million tax evasion but this wasn’t an oversight and neither was that tory bastard’s!!!

Okay, I’ll calm down by drinking some K Cider and with that terrible, appalling, embarrassing link, I give you ‘The Wurzels’!!!

Hugh