For my sister Tracy – Happy birthday and I know that your mind will be elsewhere. Hope this cheers you up a wee tad.
He caught his reflection before he went into the pub. His hair was straggly but he knew that he carried it off. His build was slender and he admired the simple white shirt that he had purchased from ‘Big Ed’s’ when he had holidayed in Toronto a few years back.
He walked proud with a slight limp into the pub. He knew immediately who he wanted to speak to.
He smiled and sat down next to a big guy who had shunned the candled booths.
‘I’m drawn to you.’
‘I should think so, I’m a delight!”
“Would you like a drink?”
“Yes, that would be lovely. I’ll put on some music? Do you like Anita Ward?”
“Not ‘Knock On Wood’ if you don’t mind.”
He looked a bit disappointed, “…Oh, I hoped you would have enjoyed getting some wood.”
“I do, depending.”
“Thank God, I could tell! Sorry, I’m Franky.” He threw himself back on his chair, it moaned under his weight.
“I know. I’m Jesus.”
He laughed, “Really, the real Jesus.”
“Yes. I’m holy.”
He held out his hands.
“Oh shit, sorry about the wood reference!”
“Don’t be. I like thinking about your wood. It’s true, they hung me higher than a Masai on a pogo stick but it is well documented that I forgave them.”
“Did you honestly?”
“Did I fuck, mankind cunts!”
“So, you are…”
“Gay, dead and resurrected? Yes! I’m just like you in a way.”
“How did you know who I am?”
“Jesus!? I’m fucking Jesus! And you could be too big boy.”
Franky wasn’t that surprised. He’d frequented these bars for a long time and come across weirder.
“How did you know that I’m gay?”
“Well for a start, the pub is called ‘The Loob’, you are drinking a Gibson and you’ve plumped up the cushions. Attention to soft furnishings is a give-a-way. And apart from that, I know everything.”
“Sit down. Please let me buy the drinks. It’s not often I get to treat the son of God.”
Jesus sat across from him, “I’m a cheap date, just get a jug of water…And I’ll put the music on.”
Franky went to the bar and asked for a jug of water and two glasses. Keith the barman shook his head when he offered to pay. He had a soft spot for Franky as they had had an interesting threesome with someone who looked like Gru with a wig on. He couldn’t quite remember as he was Poppered out his head and drunk on Absinthe but he thought that the bloke had been called Terry or something similar. Keith was a bit puzzled when the water changed colour.
Jesus never moved from his seat but ‘Devil Woman’ began to play.
Franky put the jug and glasses down and poured them a drink.
“To you Jesus, thank you very much.”
“Oh Bobby’s next.”
Franky blushed, “Ok! But I was going to finish my drink first!”
“You are a little tease! I mean…”
‘The Rivers Of Babylon’ was next to play.
“Ah. I see,”
“Tell me something about you, you know, Franky the person.”
Franky took a delicate sip.
“Why don’t you go first…Tell me all the bible gossip.”
Jesus thought for a second.
“God, sorry, My Father is a cunt. Moses was a boring old prick, Commandment this, Commandment that and if I heard the parting of the sea story one more time, I was going to bite him. Mary Magdeline was an anorexic bitch. She was six months dead before she reached her target weight. And fucking Noah, what an exaggerator. He had a rowing boat, a budgie and a snail. He ended up by himself as the bird ate the snail and he ate the fucking budgie.”
“That’s a bit enlightening…Does your dad know you’re gay?”
“So that is what you really wanted to know!”
Franky lowered his humongous cranium, “Yes.”
“Of course. It was him that showed me.”
“Is that why you call him a cunt?”
“Not really, I enjoyed it. He’s a hermaphrodite.”
“…Emm, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be daft. He wanted the best of both worlds, but he is a hypocrite. He gets all the pleasure from some flap fun but no on the rag for my dad!”
“Did you have a choice?”
“What, with his parts?”
“No…But now that you ask.”
“Nope I got a todgering.”
“And what about you?”
“…Ah…I see…you mean where did I put it?”
“Both, but as I said, it was him who showed me. He showed me what I enjoyed and the alternative.”
“Emm…That was very Christian of him. Did it effect you?”
Jesus thought for a second, “It was different days. I got experience of, not so much God’s Will but God’s Willie. And that’s why priests still like a bit of holy helmet. They are not perverts, they are just following God’s example. There are pictures in The Vatican that they follow.”
Franky sighed, “I killed my dad.”
“Both. Natural and the one that pulled me together.”
“No. I didn’t like them much.”
Jesus held up his glass and bowed his head, “Good. Regrets are shite. What about your mother?”
“It was her that turned me gay?”
Franky laughed, “…No! I’m only pulling your plonker. I was always rampant. I think that was where my rage came from.”
“So you are not a homicidal maniac.”
“I was. But I calmed down as soon as I got a taste of arse.”
He became sheepish, “Yes.”
Jesus began to feel wood, the type he liked, “I’m in for a good night! How does the body function”
“Not bad, I did have problem with my teeth. You know how if you see a little blood when you spit?”
“Oh fuck, you don’t spit do you?”
“…Only when cleaning my teeth!”
“Thank fuck for that.”
“Anyway I didn’t just see a little blood, it looked like a Strawberry Shake.”
“It calmed down after a year or so. The body dysmorphia was more of a problem.”
“Did you get help with that?”
“No I just accepted that I truly was horrible.”
Jesus reached out and touched Franky’s face.
“You look good to me.”
Divine’s, ‘You Think Your A Man’ began to play.
“Thank you, that means a lot. I was so stressed out for a while. I was only living on the acid in my stomach but as I said, I came to terms with my ugliness.”
“Beauty is in the Japs Eye of the beholder!”
“You are very sweet.”
I’ve been called ‘Sweet Jesus’ many a time.
Both men listened to the song for a minute or so. They finished off the wine. Jesus went to the bar and brought back another jug of water with two shot glasses.
“I thought you could only do that with wine.”
“Nope everything. Well, not everything. It’s ironic though, Babycham is the only thing I can’t manage. I need to pay for that!”
“I’ll buy you one, next round.”
“…What about your mum?”
“I’ll have nothing said about my mother.”
“Then it’s true that she was a blessed lady?”
“Fuck no! She was an awful whore. I don’t talk about her.”
“What about Satan?”
“Actually, he’s quite a nice bloke. A bit PD but who isn’t? His wife’s a bitch though, a total diva.”
Franky choked on his Tequila.
“You live and learn.”
Jesus stood up.
“I need to go to the bog.”
Franky checked him out as he walked to the toilet. He knew he knew he was watching him when he bent over to tie his sandle.
The never ending music continued to play. He was expecting some Ricky Martin anytime soon but got Kanye West’s version of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody. Franky smiled as he realised…when thinking about a huge arsehole, only Kanye would do.
Jesus returned a few minutes later, Franky noticed that he had combed his hair and there was a smell of frankincense about him.
Franky stroked his cheek, “Nice touch.”
Jesus blushed, “So when did you realise that you were gay?”
“Well, I wanked a lot and let’s just say I lost a few dicks as they came away in my hand and one day I accidentally sat on one and thought.,.Hello!! That’s nice! And it sort of went from there.”
“But if they came away in your hand?”
“I’m a bit of a Kinder Surprise, you just twist and turn and you can detach or more importantly, attach. I’ve quite a selection of pickled todgers and they’ve all been threaded.”
“That sounds very interesting!”
Franky was beginning to feel the warm glow of the Tequila.
“Do you like being the son of God.”
“I’m not sure. I tried to explain myself once.”
“And what happened?”
“I brain fucked a psychologist.”
“They all deserve what they get. I’ve killed a few in my time. Did it feel good?”
“Well to begin with, you see, they became a bit deranged and bit both my testicles, one after the other. It was sore”
“Surely you can defend yourself?”
“Nope! Dad’s got a weird sense of humour. He thinks it’s funny to see me suffer. I’m shit.”
“So you can’t handle pain?”
“It’s all relative and depends where the pain is!”
…“I feel something good can come of this.”
“I do too Franky. I believe we could start a new religion. One that is close to both our hearts and all of them that you have went through.’
‘How about a Gay Creationist Religion. We’re gay and you’ve been created.”
“That’s a beautiful idea. What about the Evolutionists”
“Sod them! I’m sure I can persuade the Catholic Church to embrace gayness but Darwin is as he has always been in their eyes…Fucked!!!
“Shall we cement our new religion in the only way relevant.”
“That sounds like a plan.”
“Let me choose the music this time, there is only one song that’ll do.”
He found what what was looking for on the jukebox.
Jesus stood up and held out his hand. It was accepted and the two men went into the Gents.
“This is where the Devil met his wife.”
“Romance has never died.”
“Yes, it’s a beautiful moment that first smell of piss!
They could hear the music from the bar.
He whispered into Jesus’s ear, “Franky says relax.”
…“Nail me Big Boy!!!”