Short Fiction

Week 407 – A Tip For Warmth, Does god Put A Line On? And Vocal Chords Aren’t Always A Good Thing! (By fuck did I censor myself there!!!)

Here we are at Week 407.

We have been having quite a cold snap lately which goes hand in hand with the rise to our heating bills. We may have a conspiracy theory here – Maybe the power companies can control the weather and they are in cahoots with the government who want to thin out the weak. So here is my tip to keep warm. Put on an extra jumper and squat in your local MP’s home. Take off the jumper, that was only to get you there, turn up their heating and cultivate love apples. (I had thought of another line here but I think I am in enough trouble with the Kismet Fairy…So squatting and tomato growing it is!!!)

When they finally get a Court Order to have you removed, throw the tomatoes at them. (Keep some in case you want a sandwich when you get out the jail!

I think that the only time that December is your favourite month is when you are a kid. As an adult, it is too cold, too depressing, too dreich and costs you too much fucking money!

The couple of months before have an elegance to them, Autumn is such a dignified season, especially after the wet uncomfortable Summer. (Either sweat or rain or both!)

Spring is the arrogant season what with it’s ‘Look at me, I’m all new’ attitude – Fucking Spring! I’m glad I love lamb!

In general, Winter doesn’t bother me, you just need to get on with whatever January and February throws at you. And there is nothing better than coming off a Night-shift and watching all those happy faces as they drag themselves into work each horrible morning!

Anyhow – Here on this cold December morning I find myself typing up this posting and considering god.

People have for years wondered if there is a god. Well, those who have any intelligence, will question and not just accept. (Faith is the answer to too many questions that can’t be answered. It’s like a young child, when asked anything, saying ‘Be-cau-au-ause!’

I thought of this, this week as I watched the World Cup. Here is my conclusion:

There definitely is no god – Morocco won’t win the world cup.

There may be a god – Argentina win on penalties.

There is a god – Harry Kane will miss a penalty in the quarter finals against France.

Hallelujah!! I have been converted!!! (Sorry Diane, although the blow may be softened due to your adopted home team marching on.)

In the name of fuck! Why should I be considering anything holy, that will just ruin Christmas!! There is nothing worse to put a dampener on our drinking than a bit of religion!! (A bit like a funeral…Not the religion part, well maybe but the dead person in the room is a bit of a bummer!)

Something happened this week that was a bit weird. We received a query about a submission which was structured as a multiple choice question. I can’t remember the A. B. C. alternatives but I do know that they omitted one choice that we would have used and that was D. – Fuck off and send us in a reasonable request / submission.

What I found totally unacceptable and insulting was that the person presumed to know the three answers we were likely to give and didn’t consider choice D!!!

To be fair, we have had a lot of strange correspondences but this was our first to treat us children!!!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had three new folks and two fledgling contributors.

To all the newbies we give them a warm welcome!

As always our initial comments follow.

First up on Monday was the second outing for Jie Wang.

Disconsolate Chimeras‘ got us up and running.

‘The desire to identify with a country was well done.’

‘There is a little light of humanity within this.’

‘Lovely writing.’

The next three are all new.

Shove‘ was Ronan Harts first story for us.

‘This is certainly a bitter little pill!’

‘Nasty – Really nasty – I love it!

‘Catty and brilliantly put across.’

The next newster was Chris Klaussen with ‘Ice Cream And Oxygen

‘This was different.’

‘Stream of consciousness is difficult to do. This was done very well.’

‘There was an essence of mania captured brilliantly.’

And we completed our newbie run on Thursday with Karen Shauber’s, ‘Clementine Season.’

‘Very descriptive’

‘This could be very easily extended.’

‘I enjoyed the writing.’

We finished off with Peter O’Connor who is building up a head of steam.

The Van‘ completed our stories for the week.

‘Some nostalgic charm.’

‘I like Peter’s style.’

‘A very controlled piece of writing.’

That’s the round-up well rounded up.

Keep the comments coming, I can’t express strongly enough what a difference they make!

That has made me think on a film line – Without looking who was the actor and what was the film with the line- ‘Don’t go!! I’ve got espresso’??

Just to finish we will have a wee (More sensible!) Christmas message for you next week.

I had stated on my last posting that I would try and give you some obscure or forgotten music for your entertainment or hate and I will from now on. But to stop me having two YouTubes today, I want to let you hear the most fucking awful Christmas Song ever! (And that includes Tiny Tim with the horrifyingly misjudged, ‘Santa Claus Has The Aids’ – What the fuck was he thinking???)

I can’t give you my honest opinion on this as you would all judge me and I may do time. I would say, and this is me being as nice as I can be – I’d fucking hurt the adult who let this annoying little prick sing – And by christ is that a very loose term.

My Christmas message is simply this, anything that a kid does as entertainment, isn’t. It’s not cute, it’s not heart-warming, it’s not clever and never in a million years should it be subjected to anyone who isn’t a parent!

They can’t sing, they can’t dance and they still have trouble controlling their bladder. But to be fair there are a few old rockers who may be in the same boat!!

Let the kid play with their toys, eat a load of shite and be sick – That’s their job. In the name of anything that means anything, don’t encourage them to sing, dance, recite or act until they can control their bladder and actually show some actual talent.

And talking about irritating kids, I did like the quote from Shirley Temple who stated that she gave up believing in Father Christmas when she was six. She went to a mall to see Santa and he asked her for her autograph. Her voice was irritating, her acting was terrible, her haircut was ridiculous but that logical assumption was rather astute for a six year old!!

As promised, here you go.

Be prepared for dogs and me wailing when this total shite is played.

Hugh

(What key is this wee prick singing in??)

…I’ve heard it again as I was copying it – I hate this more and more every time I hear it!! It is the worst!! (And I remember St Winifred’s School Choir)

Hugh

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay 

Hugh – I’ve never seen that before – I think you may have just obliterated the last teeny bit of sanity I was hanging on to. Who the hamlets thought that was a good idea?

5 thoughts on “Week 407 – A Tip For Warmth, Does god Put A Line On? And Vocal Chords Aren’t Always A Good Thing! (By fuck did I censor myself there!!!)”

  1. Hugh,
    Excellent work. The video is a fatal blow to the existence of God. Jose once took something like ten minutes to sing The Star Spangled Banner at either a World Series or Super Bowl many many years ago. Maybe the Qatar government can bribe YouTube into taking down the video. It crushed my soul, but since I wasn’t using it, why bother.

    It’s immoral to turn off the power to homes too poor to afford the rate. It’s also immoral for a rich man to spend 300 million on the services of three baseball players for the sake of his own ego. Sadly, with God now feliz navidaded out of circulation, there is no penalty for such.

    This is what we are up against when we say merry Christmas. Rockcandyland.
    Leila

    Like

  2. These days, Christmas is essentially a pagan celebration. Eat, drink, and be merry, light up the tree and the streets to bring back the daytime that’s been disappearing for some months now. This Feliciano video “Feliz Navidad” is the first time I’ve seen the ceramic holy family all year. Wow, Jose must be around 109 now, he was at least 58 fifty years ago. Speaking of weird Christmas songs: How about “Twisted Sister” doing “O Come All Ye Faithful?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV-SpT69IZ8

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Favorite unfavorite Christmas song – any version of rum tum a tum tum Little Drummer Boy.

    My only English (+ Wales & Scotland, hold the Norther Ireland) experiencee – Summer of 1988 in Dousland I think (inland from Plymouth). The worst summer weather in the place with the worst summer weather. Somebody who knew we were tourists came out the house to apologize. Mostly rained.

    We learned a valuable lesson. Go to the pub after the walk rather than before. A treasured memory – written on the ceiling of the pub “Good beer innit”. I still use innit at times. It would be occaisionally, but I can’t spell that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good post and roundup. That is one bad Christmas video, although I like the Jose Feliciano song itself. I don’t mind winters in our part of the Midwest. Typically, though not lately, we get some bright sunny days and aren’t overwhelmed with snow.

    Liked by 1 person

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