Short Fiction

Week 405 – Using Sexism, Using Capitals And Using A Funny Looking Dog With A Big Black Nose.

I had a wee ‘conversation’ with James McEwan a couple of weeks back in our anniversary post and this got me thinking on one of my huge bug-bearers – Double standards.

We both mentioned our appreciation of certain ladies wearing leather trousers when we were younger. Now I’m very aware that all the snowflakes and enraged out there could take this absolutely harmless statement and turn it into something that it’s not or never was.

What gets me a wee bit is that any ladies of this world, no matter what age can state their appreciation of the likes of Henry Cavill or Jason Momoa, whereas men, when mentioning this type of appreciation can be labelled as an ‘old sleaze’

Personally I don’t find Henry or Jason that appealing, but I can admire their bodies!

So with that in mind (An open one that is!!) and my tongue firmly in my cheek, I give you some sexist remarks and jokes that I have put my own meaning to.

1. Why are babies slapped on the arse when they are born?

To knock the penises off the intelligent ones.

Now this has been laughed at on many occasions by both men and women but not now-a-days. The enraged would state that whoever told that joke is a child abuser. And then they’d go into a spiel about sex organs having nothing to do with gender.

2. How many times have you heard two men talking to each other and one stating to the other whilst looking at an attractive lady – ‘Ken whit I’d dae with that’

This is all bravado as the answer would actually be – Open the door for her and blush.

3. Same as above with – ‘If I wis oanly twenty years younger’

The answer to this is two-fold.

First would be – ‘You’d still be ignored’

Secondly – ‘Nothing, that’s what you’d do, nothing’

4. An older lady looking at a young man and stating – ‘Give me a couple of hours with him and I’d teach him a thing or two!’

The lady would do an excellent job in explaining how to handle a ham shank and make a tasty pot of lentil soup.

5. ‘Keep them bare-footed and pregnant’

This has changed from a total sexist attitude to something more to do with amassing benefits.

Oh and the proud father would also be bare-footed, but he would be on Prozac with some PTSD reason for not wearing trainers to enhance their benefits.

And yet again, we would have the enraged state that I am now belittling mental health issues which I’m not…Fuck that!! If I need to explain what I’m getting at, then the enraged will still be enraged.

6. ‘A woman’s place is in the home’

…Says the guy who spends 23 hours a day in his man-cave.

7. Two guys – One says to the other when a buxom lady passes – ‘Look at the tits on that.’

This is ironic as the two biggest tits in the vicinity are those two men.

The enraged and snowflakes will be beside themselves and they will be considering me to be everything from sexist to the anti-christ.

To them I will state – It wasn’t me that wrote any of those initial statements you sensitive fuds!! Those lines have been around for years!!

However…All this is leading to another point. (And NO you arsebags, this isn’t just an excuse for me to write these down, they are as auld as the hills and I wouldn’t sully myself!!)

I think, we have all, at one time received a rejection letter that states that our story was something already seen. ‘The story goes down a well worn path’ is something we have used on many an occasion.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t use these types of stories – It just means that you need to take them somewhere else. You need an off-shoot, another consideration, another outcome. Those examples that I’ve typed, I’m sure most of you will be aware of many of them, but with the add-ons it changes them ever so slightly.

We are writers – We explore.

And if any of you take out anything more than is meant – Don’t ever write or read, just fuck off!!!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had one new writer and four guys who have an eye-watering 292 stories between them.

As always our initial comments follow.

First off we had Mick Bloor. This is the eighth story Mick has had published and we are sure that there will be many more.

An Historical Footnote‘ got us up and running.

‘A brief little trifle.’

‘Written in a charming style.’

‘The scholarly scrum and ambition was amusing.’

On Tuesday we had the never boring Tim Frank. Tim is getting quite the back-catalogue. ‘By Any Means Necessary‘ was story number fourteen for him.

‘Tim seldom writes about people you want to root for.’

‘The underlying theme is lampooning education.’

‘It is a sort of reverse on critical race theory.’

The legend that is Fred K Foote was next up with his seventy-seventh story entitled, ‘A Hell Of A Story.’

‘I like the idea of a cruise ship afterlife.’

‘Quirky and funny.’

‘Flat out bizarre.’

From one legend to another.

Tom Sheehan nearly finished off the week with, ‘The White House At The End Of The Lane.’

We have seen Tom grace the site 193 times!

‘Strange little piece.’

‘Very interesting.’

‘I really enjoyed this one.’

And our only new writer, Gene Bray, had his first story for us published on Friday.

We welcome Gene and hope that he has fun on the site.

The Village‘ completed the week.

‘This captures a thing that used to be in most American cities.’

‘You did get a feel for the place and the characters.’

‘The end observation on our lives today was very true.’

That’s us for another week folks.

Please keep the comments coming, it really does add some life to the site. I’m delighted to advise that our eight year posting managed over fifty comments – That is something that we’ve never seen before, so a huge thanks to all those who took part!

To finish off, this is a wee bit out of date. This actually happened the week I was writing this.

Our esteemed leader *richey rich the teeny pm (I know he has over 700 million in the bank. I have around £14.37 with no overdraft facility but I’m willing to go into Primark, spend my savings to get the annoying wee prick a pair of fucking trousers that fit him. I read somewhere that he likes to show some ankle to make him look taller than his three foot two stature. Now here’s the thing…Would you rather look your real height and not have ridiculous trousers that state that ‘Your cat has died’ or would you rather look like that wee **Bellend??) and our esteemed chancellor *jeremy have stated that they want Britain (Probably not us Scots though!) to become a new Silicone Valley.

Well, when I see who has made that statement I think it would have been more appropriate to call it Sillycunt Valley!!!

Hugh

* I have decided never to capitalise those Wanks.

** I will however capitalise what they are.

…Childish I know, but it keeps me as sane as possible.

And lastly – Leila has lists, so I’ve decided to try and come up with some obscure music.

Please let me know if you have ever heard this.

To be honest, I don’t even know where this mob were from.

22 thoughts on “Week 405 – Using Sexism, Using Capitals And Using A Funny Looking Dog With A Big Black Nose.”

  1. Because I have written everything that needs to be written (years ago prolly, but I persist) I started a new section of my blog “Music, Music, Music”. I started with works that should be better known, women rockers, and rock instrumentals. It might be of interest to those whose time horizon is roughly late 1940s and dwindles by the 1980s.

    A point frequently missed by the critics of male sexism, without male lust no one would be here. The late, fairly good, Bobby Darin had a song “Multiplication” which made that point.

    Thanks to all of my LS friends for the stories and friendship from the Specific Northwest.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks to the three of you for commenting!!
        And guys, this is such a loaded subject that I will opt out!
        …Well…Now that I think on it…No tongue in cheek, no personal thought meaning, no offence meant but just a sad observation…
        The difference between an admittedly horny lady and an admittedly horny gentleman is RIDICULE.
        …And we all know who gets the RIDICULE!!!!
        Hugh

        …But I suppose that depends on who they admit it to?????

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha! I heard that song just yesterday. That video is a hoot. I love the little pre-video age filmed songs–that were probably first seen on Shindig or something.
    You forgot one:
    “In the kitchen or in the bedroom.” Arrrrgg…..as Lucy Van Pelt would say. Men are men and I say we let them be save for the rare genuine creeps, Jimmy Saville, Weinstein etc. Sometimes I get the impression that there’s a power afoot that wants a species of passive eunuchs to rise and work for Amazon.

    Though it has nothing to do with anything–does anyone have a song they like by a group they dislike. For years I thought “Malibu” was sung by Natalie Merchant. But it is done by Hole, not my favorite group in the world. I just found that out. But I should have figured it our sooner, because Natalie can sing.

    Anyway, excellent post!
    Leila

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks as always!!
      Not so much like but dislike but more thought it was done by someone else. I have probably more but the two that spring to mind are ‘Sailor’ – ‘Glass Of Champagne’ – I always thought for a long while that this was by ‘Roxy Music’. And ‘Here Comes The Night’ by ‘Them’, again for many a time, I thought this was ‘The Stones’.
      HAH!! Maybe another list in the making!!!
      Hugh

      Like

      1. I always thought a song by the Spiral Staircase called I Love You More Today Than Yesterday was Stevie Wonder for at least twenty five years.
        Maybe a list there…
        Leila

        Like

    1. Hi Dave,
      Thank you for your continual interest!!
      I honestly hadn’t heard that song and have just looked it up. What a rip off of the first!! And to be honest, I’m glad I didn’t know it!!!
      Thanks again – For the comment, not the song!!!
      Hugh

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Steven,
      Is ‘love’ not a wee bit strong???
      Maybe not, I have a few belters in my play-list!!!
      Thanks for the comment my fine friend.
      Hugh

      Like

  3. I admit I was being naughty and trying to stir things up. It is fair to say that the whole thing is weighted one way and of course, I got the point but the other side of the coin may be that women do have a fair amount of control over the ‘multiplication’ issue – always of course barring violence and coercion

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Diane,
      What I love about contentious topics is that it brings out all sorts of debate and opinions. The interesting thing is how the subsequent ‘comments’ are received / accepted / rejected. What folks don’t realise is that their answers say so much about their opinions.
      I love to debate. I love to piss those off who have stated that they have belief on whatever subject as if they have that belief, I shouldn’t be able to piss them off. I don’t think I have anything that anyone could say to me that would annoy me as I will agree to disagree (And think into myself that they are a Bell-End!)
      I do think the whole male / female thing is so interesting. It can be unbalanced which becomes sexism and misogyny or becomes double standards and this is all depends on who and what and where and when the comments (Never behaviour!!) are said.
      As Leila has said, writers always write but I also believe that they always think and question!!
      Hugh

      Like

  4. Indeed, I am old enough to recall “Snoopy vs. The Red Baron,” he comes from a different time and ethos, likely wouldn’t fly today. Indeed, I know “The Royal Guardsmen” version best. This one is new to me, not too bad, a rather rockin’ ska beat there!

    Like

    1. Hi Harrison,
      I honestly don’t know why I had that song as a single. I remember the first couple that I ever bought were ‘Steelers Wheel’ – ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’ and ‘Wizard’ ‘See My Baby Jive’, both early seventies and long before Mr Tarantino made Mr Rafferty as cool as he always was!
      Hugh

      Like

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