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Week 367 – Impossible Writing Implements And The Rorschach Test, Is ‘Hello’ The Best Choice And ‘Royal Hat Or Scat’.

Before we start we would all like to say that our hearts bleed for the state this world is in and our thoughts are with all those poor souls who are suffering, being murdered and needing help.

I have mentioned a few times what my shortcomings are when I write.

I am shit at titles, description, imagination, technical terms, character names, to name but a few. There is another hands on discipline that I can’t do for the life of me. I can’t fill a fountain pen without covering myself in ink. I need a roll of kitchen towel, a ream of blotting paper and some industrial hand cleaner. I have splash marks up my wall from a re-filling attempt. My cat loves to ridicule me as he sits on the headrest of the chair and stares at the splodges.

I’ve stared at them myself to see what I can see, I don’t think there are ten, I can only make out five. They are :

1. Greta Thunberg with sunburn and wrapped in plastic.

2. Yosemite Sam’s nose and half of his moustache eating a kumquat.

3. A seahorse derby that is won by the 7-4 second favourite named Gerald.

4. A raspberry blancmange toasted sandwich.

5. A Rainbow fighting a packet of M&Ms and losing an eye only for one of the M&M’s to take pity and stand in. (And for all you Romance Writers – It wasn’t the bloody green one!)

I’m not sure if these are disturbing. I do know that one is a wish!

There are two weird things about these interpretations.

1. I hate toasties.

2. The ink blots are only in black.

We all know a few things about James Bond. He wore Oxfords, drank a Vodka Martini, carried a Walther PPK and used a Ronson Lighter. I wonder if he used a Dupont Fountain Pen?? (He’d need to win a few hands of Blackjack – Those bastards are expensive!)

If he did my admiration has went up ten fold. Okay, he could get away with the tuxedo but he’d look a right tit saving the world with ink blots on his shirt.

Talking about ink blots on clothes. Our anniversary was on the tenth and Gwen had a problem with a fountain pen long before me. When she was signing the marriage certificate, the pen leaked and she spilled some of the ink onto her dress. Now a lot of Bride Divas would have had a tantrum but she was a bit more philosophical about things and had a fag. She said that she’d always have the ink from the very first time she had signed her name Cron.

I read somewhere that this was the week in history when Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. (7th March 1876).

A few things came to mind.

– ‘Alexander Graham Bell’ is a terrible but brilliant song by the Glam Rock band ‘The Sweet.’

– I wonder if Mr Bell ever considered that his invention would be used more for pouting arseholes taking pictures of their ridiculous eyebrows rather than actually used for speaking to people.

– I really do wish that ‘Ahoy’ had been taken up as the greeting when a call was answered. I don’t suppose this wouldn’t really have changed anything:

…Ahoy…Is it me you’re looking for. (Poor Lionel! Nothing could save that song!)

…I just called to say Ahoy.* (Poor Stevie! Nothing could save that song either!)

…Ahoy! Are you wearing any knickers? (Let’s be honest a perv is a perv!!)

…Ahoy. Have you been sold PPI in the last five years. (No change there, The answer to that is still ‘Fuck off!!’)

…’You had me at Ahoy’ (Nope! No difference. Rene would still overact and Cruise still has a face you’d want to slap into next week!)

Okay, onto this week’s stories.

We had no first timers this week but what we did have were five writers who have two hundred and twenty two stories between them.

But to be fair, anytime Mr Sheehan is published, the average soars.

As always our initial comments follow.

The man himself was first up with ‘What’s In My Wallet‘.

This is story number 160 for Tom Sheehan.

That amount of stories makes my head hurt!!

And unbelievably, there are a lot more to come.

‘These stories regarding Korea are always excellent.’

‘This is up to Tom’s brilliant standard.’

‘Tom’s output continues to be beyond belief!’

It was great to see L’Erin Ogle back with another story.

Her sixteenth was called ‘Cherries‘ and it was published on Tuesday.

‘L’Erin is as dark as ever.’

‘Gripping.’

‘Shocking and excellent.’

Tony Osgood broke the back of the week with his fourth outing entitled, ‘Here Come Grandfather’s Goats’

‘So bloody hard hitting and brutal it moves you if you have any soul at all.’

‘The situations that cause this sort of desperation have never eased at anytime in history.’

‘The more times you read the story, the more you appreciate the writing.’

On Thursday we had our lovely fellow editor Diane.

Snow‘ was her thirty second story for the site.

‘Perfect word count.’

‘Unlike so many short shorts, this has a beginning, a middle and an end.

‘Even though it is so short, it takes time to unfold.’

We finished off with Alex Sinclaire who has now reached a milestone. This is Alex’s tenth story for us and that means he is in only the 3% of writers who have ever managed this.

Many congratulations Alex!!

Dengue Fever‘ completed the week.

‘A Narrative was accomplished within the rolling madness.’

‘Very dark.’

‘The ambiguity was done to great effect.

Usual prodding or poking or whatever.

Please comment, it makes the Great God Timatuma very happy.

I see that Steven French has joined our band of frequent commentators – Thanks so much for that!!

And someone please have a go at the Sunday Re-Run. I don’t know how to tempt you. Maybe by suggesting you get some medication for shyness. (Buckfast works in Scotland) Or telling you if you are a writer and want to get your voice out there, why not do a spiel and throw in a few questions for an author of a story that you’ve enjoyed. We’ll publish exactly what you send us. And that feature is looked at by around three hundred people every Sunday.

And just to finish off. I see that another attempt at replacing bearskins with synthetic furs has been refused for those regiments who protect the Paedo’s Mother. It is argued that the synthetic caps loose their shape. Here’s a mad idea, why not change the design of the stupid looking hat?

But I think I have a cracking idea. Why not have a reality TV show where members of the royal family are sent out into the Canadian Wilderness armed with a penknife and they have to find and fight a Black Bear for its fur.

If they are successful, then there is a new hat for a Guardsman. But if they lose, they’d need to abdicate or live in exile or more than likely, be shovelled up.

Fuck your Love Island – I’d watch that!

Hugh

(At time of writing I can’t confirm if the harry one has accepted the job as host.)

* I know that is the wrong lyrics but every now and then I like to re-iterate how bad that song is!!!

9 thoughts on “Week 367 – Impossible Writing Implements And The Rorschach Test, Is ‘Hello’ The Best Choice And ‘Royal Hat Or Scat’.”

  1. Another fine weekly. I have never dealt with a fountain pen because I know it would end badly. When we were kids, my brother had a portable manual typewriter. I attempted to change the ribbon. Turned out I was as good at that as I would be at brain surgery. Should have skipped the attempt and signed the death certificate.

    I have always seen Spock going crazy (I love the way Star Trek showed the perception of insanity. I grew up thinking that demented people see the world at a tilt, surrounded by leering fun house mirror faces). Anyway, Spock, again made crazy by something or another (temporary insanity apparently runs amok in the future) prepares to beam a bound and gagged Bones. into empty space. And as he slides the buttons, says “Ahoy, McCoy.” If the show hadn’t been cancelled after the third season I could see something like that happening by the shark jumping season.

    Leila

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Leila,
      I have the three seasons on DVD, god knows how many times I’ve watched them! I also have all the seasons of ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ which I need to watch through. I am always on the lookout for ‘Soap’ (Absolute genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Richard Milligan was immense) and the ‘Dark Secret Of Harvest Home’ I also have told you that I’m about to go through ‘Reggie Perrin’ – He is part of my toast every New Year.
      Thanks as always!!
      Hugh

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    1. Hi David,
      This has just reminded me how much I adore the song, ‘People Are Strange’
      I will probably mention this in Leila’s upcoming Saturday Post, ‘Echo And The Bunnymen’ did a cracking version of that song!
      If you don’t know them, check them out – It was their version on the soundtrack to ‘Lost Boys’. And ‘Bring On The Dancing Horses’ is an amazing tune. (That was playing when I first met my sister-in-law – I remember random things regarding music!!)
      Thanks as always my fine friend.
      Hugh

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  2. As a five year old or thereabouts as we old people say, ball points were already taking over from fountain pens, but our desks that we ducked under for atomic bombs still had ink wells for them. Can’t explicitly remember filling a fountain pen, but I think that it involved a lever at the side of the pen.

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    1. Hi Doug,
      Yep, we still had inkwells. No ink in them, just chewing gum and used condoms.
      …What can you say about teachers in those days!!
      Thanks as always my fine friend!
      Hugh

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      1. I don’t remember the contents of the inkwells. Older brother says “There are condoms under the veranda”. Younger brother says “What’s a veranda?”. I do remember getting under desks for nuclear attack drills, and pulling a pile of the desks down on me.

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  3. Hi Doug,
    We never got the Nuclear attack drill.
    We were simply told that heart disease, smack or no sense of worth would get us eventually so maybe it was better to end it quicker!!
    Hugh

    Like

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