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Week 323: A Dope By Any Other Name is Still a…

Prologue

Welcome to week 323. My name is Leila Allison, and I believe that I am the first American editor at Literally Stories, which, of course, means nothing to no one nowhere no how, but since I so rarely come in first, I thought I’d mention it.

For those who are addicted to Hugh’s Saturday posts, I extend my apologies. But the fellow deserves a break every so often, and this week I have taken up the cause in his place. Although I have no idea what Hugh will do on his mini-vacation, rest assured it probably doesn’t involve listening to Coldplay or soliciting funds for a statue of the late Royal Consort to be erected in Ayr, Scotland.

The world is an unsteady place, but one thing is for certain: Hugh makes the Saturday post look easier than it is to accomplish in reality. So it is with great anxiety and a general sense of foreboding that I now present my pale imitation of the master.

PART ONE: The Anecdote

I once worked with a woman named She-Ra. One night over martinis, She-Ra (who was born in the 80’s) told me that the only reason she was named after He-Man’s sister from the Masters of the U,niverse franchise was due to the unfortunate fact that both her parents were dopes.

“But you’re not a dope,” I said, even though I had yet to make up my mind whether She-Ra was a dope or not. But, since she was buying, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

“Sometimes the dope gene bypasses a generation,” She-Ra said. And after she sucked the pimento out of her olive, a thoughtful expression bloomed in her faraway eyes. “I can never have kids. Even if I mated with an Einstein odds are that the forestalled dope gene would come back with triple force. As you must already know, Leila, there’s as much dopiness around as there is water. Thank God I hate children.”

I could hardly refute the point, right? So, naturally, I stood for a round and proposed a toast. “Too many dopes in the word as it is.”

“Amen, sister.”

PART TWO: The Confession

Part one of this post is a lie. I don’t know anyone named She-Ra. But I do know martinis. Recently (very recently) after my third martini, it occurred to me that I know two intelligent persons whose parents are certified dopes. It’s as though both the X and Y dope chromosomes somehow cancelled each other out in both cases. But not entirely…

You see, one of the otherwise smart children of dopes I know once took me to a French restaurant and proceeded to place our order in French even though he doesn’t know a single word of the language. And he wouldn’t let it go. He just kept making French-like noises, much to the embarrassment and vexation of everybody present–especially our waiter.

My other friend whose parents are dopes is a physician, yet her dopiness betrays itself through her taste in men–of which she has none–unless you count dopes, of whom she has had more than her fair share.

This causes me to believe that the smart children of dopes are in fact dopes, but somehow they have become specialists in certain areas only.Your average dope is usually blandly dopey about everything, but specialized dopes are spectacularly dopey in one part of their minds to the mystification of everyone that knows them.

I could go on about dopes for hours, but that isn’t the objective of this piece.

PART THREE: Awkward Segue to the Purpose of the Post

In a last ditch effort to lend this piece a little class, I want to take the time and have the five guys who took the Literally Stories stage this week come out for a bow.

Monday saw the return of legendary Tom Sheehan for what I count to be his one-hundred-thirty-third performance, with Hobie’s Sugar Still. Every time Tom shows up he sets a new site record. But big numbers are no stranger to a man who is active in his nineties, has written forty-four books and served in the Korean War, seventy years ago.

On Tuesday Yash Seyedbagheri’s sixteenth story, Over the Limit graced the site. Even though it will be sometime before Tom has to look over his shoulder for Yash, this former pushcart award nominee is piling acceptances up at an impressive speed.

Wednesday saw the LS debut of Jake Kendall. His A Fleeting Victory has us looking forward to seeing more from this emerging talent.

Always interesting Tim Frank returned with his sixth piece, Sofa Surfing on Thursday. He has a truly unique and descriptive way of looking at things. Well worth the view, as are the others, in case you missed him the first time around.

On Friday, Kansan Andrew Johnston completed this week’s fab five with the elegiac A Flower For a Lost Grave.

The acceptance rate for submissions is very low. Thus the quality of the stories we published this and every week is very high. If you missed any of them, do yourself a favor, take a look now lest you forget later.

PART FOUR: Attempt at a Wow Finish

I want to conclude this post by revisiting my new found passion for dopes. I have formed a list of dope synonyms from A to Z, but need the reader’s help to fill in “E” (why yes, I do know it is the most common letter in the alphabet), “Q” and “Z.” I’m at a loss for those.

There was a time in my life when all twenty-six of the slots would be filled with either a person’s name or a profanity. I’ve grown up some, so there is only one of each in my list. In dope synonym rich letters, such as “D” (dumbass, dildo, dimwit, etc.) I have selected my personal favorite. And I must admit that both “brain” and “head” probably appear more than they ought as suffixes, but in my defense all dopiness is centered between the ears.

I leave you now with my A to Z of Dopes

Leila

A: Ameoba-brain

B: Bonehead

C: Chowderhead

D: Dip-whiz

E: NEEDS SUGGESTIONS

F: Fuckstick (my one profanity)

G: Gwyneth Paltrow (my one name)

H: Hammerhead

I: Imbecile

J: Jackwagon

K: Knave

L: Lummox

M: Mullethead

N: Ninny

O: Oaf

P: Peabrain (my favorite, really)

Q: NEEDS SUGGESTIONS but keep “Qweef” to yourself, okay?

R: Ratchet-head (“Royal” in Scotland)

S: Soyhead (for the vegans)

T: Twit

U: Union Wanker

V: Vegan

W: Wanker (standard UK model, not to be confused with the European Union Wanker)

X: “X”-crementalist

Y: Yokel

Z: MORE HELP PLEASE

-Brilliant debut Leila.

I’ve jumped in here to get in first!

E: Eejit (Scots / Irish for ‘idiot’)

Q: Quizzical (A wee bit of sarcasm always works)

X: X-Men (Cause they are a little bit special – Nod to Stephen Lynch)

Z: Zoon (Also known as a ‘Moonunit’)

Hugh

Oh – I can’t pass this up erm erm

E – Eggcup – I honestly used this with my children when they were daft

Q – Quark – I know it’s a really clever scientific word but it should be a small grey bird that falls over its own feet

X – xero – shrugs and walks away just slightly embarrassed.

Z – Zomb – Yes, I know – but I can’t stand all these brain eating movies.

Great post Leila. We are so glad that you’re part of the team. dd

EGGCUP??? When the kids were daft????

Hugh

Yes, ‘What did you do that for you little ‘Eggcup’ I would change it up with ‘banana’ sometimes.

dd

Image by inkflo from Pixabay 

18 thoughts on “Week 323: A Dope By Any Other Name is Still a…”

  1. Hallo Leila,

    My offering for ‘Q’ is Quad-Dope. Four times the dope in a single human. It occurs when two dope parents give birth to a dope, who marries a dope. The offspring of that union would be a quad-dope. Taa-Daa!

    Great job giving Hugh a run for his money.

    Best,
    Marco

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Marco. I like quad-dope, a sort of dope squared sort f thing. As far as giving Hugh a run for his money goes, you are kind, but he makes this look easier than it is.
      LA

      Like

  2. great Stuff Leila – congratulations on your first Saturday Post. It’s great having you around and you have certainly helped to ease the load. I have actually managed to rekindle my relationship with the Hubby. Though I did have to remind him who I was.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s fine and good that you married a non-dope. I assume that because you are not a dope and that you two celebrated the big fiftieth anniversary a while back. Neither dope and dope nor “mixed” marriages, which involve just one eggcup, are built for the long haul.
      Thanks again for your help and patience,
      LA

      Like

  3. Leila, I loved your debut! Good on you! You always make me smile with your witty writing, and always a joy to read! I am thinking that perhaps those folks who “seem” to be higher achieving dopes could be called Dope Savants? You know the type: brilliant, but put their pants on backwards? Several come to mind…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Not just a Wow finish but a Wow Post from the start. E: Eatery, generalizing from the dopey word for a restaurant; Q: qmin, cause that’s how dopes spell the spice; Z: zebra, nothing against them, but do they really think black and white stripes mean the lions can’t see them?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello, Mr. Henson. I thank you both for your kind words and suggestions. I concur with zebra; almost went with wildebeest because they keep piling into the river even when it is obvious the crocs are waiting for them (or is that gator? dunno). If I were a wildebeest, I’d hang back and let the rest of herd feed the crocsorgators first. And I thank you for “Qmin” as well. So often mistaken as the secret ingredient in Soylent Green.
      LA

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Congrats on the first Saturday Round Up Leila! Fantastic stuff and some brilliant comments and suggestions. I’ll venture a Quirkafleeg for your missing Q – I have no idea what it means but I’ve been having a retro gaming chat with my kids about the ZX Spectrum days and I recall the classic Jet Set Willy having a level somewhat obscurely called “We Must Perform A Quirkafleeg”. It sounds like a satisfyingly ancient put down and is a pleasure to bestow upon some loskop poephol (both Afrikaans – loskop literally translating as “loose head” and poephol pronounced poop-hole and meaning what you’d expect). The latter term has been repeated with much glee by my son over the last week or so since he learned it and I’ve warned him that it’ll earn him a snotklap (another brilliant Afrikaans description of being smacked in the face so hard snot comes out).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So great to hear from you, Nik. And in the science of dopedom all languages and cultures must have an equal say because it seems that dopes and smart people are equally distributed throughout the world.
      Thanks again and for all your help too.

      LA

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Leila,
    Brilliant post and what a reaction from the readers – They have done you proud.
    Hope you had fun doing this – It can be a blast. It is a weird medium because when you write it, you are aware that others will read it but you still sort of think that you are writing it for only you. But when the comments come in, it gives you such a kick. I think when we write stories we feel any comments are only about the story but a post is a wee bit different as we put a bit of ourselves out there.
    Hope to see many more of these from you!!
    Oh and just to add three of my favourite words for an idiot.
    B – Belter. (That can be used positive and negative. It can mean a brilliant person who you are delighted to spend time with or an absolute twat)
    D – Dildo (Don’t know why that is used??)
    F- Fud (A Scottish word for (Mainly a man) who is being called a ladypart)

    All the very best.
    Hugh

    Like

      1. Cheers Leila,
        Talking pish is something I’ve been told on many, many, many, many occasions that I’ve been doing all my life!
        Hugh

        Like

  7. Wow! Leila, that was impressive. I’m sure it wasn’t easy stepping into Hugh’s big feet, but I loved that Part 1 was a fabrication. And since I don’t do dope and avoid dopes I have nothing to add but an expression the young kids throw around, “That was dope.”

    Liked by 1 person

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