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Week 318 – A Sensitive No-Go Area, An Itch That Couldn’t Be Scratched And Jesus Body-Popping To ‘My Diane’ (He Nailed It)

I was going to do something about procrastinating this week but I couldn’t be fucked.

I think I’ll ask Diane to put the read more tag after the next sentence so I can warn ‘The Sensitives’, I was going to call them Fuckwits and in a way, I suppose I have.

WARNING – Blasphemous Material – Do not read on if you are of a religious persuasion and likely to be offended. If you read on and are offended – Well – I told you!!!

(Here Diane – Here – Quick before those who want to be outraged take a peak and get sexually aroused because they are outraged – Fecking freaks!!!)

I was thinking that since it was Easter I could slag off all the Christians, but they worry me. I don’t think they are as meek as they are made out to be. I mean, they celebrate their main man being nailed up with big fuck off nails onto something so huge, Ikea could make a kitchen from it. No offence Christian people but that’s no very nice.

And what the fuck has wee yellow chicks got to do with Easter? Or chocolate? And they are pushing it with the hot cross buns. Does it mean if you put a cross on anything it becomes all Eastery? And why does crossing your fingers bring you luck? Mind you crossing his fingers is the only thing Jesus could do, he couldn’t cross himself or scratch his baws. How that man suffered especially as he had a session with Mary the night before. Not the Magdalene Mary. Seemingly his mum had an awfy dose of the crabs. She told Joseph that the lord had infested her and let’s be frank, the gullible prick has got history in believing anything she said. Their son took after his dad.

Okay I really hadn’t been that blasphemous up until the last few sentences and then I went down hill fast.

Going downhill fast is why you should never put grease on your granny. (Thank you Milton Jones for that one!)

I wonder why you don’t get Easter films like you do at Christmas – You know the shite I’m talking about, those that are really just lame Rom-Coms with a bit of snow and some irritating kid as the matchmaker.

Maybe we could start a fad – Stories for Easter – Get the scripts written and send them into whatever studio is producing all that sentimental shite.

And for all our young writers out there – This is another opportunity to write a Zombie Script. But please don’t send it to us or we will do what everyone should do when confronted by some form of Zombie, we will walk away at a slightly brisk pace.

Okay, onto this week’s stories.

We had three new folks, an eleventh timer and me.

To all our new folks, we welcome them, want them to enjoy the site and we hope to see more of their work.

Our topics this week include; writing, a hill, recognition, fantasy and childhood.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up on Monday was me with ‘Maisonette‘.

I always need to thank Diane as she helps me out no-end. She probably doesn’t realise what her enthusiasm for this story meant to me!

On Tuesday we had our first new writer.

Brent Holmes story ‘Ellen And Elise‘ was next up.

‘I bet people like him are a nightmare for restaurant staff.’

‘This makes you consider whether or not he is mad.’

‘Well constructed with a good pace.’

Rose Ragsdale was our second new writer, she broke the back of the week with ‘To Tame The Animals.

‘She seems to be drawn to religion which is interesting.’

‘I enjoyed the read.’

‘There is some lyrical writing throughout.’

On Thursday we had a superb writer who is becoming quite the regular. Yash Seyedbagheri was next up with, ‘The Flight Of Time.

‘This grows on you.’

‘I felt this was quite chilling.’

‘Great writing as always.’

And we finished off on Friday with our last new writer.

Relics‘ was Michael Helvaty’s first story for us.

‘Cleverly done.’

‘This had a lovely tone.’

‘The descriptions painted such a clear picture.’

That’s us for another week guys.

Just the usual reminders.

No comments make Miss Anderson and Jesus cry. And as we have already discussed, that poor prick has enough on his plate. I am assuming Miss Anderson would cry if Jesus was upset – She was a wee religious wummin.

And the Re-Run – Guys come on, poor Leila has no-one to play with. If that lady was at The Alamo, she would have held up the fort a lot longer.

I have a hint that I’ve used a line like that before – I think Jesus is cursing me with some form of dementia. Did you know that Jesus could curse, both ways – Yep Jesus goes both ways. Boy does he like the ‘A’ word. Oh not ‘Arsehole’ or any of its variants – Abdicate. He has a lot in common with that jug eared arsehole that we’ve had to put up with.

Since it’s Jesus’s deathday, I’ll tell you some more secrets.

He hates wine, he prefers a real ale. (Told you he was a prick)

He can make a mean clothes peg. Not a plastic one – The real deal – All wood.

For some reason, dogs bite him.

He is fond of pilchards on toast. (He shares that with all his friends. Costs him a fucking fortune at Tescos though)

He is upset that some folks call him ‘she’ and even more upset when they call him ‘they’.

‘The Bachelors’ are his favourite group.

And he likes to holiday in Djibouti.

Now if you don’t believe any of these – Prove me wrong. Oh wait a minute, ‘proof’ is the word that the word ‘faith’ renders void.

Just to finish.

Hopefully I haven’t upset anyone as those that would be offended are all outside the read-more tag wondering what they are missing to be outraged about.

But that may change.

I’ve found in my fifty three going on fifty four years in this planet, some folks have no sense of humour when talking about certain subjects. That is fair and just down to preference. But there are those who can’t see as is and are quite delusional.

For example – I mentioned Real Ale – Please accept that some of this is bogging.

Beatnik poetry isn’t cool no matter who recites it.

Not all The Beatles or Elvis Presley songs are great.

For every ‘As My Guitar Gently Weeps’ we have an ‘I want To Hold Your Hand.’ For every ‘If I Can Dream’ we have a ‘Teddy Bear.’ I am only doing two music examples as I’ll be here for ever.

So that has probably pissed off the delusional Beatles and Presley fans and now for the biggie!!

John Wayne did some terrible films. But it was whoever cast him in two that has me in hysterics every time I see them.

First off was him as Genghis Khan.

And I will leave you with the greatest terrible line in ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’

‘That man shoorley waz the saann of Gawwdd’

Hugh

(When my brother-in-laws mum died, the legend that is Mary Bell – At her funeral, the minister was telling a wee bit about her. She (Yes we are very forward thinking here in Scotland – The minister was a she. Pity she hadn’t been a lesbian too, just to bring the church roaring into the nineteenth century) stated that Mary loved Westerns, especially the films of James Wayne. I buckled – We must have been listening to the only person on the planet who would have got The Duke’s name wrong!)

9 thoughts on “Week 318 – A Sensitive No-Go Area, An Itch That Couldn’t Be Scratched And Jesus Body-Popping To ‘My Diane’ (He Nailed It)”

  1. Oh, why not get in trouble. I’ll bite.
    Something I have always found odd is all the hams that are baked on days designated to celebrate the birth and passing of a Jewish king. I find that sort of like selling Budweiser on Ramadan.
    Then we got Earth Day coming up on the 22nd. All the post modern hippies will drive their SUV’s to the park and plant saplings. Sometimes humankind reminds me of a party guest who doesn’t quite get the picture, even after you head upstairs for bed. Nature or God or both probably have an ironic demise in store for the world. Imagine an asteroid the size of Belfast and shaped like a “Peep” wriggled loose from the belt and aimed so it nails our Moon, by and by, thus causing it to smack the Earth into the “corner pocket of oblivion.” It counts for points if Jesus calls bank.
    Well, so much for heaven.
    LA

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      1. Hi Diane,
        You should have trimmed the image a wee bit more.
        How apt it would have been if there had been thirteen buns!
        I heard that Jesus wept on the cross when he realised what a notion he had for a Cream Egg!
        I’d hate to drink in hell. Due to my excessive sweating I’d need a cold lager with every hauf and not the first ten that I try and limit myself to!!
        Hugh

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      2. Well I never imagined you would count the buns but you make a good point. I can’t abide cream eggs – bleurgh – they are so sickly and I think they look grim with all that gooey filling. Mind I think Easter eggs are a rip off anyway – You only have to think about how much actual chocolate there is in most of them to see that and so often it’s cheap chocolate as well. But, they make people smile so that’s got to be a good thing. I have never imagined lager in hell – for me it always has to be stuff like Zambucka or Tequila etc.

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    1. Hi Leila,
      This might sound mad but I am actually respectful for people and their right to worship. One of the saddest day in mankinds history was when any place of worship had to be locked and there was no 24 hour access. If you want to go and have a wee pray, no-one should have caused this not to happen.
      I have never been to a Christening in my life as I’d find it disrespectful if I was there. (Mind you, I find it more disrespectful that you are signing the kid up for something that they should be able to choose when they have an understanding in what they are signing up for.)
      Apart from my problem with the total nonsense of it all, I find it hysterical if folks get upset with what I say. Surely that faith they have should see them through. They should never get angry or shocked if their belief is true and more importantly, personal to them.
      There is only one attribute I have that I really like and that is very few people can push my buttons. They can say how much belief they have and I’m fine with that. But if they get angry or righteous after they have asked for my thoughts – They can just fuck off!
      When most people ask for an opinion, they want to change it. I don’t, if I ask for an opinion, I am happy to hear a different one than mine. (Except for royalists – They are just fucking idiots and are lucky that they have never met a predator. Compliance is a very dangerous thing!)
      And I like the idea of a celestial pool tournament!
      ‘Let the world abort the bastard it bore!’
      Thanks as always!!
      Hugh

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    1. Hi Leila,
      I always worry about how some folks believe the TV. But it makes me smile to think that Tom Ellis may have changed a few folks perceptions of Auld Nick!
      Best book I have read regarding the argument between Heaven and Hell is ‘Memnoch – The Devil’ by Anne Rice.
      Hugh

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    1. Hi Marco,
      I will warn you, no zombie story has ever got past us!
      And when I see romance I have ‘NO!!’ screaming in my ear.
      And if you want to make it even more difficult, throw in some historical fiction as Diane is not keen. (That is an understatement! She’s worse than I am with romance!)
      That does bring up a point that both of us will admit, when I read romance and I love it (‘The Short Straw’ by Louisa Owen) or there is a Historical Fiction that Diane raves about – It really does say something about those stories. If we can read a genre that we don’t normally enjoy but do so, it shows how well the writer has done and how accessible their work is.
      Thanks as always!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

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