Week 263 – ‘Fucking Statistics’, Various ‘Fuck Offs’ And A ‘Fucking’ Joke. – Warning – Don’t read if you are offended by swear words – (Oh that may be a tad late if you’ve already read the title.)

Here we are at Week 263.

I’ve been wanting to do a feature on this subject for a very long time but every time I tried to write the post it sounded like a Chronic Tourette’s Sufferers Convention.

Hopefully this time, I have managed to put my ‘fucking’ point across.

I have been ridiculed a few times due to the profanity that I use so I decided to do a wee bit of research.

I promise this isn’t an excuse for me to swear a lot. I don’t really need one. But I have been thinking about this lately.

Some folks say that you don’t need to use swear words in a story and you don’t. If you are happy to write kids books or something that has a knitting pattern attached then you go for it.

But if you want a bit of reality in your work, sorry folks but the odd wee swear word or barrage needs to be used.

In Britain, 90% of men swear daily and 83% of woman. Of those swearers they average 14 swear words a day. So if you have 100 men and 100 women in your story (Let’s say it’s about a Clergy Meet and Greet – They meet and the weans greet!) and it is over a time scale of twelve hours then to be realistic you would need to have 1211 sweary words.

Now if it is good enough for the clergy then don’t be afraid to throw the odd ‘fuck’ into your story about Barney The Barley Sugar Rapper.

I honestly think swearing is one of two things.

Firstly, it is simply reactive. If you are suddenly hurt, angry, saddened etc, you lash out in some way and the most natural and healthy reaction is an emotional outcry of ‘FUCK!’

When you don’t emit a ‘FUCK’ you stew and get all ‘fucked up’ in a way that can only be described as ‘fucked up.’

Secondly, it is an outpouring of emotion.

Let’s take the phrase ‘Fuck off’ as an expression.

This depends on the situation and for every situation there is a different meaning and a different way of saying the same phrase.

 

-Your granny has died.

Fuck off! (I am sad.)

 

-You’ve won the lottery.

Fuck off! (I am ecstatic)

 

-I have won the lottery.

Fuck off! (Fuck you! I hate you)

 

-Donald Trump’s haircut is now in fashion.

Fuck off! (I don’t believe you)

 

-Should I leave?

Fuck off! (No. I really want you to stay)

 

-Should I fuck off?

Fuck off! (Yes. Off you should fuck)

 

These are only a few examples, there are many more.

What other phrase is so rich in meaning and expressive of emotion??

I despise watered down swearing as it’s completely pointless. A rose by any other name is still fucking jaggy.

Excrement isn’t very pleasant, so using ‘shit’ is more truthful than using that bastardisation cuteisim, of ‘Poo.’

Is there a Disney Film where the word ‘Poo’ is used?

If you say your kid is covered in poo it honestly doesn’t make it any more pleasant. I would ban this word from existence.

My Great ‘Uncle Chuck’ used the word ‘Bucking’. I asked him one day what was the point and he said that his priest wouldn’t let him say the word ‘Fucking’. He knew I wasn’t of any faith so he could swear at me all he wanted.

I hope I have cleared this up with a balanced ‘fucking’ argument.

Okay, onto the stories.

We had a returning author, a four timer, a legend and two new writers for your entertainment.

The topics this week include; Finding yourself, pirates, obsession, retribution and going back.

As always our initial comments follow.

 

First up was Penny Faircloth.

Priorities‘ was Penny’s fourth story for us.

‘Pretty deep. The person you are may not change but the circumstance around you is determined due to that specific time in your life.’

‘Complex and I appreciate the message.’

‘No matter what you take out of this, the story causes your own thoughts to niggle at you.’

 

On Tuesday, Tom Sheehan graced the site for what is now becoming an impossible target for any of us to reach.

There are many more to come from Tom but ‘Blue Glacier Beer‘ was his 109th story for us.

‘His madness and underlying bitterness was interesting to read.’

‘I think Tim Burton would take this on.’

‘This is a bit different for Tom but he can add ‘wonderfully weird’ to his many other accolades.’

 

Our returning author was Oliver Lavery. His second outing was ‘The Pirate Queen‘ which broke the back of the week.

‘A real bit of fun. Excellent ending!’

‘Beautifully judged – A Pirate story needs to be hammed up a bit.’

‘After reading this, I want to steal a parrot and drink some Blackheart.’

 

Our two new writers follow each other.

We welcome both James and Mike. We hope that they have a long association with us and that we see more of their work very soon.

James Hannan was next up. ‘When People Do Bad Things‘ was published on Thursday.

‘His reasoning was all from the internet and you can believe that happens as folks try to justify what they’ve done.’

‘The story made you feel fine for disliking him!’

‘A well written obnoxious character.’

 

And our last story of the week was ‘Violent Lives‘.

This was Mike Ventimiglia’s first story on the site.

‘Even with the violence, this is poetic and lyrical. That is a difficult thing to do.’

‘Great tone and clear emotion.’

‘The true reason for the killing was very well hidden.’

 

That’s another week over so get your bibles ready for Wednesday folks.

I think we’ve had an outbreak of shyness this week so please give us some more comments.

Have a go at the Sunday Re-Run – No-one will criticise. Just pick an older story that you’ve enjoyed, write a spiel or an introduction and throw in a few questions for the author. We’ll publish exactly what you send us.

 

Last thing on swearing – Fred McCauley is a Scottish Comedian who tells the story about being at a football match. The punter next to him had been insulting and criticising one of the players all game. He eventually ran out of patter so he came up with this gem:

…Fucking!

…Fucking!!

…Boo!!!

 

Hugh

 

Oh – If any of you reading this has found this post after trying to access some porn – Shame on you!!

***

Well – In fairness he did warn us. He warned us with an evil cackle but he warned us nonetheless. This is a funny one for me because though I write crime fiction I avoid the use of the very word referred to here. Partly because my dad used to read my stories and he would be upset – I know – a bit pathetic but that’s the way things are. For a long time I couldn’t even think it – then I went to live in the Middle East!!! I use expletives in my work but not that one. I know Hugh is right actually and it does water down the realism especially with the rougher characters in my stories. It will be interesting to read any comments on this post!! Now then – an image – oh bugger!!!!! – dd

8 thoughts on “Week 263 – ‘Fucking Statistics’, Various ‘Fuck Offs’ And A ‘Fucking’ Joke. – Warning – Don’t read if you are offended by swear words – (Oh that may be a tad late if you’ve already read the title.)

  1. To: the Offending Ed.
    From: The firm of Tedious, Witless and Turgid (aka, TWAT)
    Sirrah,
    For too many years my colleagues and I have suffered the unfair judging of the populace in regards where our acronym stands in the competition of unacceptable language. We always finish no better than fourth, thus we never mount the podium.
    Although we have no quarrel with our sister “CUNT” always being up on the steps, nor are we so arrogant to the degree that we deny “FUCK” his rightful place, but we are outraged when that profane hermaphrodite “MOTHERFUCKER” knocks us out of the bronze. After all, it has been proven that Motherfucker is nothing except Fuck on profane enhancing drugs–as is “COCKSUCKER” –but since you didn’t mention that oh so correctly named bastard, I can hardly go on a rant about him, now can I?

    Regarding usage, no one hear at TWAT denies Fuck’s ability to convey the eight articles of speech. But Motherfucker works only as a noun, where as TWAT is much more versatile: Imagine a dreary world in which “Twat’s a matter with you now, darling ?” cannot be said by a husband to his wife.

    In closing, we at TWAT are of the opinion that since you are such a fan of the F word that you must also be a Motherfucker man as well. We at TWAT are nothing without are specious assumptions, that is why we are Twats. Unless you want TWAT to tweet tewibble tings concerning your obvious infatuation with being a fucked cunty motherfucker, as well as a bit of a Twat-a-phobe, well then it’s game on MoFo.
    Incoherently Yours,
    Sir Fellatio Cornblower, President of TWAT and the third Earl of Fallen Beaver

    Like

    • Hi there Leila,
      Some may say that you shouldn’t have fun with profanity but they’ve probably never had any fun with anything!!!
      Billy Connolly always said that there is no substitute for ‘fuck’

      Thanks as always, you’ve made my day.
      Hugh

      Like

      • Hi Peter,
        Not at all.
        And I’m really glad you asked as I’ve just realised that I hadn’t replied to these.
        There was a warning on the title so if anyone got offended they shouldn’t have been reading in the first place!
        I never understand folks who complain about films or books or even music. If something is annoying you, stop reading or watching or listening.
        Thanks for the comments and for the nudge!!
        All the very best my friend.
        Hugh

        Liked by 1 person

  2. According to researchers who like to research things “…benefits of swearing include increased circulation, elevated endorphin, and serotonin levels, and an overall sense of calm, control, and well-being.” Hell, yeah!

    Like

    • Hi David,
      It’s great to see you around.
      Swearing is as therapeutic as alcohol and if you put them both together, you’ve really got something!
      But don’t swear whilst you are drinking as you spill it and that makes you swear more.
      Hope you are happy and well!
      Hugh

      Like

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