If you are reading this and know anyone who is wanting to submit, please pass this on:
WE DON’T ACCEPT CHILDREN’S STORIES.
We are getting so many submissions of what the writers believe to be cute, cuddly and of interest to everyone in the world due to them probably having their own kids.
The stories are not cute, not cuddly and are of no interest. They should tell the fecking stories to their own kids to give them a sugar rush of love and unrealistic pish. What they shouldn’t do is send them to us and give me nightmares.
Okay, I was thinking on world mysteries this week. Apart from why folks send us in children stories I was wondering:
How does a blind person clean up after their guide dog?
And why do they keep re-making films that should be left alone?
I saw ‘Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil And Vile’ this week which is the story about Ted Bundy. It wasn’t very good. There was a previous film ‘Bundy’ which was pretty crude. The best one I saw was ‘The Deliberate Stranger’ starring Mark Harmon. It was subtle and well rounded. It told the story and left the viewer to have their own thoughts and fill in the more unsettling parts.
My curiosity was first peaked by Mr Bundy when I heard a news report on the radio in 1989. It stated that there were sales of Bundy Burgers and a request for everyone to switch off their electricity when he was due to be electrocuted to give him an extra jolt. I did a bit of research then and learnt more about the sick fuck.
A year later I found Mr Bundy being part of my wedding – Well honeymoon to be exact.
We didn’t go on holiday but we just went here and there, had some meals out, caught up with folks. It was a very pleasant week. But on the last couple of days I saw that Gwen was getting a bit down. I was surprised that this had happened so quick – I reckoned she would have been OK for a fortnight before my continual companionship got to her.
Anyhow, I asked her what was wrong and was expecting a wish for a divorce as an answer but she stated that she was being forced to do public speaking when she went back to her work. The content had to be electrical.
Gwen has always had an interest in Serial Killers, I actually judge her for it. I suggested that she write her speech around a Killer. In my usual articulate manner I said ‘Fuck them!’ when she questioned the electrical content. I just thought that she was uncomfortable enough giving a speech without being dictated to about content.
So on the last day of our honeymoon, we sat drinking Bacardi and writing a ten minute speech on Mr Bundy.
I was over the moon when I found some electrical content. Gwen was a bit sceptical but she decided to go for it.
At the very end of her ten minute speech of murder, manipulation and deviation, there was the line:
…And with the help of 2000 volts of electricity…
We were grasping at straws but what the hell.
She managed to give the speech and came in last due to the lack of electrical content.
But she did get a mention as having the most interesting speech.
The moral of that story is a washing machine won’t kill you but it is a lot less interesting than Ted Bundy.
Onto this week’s stories.
We had an influx of four new writers and the ever present Mr Sheehan.
Topics included; Destruction, complexity, self-interest, a doppelgänger and a following.
First up was Tom Sheehan.
He continues to send us excellent stories. Monday’s was no different.
‘Why Demi-Gods Roam Alone‘ was his latest offering.
‘A master-class in engaging the reader.’
‘An intriguing story.’
‘Beautifully written and lyrical – Just what we’ve come to expect from Tom.’
To all our new writers, we welcome them, hope they have fun on the site and have a long association with us.
Martin Rosenstock was next up with, ‘ Mutla Ridge.’
‘This was powerful due to the description and the thinking back.’
‘I was hooked by this. I recognise places like these.’
‘Great tone, interesting characters and very real.’
On Wednesday, Kevin Koyce had his first story published.
‘A Coffee Shop Moment‘ broke the back of the week.
‘This is a brilliant piece of observation.’
‘The sad thing is how true this was.’
‘False and artificial and sadly ignorant of the fact – I enjoyed the cynicism.’
Sean Campbell was our next new writer.
His first story for us was ‘Guns‘ and this was published on Thursday.
‘The history is dark and complicated but it isn’t over-elaborated – The specific story is allowed to take centre-stage.’
‘Very well put together.’
‘Sean cleverly adds in snippets that makes you realise what is going on.’
And we finished off on Friday with our last new writer.
Thomas Howarth completed the week with ‘A Few Billion Leaves.‘
‘There is no judging towards the workers just facts and understanding.’
‘Supply and demand is the argument of the unscrupulous.’
‘Terrible content and very sad but this is a very well presented piece of work.’
Well that’s us for another week.
Just the usual reminders.
Please keep the comments coming – They keep the site alive.
And why not have a go at The Sunday Re-Run.
Just pick an older story that you have enjoyed, write a spiel or an introduction and throw in a couple of questions for the writer. We will print exactly what you send.
Back to the last two mysteries I was thinking on:
Why does a man have nipples?
I actually know this – The measurement between his nipples when halved is the point for the middle of his tie. This ensures that it is sitting perfectly on his torso.
And lastly –
What colour does a strangled Smurf become?
Diane has gleefully taken on this task.
Diane has a problem with Smurfs.
She insisted on setting them on fire after she throttled them.
Diane mixes Acetone and Gasoline for a very effective accelerant.
So the answer to the question of ‘What colour does a strangled Smurf become?’ is Ash-Grey.
Image – Taken whilst he was following Diane.
14 thoughts on “Week 241 – Ladybird, Bundy And Diane’s Fire Accelerant For Perfect Smurf Colourisation.”
Is that why you turned down my heart warming story “Joey’s First Potty”? You bozos have no taste.
Read a book on serial killers. Learned they are nothing new, they are just more recognized and publicized now. Women usually kill for money, men because they have bad wiring. In times past they were welcomed into armies and fought with god on their side. The common thread for most serial killer is no close person who offers love and support. I think that Bundy’s mother was a woman he thought was a sister for most of his youth, but otherwise had a normal home life.
Wish I had time to read all of two of my Brit faves LS and FOTW. My problem in part is my success (relative term) getting published several places and not having time to read all of them, write and breathe.
We have had a few potty stories and the best way I could describe them is – Think what goes in the potty.
Regarding serial killers, it is a very unsettling thought to think that we may have never heard about the most ‘successful’ one!
Thanks as always Doug – It’s great to see you around the site.
Bundy and I are from the same city, attended the same college and probably walked the same streets. Why some consider him good looking is beyond me. The dude looked frat boy crazy in his bottomless dead eyes, in every image I see of him. Mom was very young when he started up. Cops had his first name, car make and a pretty good description, but he ran free for years. Go figure. I like my Smurfs charred on the outside and Smurfiliciously moist inside.
Maybe I should have kept the last part clear of a psycho killer.
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ireneallison12 – Going cruising on the West Coast from your town in a week. I’ll wave when I’m in Seattle. Odd Bundy fact (if old man memory serves). He was on a suicide hotline along with Ann Rule, the eminent true crime writer. She never suspected him at the time. He was good at sociopathy.
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My stellar reply is with Hugh’s post.
Saw you on FOTW. For some reason the comment section refuses my device. That Fish site is very good. Glad to see that you are on it.
I think there are similar circumstances with Peter Sutcliffe – The Yorkshire Ripper, his name had came up a few times but wasn’t acted on.
I know a fellow, Jim, whose dad was a lorry driver and used to take him with him when he was travelling down south. He told me once that they were in a transport cafe and all the guys were yapping back and forth and there was one fellow sitting alone. Jim asked his dad why and he replied, ‘That’s Peter, he’s a freak.’
You never know who you are sitting next to!!
Thanks as always!!
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I saw one of those “true crime” shows about that ripper. What a dangerous piece of shit that guy is. TV never can find actors deranged enough looking for the crazy pants lead. Steve Railsback was a good Manson; Mark Harmon is a very good actor, but way too good looking for Bundy.
Gwen’s audience probably wondered watt in the world Bundy had to do with electricity, but then they were shocked by the ending.
What do you make of that, Ohms?
Ah, Watson, electric current will be a force that enhances the future, a force for the good.
Not for Bundy, though.
Watson you listen but don’t hear. Bundy had the capacity for evil, he had a reluctance to the current laws.
You’ve lost me ,Ohms.
Come man, let’s visit the Wheatstone Bridge, we’ll meet Voltaire.
I see Ohms, a light bulb moment.
Love the skit!
Oh and I hadn’t thought about ohms since O’ Grade Physics. And to be perfectly honest – I didn’t think much about it then. (You can replace ‘think’ for ‘understand’)
Thanks as always – Its a pleasure to read your comments!!
All the very best my friend.
Yep they didn’t know watt was going on so they didn’t volt for her.
Thanks as always my friend!!!
I will happily wave to Mr. Hawley. The weather is holding, hopefully for long. I read Rule’s book. Fascinating
Oh, my dear Henson…watt can I add. Hope they washed Old Sparky after volting Bundy off the Universe.
Indeed, most people are fascinated by serial killers. It’s a fascination from fear I believe. A healthy fear. The thing with Bundy, he was like the guy next door, and if the guy next door can be a serial killer, well that’s terrifying. Here in Canada we had Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. A very charming and good looking couple. Talks on the psychopath and serial killer subject are indeed very interesting, I’ve been to many, and was paid well for it! I like children’ stories, particularly the “Brothers Grimm” …. kids in those long ago days grew up fast and needed some advice about dangers, what to fear and how to be in the face of those fears. In those tales, good looking people were good and ugly looking people were bad. With the exception of “Beauty and The Beast” but I don’t think thats a Grimm. Anyway, all very Interesting.
I have a great love for Grimm. They wrote about simpler times.
If your kid disappointed you, you ate them.
And if your wife died, you married your daughter.
There are a few villages in Scotland where these two rules still apply!!
Thanks as always for your involvement in the site.
All the very best my friend.