He looked around. It was dark but there were a few lights on the bridge. He stood in the middle and peered over the side, down into the water. The night was still and the smell of the trees and moss made him smile. The countryside always had that effect on him, this was as good a place as any.
He decided to take one shoe off, that would fuck up those who tried to understand, if there were any. He thought about having one last wank and ejaculating into the shoe just to give them something else to think about but he hadn’t been able to get it up since 2007. And his impending death really didn’t help him get wood.
“In the wood, with no wood, eventually feeling wood at my elbows!”
He laughed as he took off his shoe.
He swung around and saw the little man coming towards him. He climbed onto the first rung of the iron cladding.
The fellow stopped and held up his hands.
“Fucking chill. I don’t give a flying shit about you. I’m certainly not wanting to come near you while you are thinking about tossing yourself off into your shoe.”
Oscar frowned, “How..how did you know that?”
“I know lots of things. Do you want me to tell you why you want to kill yourself?”
He felt his face redden, “…N…No”
“You know I know! Good. This could save me some time.”
He walked a few yards onto the bridge.
“Who are you?”
“You’re nobody’s mug, you know fine well who I am.”
Oscar wished he had ate boiled eggs rather than soup.
“…Come on, this doesn’t happen! You’re not. You can’t be.”
“I am. It does! You are in a stereotypical deal with the Devil. Fuck me gently! You’ve read the stories, seen the films. Some of them were actual events. Daniel Webster was a cunt. I think Pacino did me justice. His eyes are even darker than mine. But not as dreamy and mischievous”
He slumped down.
“Put your shoe on son, your foot isn’t that fragrant. I’ve heightened senses. There’s powder for that!”
Oscar’s mind was racing. He thought about how this could be. He thought about why he was here, he wanted to give up thinking.
“You said you don’t give a shit about me so why are you talking to me?”
“I would have been talking to you anyway if you had jumped off that bridge. The Catholics are right about the suicidal going to Hell but not for the reason that they think. Absolution has replaced conscience and threat of me. Thankfully, that’s why I don’t get so many paedophiles now-a-days.
They are so fucking boring. They either talk about politics, God or chunky jewellery. Fuck me, once that other fucker dies I’ll be listening to ‘Two Little Boys Had Two Little Toys’ and both of them was his cock.”
Oscar jumped down onto the bridge and straightened himself up, “…You’re not saying that I am…”
“I told you Dickhead, I know why you are killing yourself. And please stop making me think about that…It makes me feel quite sick!”
Oscar wanted the conversation to move on quickly.
“Why did you stop me then?”
“I didn’t. You’re still on the bridge and the water is deep enough with some mental currents. Fucking go for it my man, I’m not stopping you.”
He fingered at his shoe and glanced over the side again.
“….Hah!!! I’m only lying, it’s what I do! I have a proposition for you.”
Oscar stared at him. There was something familiar that he couldn’t quite place.
“Why should I accept?”
The Devil scratched his chin, not to make him look evil, he just had a touch of psoriasis.
“Because it will then give you the choice with no consequence. Fuckface upstairs can have you. I’ll not take you if you still want to kill yourself.”
“Can you do that?”
“…Poke my hole! Of course I can. He / She / It – That’s got you guessing! Takes my sloppy seconds.
I’m owed too many favours because of me clearing up after the boys mess. I quite like the daft young cunt to be truthful and I don’t mind taking the blame for a lot of his fuck-ups but I still like to be owed.”
“…So what do you want if you don’t want my soul?”
“Especially a soggy wanked on one!!!! Get it!!! Soul not sole!!!!”
“I get it.”
“I’m the fucking Devil, I would laugh if I was shoe!! Hah!!!”
“Really, do you want a sympathy laugh?”
“…Tread carefully young man. Fuck!! Tread!!! Shoes!! I can’t help myself. I’m a riot!
…OK, I’ve already hinted at something, I like films so I need some help and am hoping that you will oblige.”
Oscar wasn’t sure whether he should ask.
“What is it you want me to do?”
“It’s simple. There’s no risk. A bit of conscience maybe but even that is in the balance. I will not explain that. Not unless you do what I ask.”
He was in too deep not to listen, “…Go on.”
“I will transport you back in time, cause I can do that type of thing, to a house. I want you to lift the kid and I will then transport you to another place and I want you to swap the children. That’s it.”
“Won’t someone realise?”
“There’s only four days of a difference and they look quite similar so no fucker will notice. Why am I explaining this to you? You just do what you’re told and I’ll continue not giving a fuck.”
Oscar swallowed hard, “So this would be a deal with the Devil?”
“Not really, I’m not taking your soul so it would be a no deal with The Devil.”
“Hang on, that’s still a deal.”
The Devil scratched his chin again, this time because he was thinking.
“You’re right. So it will. Ok then a Deal, No Deal With The Devil.”
“Fuck! That’s it! You look like Noel Edmunds!”
The Devil bowed his head, “Don’t you dare mention the Master’s name!!”
“Never mind. I’ve said too much!”
He bowed again.
Oscar shook his head, “If I do this, will I have a wonderful life?”
“In the fucking name of fucking fuck! Don’t get me started on that! Look, I’ve told you, if you’re not happy, do what I ask, then you can kill yourself and go to fucking Heaven if that’s what you want.”
“What’s it like?”
“Give me strength! I’ve not been asked that before. You do realise that I do sarcasm? OK, here is my analogy. Heaven is the feeling you get when she lifts her arse up and lets you hook your thumbs on her knickers to pull them down. Limbo is the hardon minutes or hours before that wondering if she will let you. And Hell, well that is pulling her skants down and then seeing she has a full set…Big cock, hairy balls.”
“Then heaven is like good sex?”
“Not really, it was only my take. The alternative is what makes it all relative.”
“I don’t understand.”
The Devil twiddled his fingers, “I’m being all mysterious and evil. Just indulge me for fuck sake.”
Oscar thought for a second, “Who are the babies?”
“Does it matter to you?”
“Well considering you were just about to top yourself, I don’t think it’s worth any consideration.”
“How will I know them?”
“Fuck me! They will be in a crib or whatever right in front of you.”
“What if I get caught?”
He pointed at his face, ‘Hello…I’m the Devil!!!”
“Then there’s no danger to me?”
“Well the wee fuckers may shit on you. Projectile vomiting could also be an issue…Ahh! Projectile vomiting, I should have just possessed you…Fun days.”
Oscar pointed, “That’s a question, why don’t you do this yourself?”
“I’m not allowed to alter anything. But as in most of religious doctrine, there is a loophole. If I can persuade someone to do my bidding, then that’s acceptable. You see, old Godbollocks is so arrogant they reckon that you human tits would be too scared to listen to me. That’s how I came up with the idea of offering you Heaven, I’m a fucking genius. I’m not called ‘Lord Of Persuasion’ for nothing.”
“I didn’t know that you were.”
The Devil shrugged, “I’m not really, I’m just putting it out there to try and get it going. It’s better than Lord Of The Flies. That’s just shit.”
Oscar thought for a second, “How long have I got to think about this?”
“You have eternity.”
“No! Have you fuck! Tell me now you prick, I want this done…Come on…Chop chop!”
He thought about why he was in this situation. He wondered about the whole Heaven and Hell scenario. Was he honestly being given a chance to…
“Fuck the inner dialogue, I’ll count to three! Are you in? One…Two…”
“Right. It’ll take seconds. Just lift the first kid, then I’ll move you to the other place and swap them, then I’ll take you back and you put the second kid in the first ones bed thing…Understand?”
“Yes. What if I change my mind?”
“Well you know about the hot poker up the arse scenario that all you humans joke about? It won’t be a fucking joke and I won’t wait until you are dead before I start…You said yes so that is The Deal No Deal. Done and dusted, no swapsies!”
Oscar shut his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed to change things drastically and this was as drastic as he could get.
“Alright, I’m ready.”
“One last thing, you will recognise the names on the babies birth certificates but don’t let it faze you or I will be stoking metal and accessing lava lubricant!”
“Have I to bring them too?”
“Fuck no! I’ve only done it for dramatic effect.”
Oscar found himself standing in front of a crib in a room lit by a coal fire. He glanced at the name as he lifted the kid. The certificate flew into the fire.
“What the fuck?”
Charles Spencer Chaplin.
He was now standing in another room, it was colder and looked even poorer.
He saw the name but thought of the anal roasting and swapped the babies.
Just as the devil said, he was transported back and he put the child in the first crib. He felt himself being whisked away.
The Devil was waiting for him.
“You did well.”
Oscar looked around. There was no countryside, just skyscraper after skyscraper.
“Why did you bring me here?”
“You’re back to where you started. What do you think I am? A fucking taxi service?”
He looked into the distance, it all looked like city.
“But this isn’t the country side.”
“There’s no countryside now, with all those lives saved, there are a few more folks in the world.”
Oscar thought he understood. How could he have done this? He fell to his knees and raised his hands.
“You utter Bastard! Is that why you did this, to drown the world! Fuck the planet so you would reign supreme! Oh Jesus we are all destined for Hades! My God, God almighty! Please undo the thing what I have done!! Forgive me Father!”
The Devil shut his mouth.
“For fuck sake, get over yourself! Calm down you maniac! You’re being all embarrassing. This was nothing to do with me being evil. This is the simple outcome of stopping a war. There is some good that has happened and some bad. There are good people saved and bad people saved. That’s fucking life old champion! It always has been no matter what.”
Oscar calmed and The Devil un-shut his mouth. He stood up.
“So why did you want me to swap Hitler with Chaplin?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
The Devil handed him an old newspaper.
“…I hated the kid.”
THE NEW WORLD NEWS
Headlines This Week – 30th April 1945:
– Adolf Hitler stars in his funniest film yet.
‘Crystal Night’ is a hysterical romp about a man who smashes windows of Austrian Businesses.
– The Serial Killer Charlie Chaplain was Gang Raped to Death in prison last night.
One con said, ‘He was a horrible little man who hated everyone. He picked on a few of the wrong gay guys slagging off their handlebars so he got it in the bunker.’
– Fred Trump just keeps building!
Image – Pixabay