I’m getting this out the road this week and I’ll try and be nice next week!
I’ve avoided it for a while but the ‘C’ word is coming and not the ‘C’ word that I am comfortable with.
This week I’ve thought about Jesus, since it was alleged that he was born around this time of the year.
So fuck it I thought, why not ask the questions that nobody does? You’ll never get any of these answers in Christmas Carols.
1. What type of Birth did Mary have. (Fuck me, I don’t even know if that is the correct terminology.) Did she shit herself? Was she standing? Or was it a trough birth?
2. When the Messiah was born did he go straight for her tit, shit himself or sing ‘Away In A Manger’?
3. Was Joseph one of those New Age or would that be Old Age Fathers and be present at the birth? Or was he told like many men in that situation to ‘Fuck Off!!!’ by his virginal wife.
4. What right had Mary to tell Joseph to ‘Fuck Off!!!!’ Can you not just hear how that went – ‘Woooohhhhahhh!! I’ll never let you near me again!!’
– ‘I was never near you the first time.’
5. And yep, lets consider the conception. God created everything so I think rohypnol may have been one of his firsts. If not, well, sorry folks but Mary was maybe not as virginal as first thought.
6. And Did God have to pay some sort of Child Maintenance?
You may think I am being a bit blasphemous, but surely these are the questions that people want answered!
I may be being a bit harsh in all things biblical. But there is a reason for that and not just because it’s all shite. I made a tit of myself by trying to pass on the only nice religious idea that I’ve ever heard:
I read somewhere that since Eve was made from Adam’s rib, that meant for every man in the world, there is a woman who is a part of him. I thought that was quite lovely and have told that to so many people. I shared it again this week to my work mate. It doesn’t quite have the same message when told to a lesbian. I try to be nice and all religious and my thoughts are fucked.
The only way that I could save face was to state, ‘Aye and that’s how we know that the bible is homophobic!’
Maybe the bisexuals are the link to that idea? No wonder Priests are confused.
Now if I have offended anybody, I don’t apologise. If God made me, he made my outlook so don’t get angry with me, get angry with your maker who has put all these thoughts in my head!
Anyone who has read these posts may realise that one of my biggest hates in life is adverts. I do think people who make them should be flogged and hit with big sticks. Christmas adverts are even more annoying and rage inducing. We have one with a fucking carrot. I hate the bastard. I want to grate it and all its family into a pot and make them into soup.
We also have one with a horrible child who is dressed up as a star. Her mother looks on proudly as she begins to sing and find her voice. She is raised to the top of the Christmas Tree as her mother wipes away a tear. I need to wipe away tears! Many of them!! There is only so much sentimental shite that I can watch without getting emotional…Oh and not in a good way. In a nasty, evil, wishing all involved anal leakage way. Would they want to raise the wee shit monster above the stage then?
I need a few happy pills and a lot of whisky to get me through the next few weeks.
OK, onto the stories.
We had no less than four new writers and a resident genius.
Our topics this week include; a stray, an irritation, a barn, two lovers and old age.
As always our initial comments follow.
Jamie Sheffield was our first new writer.
We hope that he has a long association with us.
‘Sheltered‘ began the week.
‘The last line was excellent.’
‘This is a really good piece of storytelling.’
‘Awwwww YES!’ (That is probably not the most insightful comment but it really summed up the feeling!)
On Tuesday we had Muzna Mazhar with her first story ‘The Nail In The Coffin.’
We hope that all our new writers enjoy their time on the site.
‘This tapped into a very common fear.’
‘A freaky and claustrophobic story.’
‘Disturbing and unsettling.’
And the débutantes just kept coming. Mark Mayes broke the back of the week with ‘The Chocolate Room.‘
‘There were snippets that made you consider and remember.’
‘This was really moving. The sense of hopeless desperation and sadness was palpable.’
‘The realism makes it for me.’
On Thursday, Mr Tom Sheehan graced us yet again with his excellent work.
‘Talk From Tim’s Barn‘ was next up.
‘Beautifully lyrical…I think I have said that a few times with Tom’s work.’
‘Tom’s respect of the past and the whole social history of it is infectious.’
‘This is so well drawn, I could smell the hay.’
And we finished on Friday with another newster.
Michael McCarthy’s first short for us was ‘The Night Of The Haunted.’
We look forward to seeing more stories from all our new authors.
‘Michael got quite a bit of atmosphere into this.’
‘There was violence overlaid with affection.’
I’ll try and finish with something positive about Christmas, so I will give you my top three Christmas films.
Third – ‘Scrooged’.
Bill Murray getting the shit kicked out of him by a toaster wielding fairy is hilarious
The story about her dad dying and being in the chimney is beyond brilliant!
First – ‘The Exorcist’.
All kids should piss the carpet when adults get around a piano!
Usual reminder about The Sunday Re-Run. All we need is a suggestion of an older story that you enjoyed with a wee spiel and we will put it up on the site.
And one last thing. We will be posting up to Christmas and will then be on holiday up to the 14th January. You are still more than welcome to send us in your work over that time, and we will get back to you when sobriety allows!
Banner Image: Oh my word, with Hugh in such a lighthearted and festive mood I was spoiled for choice!! DD