I read this week that the average Britain would eat ½ tonne of breakfast cereal in their lifetime. You may think that’s excessive but when you realise what a drug problem we have and how your average chemically dependant person can only really digest cereal, it all begins to make sense. But to be fair, with what they spend on cereal, they save on toilet paper as smack bungs them up. If you can overlook the blood-spray on the walls, you normally find that an addicts toilet is surprisingly clean!
We once were a hardy nation who started the day with porridge, we now have a heroin nation who starts the day with Coco-Pops.
Spending habits have changed and this has all to do with need and supply. One of the shops that’s been in Ayr for over forty years is closing its doors. This is nothing new as so many old established local businesses are gone but the reason that I mention this one is because it was a stationers. We now all type and email or get our supplies from a ‘Pound Shop’ or the internet. I would love to say that I’ve always taken a stance but I haven’t. Personal economics fucks up local economics. There are not many people who have the financial means to have principles.
We all moan about the state of our High Streets and then are relieved at how much ‘Amazon’ has saved us. It’s inverted selling out! I wonder if Amazon is named after the rainforest that their packaging need destroys??
I loved a stationers. I used to have an attic room where I would draw on the walls. I had ‘The Fat Slags’, ‘Scooby Doo’, ‘Psycho Derek, Beau, Dennis, Egon, Garfield, vultures and God having a wank to name but a few. I went into that stationers to buy small pots of enamel to paint them. I also got my brushes and pens from there. All those years ago, when I realised how much cheaper a ream of paper was in the supermarkets was probably where it all started. More and more noticed. Then the pound shops, then the internet. I suppose in the last ten years, the death knell has been there for many shops.
Bookshops are dying. In fact books are dying. We can all publish on the internet now and that has a whole range of outcomes, not all of them bad but not all of them good either.
We can embrace technology and change but when you get to a certain age, the death of all that you knew begins to make you feel as redundant as a Draper or a Cooper!
I don’t think it would be so bad if we were left with some old pubs where we could smile and blush at our memories but these are closing quicker than a nuns legs in a dildo factory. We’re left with soulless places where they are more interested in selling you a microwaveable steak pie than selling you fourteen pints. * (My liver has always been a bit of a masochist.) They embrace children into what was once a totally adult environment and you get more arguments about your language in front of the children than the football scores. The wee fuckers shouldn’t be near a pub! That’s what McDonalds are for!!
I wonder how many children read our site. If they do, their parents should be ashamed / proud. I will not ride that loaded parental pony!!!!!!!
So onto this weeks stories. We had two new folks and three old friends.
Our topics this week included horror, a lie detector, paranoia, agoraphobia, addictions and OCD to name but a few.
As always our initial comments follow.
On Monday we had Mr Fred Foote with his 31st story for us. He began the week with ‘Don’t Look Back.’
‘Fred shows such a tight hold on the word count and every one of them counts.’
‘There’s blood thirsty and then there’s this!!’
‘Graphic and atmospheric – Fred’s trademark!!’
Our first new author was published on Tuesday. We welcome Karen Shepherd and hope she has more for us very soon. ‘Under Cypresses‘ was our second of the week.
‘I knew as soon as I began to read this that I wanted it on the site.’
‘A super story about a haunting and fear and courage and I guess love in the end!’
‘Surreal and dream like.’
Next up was another newster. Amiel Rossin had their story ‘Legs‘ break the back of the week.
As well as asking for more work, we hope that both our débutantes have fun and are happy to be part of Literally Stories.
‘Whether or not she was a sociopath probably depends on your thoughts on the horror element! – Interesting!!’
‘To be honest Amiel had me at ‘Jesus dust’!
‘More than slightly mad and all excellent!!’
We have a few pure gentlemen around the site so it was a pleasure for us to set up Dave Henson with his 8th story for us. ‘A Start‘ was next up on Thursday.
‘Really finely tuned piece of writing!’
‘The thought process didn’t really make sense – But that was the point!!’
‘This was really a heart-breaker!’
And last up on Friday was the perceptive pen of Mr James Hanna. James had his 9th story for us published. ‘Deceptive‘ finishing off the week.
‘This caught my interest as soon as I realised the polygraph test was for an interview.’
‘I like a bit of comeuppance!’
‘The expectations of the control questions were thought provoking.’
*I just wanted to mention the three best ever pub challenges ever that have no violence or nudity!
For the first one, really only attempt if you are very stupid. This is a challenge for the Real Ale Drinkers.
The second is for the intellectuals, they will probably be drinking G&Ts.
And the third is only for the zany! (Or really, really stupid!) They’ll be drinking cocktails and talking about bungee jumping.
1. Drink four pints of Guinness in eight minutes.
This is very easy but the problem is Biology. Your body doesn’t want to swallow and keep four pints of Guinness in eight minutes. It normally emphasises its displeasure by showing you the Guinness once again all over your own shoes!
2. Construct a sentence that makes sense and has the word ‘and’ repeated five times in a row. Oh and stuttering isn’t allowed!
Any answers will be very interesting and normally cause an argument!
3. Eat a scoop of ice cream in one go.
This is easy for a second. Then your teeth are in agony. The roof of your mouth burns. The ice-cream headache is a perverted relief until the freeze burn kicks in all the way down your oesophagus. And then you vomit.
I would never suggest you try these. Even the second challenge as I saw a guy get glassed because he wouldn’t accept ‘You asked me to make a sentence out of ‘and and and and and.’
I think the glassee had a point against the glassed! Oh and that sentence isn’t an acceptable answer unless you want mutilating!!!!
Banner Image: Pixabay.com
Oh How hard I looked for an image of a nun’s legs in a dildo factory but the mighty internet let me down – Sigh – Diane