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Week 338 – Time And Motion Has Never Been For Me, Loads Of Words And Huge Testicles.

And here we are at Week 338

First question for anyone who would like to answer – I was wondering, do any of you actually make time for writing either each day or even a few days of a week?

Continue reading “Week 338 – Time And Motion Has Never Been For Me, Loads Of Words And Huge Testicles.”
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Week 381 – John Miles, Miss Anderson And Diocalm Is The Saviour.

Here we are at week 381.

Everyone thinks this was Barry…See title!

‘Booze was my first love.

And it will be my last.

Booze for the future.

And booze of the past.’

Depending on your outlook you may think that is a lot of pish.

It isn’t!

And yep, I bastardised the song…..So did Barry!

But what I would say is we all have ways of handling things and no matter what, no matter how fucking destructive, we handle things in the way that we do.

For me, booze and writing are what keep me sane but you need to realise what it does for you.

The mad thing is if you write whilst really being emotional there is a lot of raw creativity there.

Is that a good thing for you as is….Who knows???

I think trying to write emotion when not feeling or having felt it, is very difficult. A reader can spot lack of knowledge, experience or sincerity a mile away. That is why a lot of YA writing is only suited to that audience. They have a different outlook that isn’t always backed up with experience. There’s nothing wrong with that if that naivety is the focus. No writer can wing things that the reader has had more exposure to and expect it to be credible.

We also get a lot of writers who do try to write about addictions, prostitution and all those harrowing topics that should only be left to those who know or have been affected. (Or the writer has done a shit load of research with those who know or have been affected and they have LISTENED.)

Dave Henson states that he likes reading these posts as there are a few tips throughout on what we are looking for. So here’s another one for those who need it. (Not you Dave!!) If you take on these subjects, really pay attention to the dialogue that you use. Never anywhere in the world would you hear something like –

‘Gosh this heroin is good.’

I’m not saying that we have had that exact line but we’ve had a lot like it.

I reckon if I read the word ‘Gosh’ anywhere in a submission, it will be a straight red card from me!

I’d also like to address the ‘perturbed’, those are the folks that send us a passive aggressive email after we have sent them a refusal. (And they have also probably used the word ‘Gosh’ in their story) If this makes you feel better, you go for it, we really don’t mind and we do understand. But I reckon that you’d be better to take that passive aggressiveness, turn it into full blown anger, get drunk, swear the real swear words and try to write something else – It may surprise you how it turns out!!

Okay Doaky Mrs Coaky, I’ve a herring in my socks…Everyone should read Kettle and Christine’s ‘Beau Peep’, now onto this week’s stories.

We had four new writers and a man who has had more stories than four of most writers!

Not really sure if that makes sense but I know that you’ll know what I mean.

To our new folks, we welcome them, hope that they have fun on the site and most importantly, we want to see more of their work!

As always our initial comments follow.

Strangely enough, the start of the week was Monday (Unless you work for your local authorities and for whatever fucking twisted reason, they start on a Sunday – There must be a financial gain for them in some way!) and we had our first new writer, Anmitra Jagannathan with ‘Autumn Eyes Lost, Autumn Eyes Found.’

‘The MC has a fine quiet voice.’

‘The tone and emotion are very well done.’

‘There is a lovely quirkiness to some of the phrasing.’

Chitra Gopalakrishnan was our next débutante with ‘Bulls And Blood, Line And Lineage.’

‘This made me smile’.

‘A bit different.’

‘The delivery was perfect for the location and setting.’

There is no introduction needed for the gentleman who broke the back of the week. All I need to say is ‘Burial Of A Dark Charger’ by Tom Sheehan was next up.

‘The POV and setting were interesting.’

‘This was touching.’

‘Tom doing what Tom does.’

Thursday was after Wednesday, it normally is and we had David Patten with ‘Volunteer.’

‘This is very strong.’

‘Great flow all the way through.’

‘This says plenty without passing judgement.’

And we finished up on Friday with Fang-Liu House by Sonny Chen.

‘This was like one of those surreal dreams.’

‘Some good weirdness in this.’

‘Strange but there is nothing wrong with a bit of strange now and again.’

And now for the usual ending guys.

Really sorry but there are things that need to be re-iterated. If we keep chipping away by reminding, maybe one day it will stick.

Please comment. Not commenting makes the devil happy and jesus have diarrhoea. He’s had that much jollop, he is more medication than figment.

And cheers Dave (Three mentions in the one posting!!!) for sending in a Re-Run. Follow his example folks and send in a spiel for an older story that you’ve enjoyed. Throw in a few questions and we’ll publish what you send us word for word. (Try not to use ‘Gosh’ as I would be in a state of conflict!!)

Just to finish.

Many folks have been quoted as saying sport and politics should never mix.

That is a fair and noble idea.

But I do think that the LIV golfers will have caused this ideal to be thrown up in the air and I think this debate will grow more legs. (Maybe those legs will run away with a lot of sponsorship??)

I have my own thoughts but no matter what, I’d put them beside our royals, chancellor, cabinet to name but a few, in a list I like to call –

How much fucking money do you really need?!!!


…Not that anyone asked!!

The answer to The Cringe on my last Saturday Post:

He said – ‘Buff my low sole chair.’ (Buffalo Soldier)

Well Hugh – my guess wasn’t that far out at that 🙂 dd

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Week 380- Doctor, Doctor Please; The Week That Is and Hey Could You Play Another Someone Diseased Somebody Wrong Song?

It Hurts When I Do That…

Everyone has a touch of hypochondria in them. I have more than a fair share; for me the constant certainty that I am dying began in the third grade.

Our teacher, Mrs. West, assigned desks in alphabetical order. With an “A” surname not only did I usually set the bar for futility in P.E. (for I was and remain as athletic as a cactus), but when the subject was arranged-seating, I’d be in the first row, close to, if not in front. For five years (until her family relocated to California after the fifth grade) I could count on Veronica Allen to be seated in front of me. Ronnie and I were friends because I made her look like Wonder Woman when we had to fall in line for chin-ups in second grade (she sort of did one, then I began my athletic career as The Reliable Zero–I considered it my way of making the other kids feel better about themselves).

Continue reading “Week 380- Doctor, Doctor Please; The Week That Is and Hey Could You Play Another Someone Diseased Somebody Wrong Song?”
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Week 379 – Site Stats., Extraterrestrial Monikers And I’d Even Grudge The Cost Of A BB With A BB Gun.

We receive a lot of Science Fiction and we’ve addressed the names used in our guidelines. (For any new submitters who don’t know that there are guidelines or can’t be arsed reading them, this is a moot point!)

Continue reading “Week 379 – Site Stats., Extraterrestrial Monikers And I’d Even Grudge The Cost Of A BB With A BB Gun.”
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Week 377 – Slothful Penmanship, ‘Infamy, Infamy… They’ve All Got It Infamy’ And A Hotel That Would Do Shit On Trip Advisors Ratings (Or Maybe Not!)

There are some forms of writing that I can’t understand. It is close to being double standards but is not. Maybe if it was in the same story then I could say that.

Well that is as vague as a vague thing on Vague Day.

Continue reading “Week 377 – Slothful Penmanship, ‘Infamy, Infamy… They’ve All Got It Infamy’ And A Hotel That Would Do Shit On Trip Advisors Ratings (Or Maybe Not!)”
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Week 375 – What’s Wrong With Tom Brown? Squealing Like A Pig And It’s Refreshing For An MP To Be Watching Adult Porn.

Week 375 is upon us.

My turn once again after the brilliance of Leila and Daisy’s problem page!!!

I have an update!

Continue reading “Week 375 – What’s Wrong With Tom Brown? Squealing Like A Pig And It’s Refreshing For An MP To Be Watching Adult Porn.”
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Week 373 – The Difference Between Stories And Songs, No Place For ‘Whistling Jack Smith’ And What The Fuck Will We Be Writing About?

Leila and her lists are killing me!!

I am also a list lover.

So from that I’ve thought about one thing that saddens me about a story compared to a song…A song can make you smile straight away, a story, well you need to get into the crux of it. To be fair though, the ending of a story is better, a lot better, than a few beats of a drum.

Continue reading “Week 373 – The Difference Between Stories And Songs, No Place For ‘Whistling Jack Smith’ And What The Fuck Will We Be Writing About?”
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Week 371 – Glued Wimps, ‘DNR’ For Bjorn And A Miniscule Fud As 007!

If we go by past weeks, Leila will be doing the post next week, which means, I want to mention something this week, that, if I was doing this post next week, I would have mentioned it then.

Easter is creeping up on us, just like that crazy cat Judas did to a Roman before he whispered into his ear. I don’t think he won ‘Friend of the year’ that year. Anyhow it has struck me how there aren’t many religious things in the shops. There are plenty of tacky bonnets to put on your poor old demented granny. (I still believe that should be classed as a form of abuse!) And there are loads of ‘Easter toys’ which have fuck all to do with Easter. Now-a-days, wee Johnny and Jeannie don’t get a Jesus action figure that when his side is squeezed, he bleeds from his hands and feet (Red syrup not included) they get a Paw Patrol or Peppa Pig play centre…How very Christian!

I’m thinking on organising a market stall and going to The Philippines next week to see if I can sell any of that job lot of ‘No More Nails’ that I acquired, just in case those Snowflake Millennials want a go.

…Supply and demand guys!

Anyhow onto this week’s posting number 371.

You don’t really need courage to take on some subjects, you just need to be true to the subject.

In these times of ‘Trigger Warnings’ that become a fecking half page list, the PC brigade and The Enraged, I reckon a lot of writers fear what subjects they take on. Do you know that ‘The Enraged’ get sexually aroused when they see that there will be plenty for them to be enraged about after they have read every word!

I’m not too clear if they realise what being sexually aroused is. Well not with other people.

If you have ever had this fear after writing a story my simple piece of advice is don’t be!!

If the attitudes, opinions and situations are all about the characters then you have no need to worry.

I’ve mentioned this before and we had a discussion a few weeks back that has made me re-think this. I did and am still happy with that sort of reasoning.

In one of the hostels where I worked, there was a trainer who really did know his onions. He was a Mental Health Professional and was probably one of the most knowledgeable, genuine and level headed guys that I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. He insisted that we all have our bigotries, hidden or otherwise. We all have our preferences, hidden or otherwise and we all have our fears and insecurities, hidden or otherwise. He stated that this is what makes us human and what makes us a good person is knowing how to manage these.

I know that a helluva lot of folks would be outraged at that statement and would deny any of their own shortcomings but the guy had a point and a huge set of balls for constantly saying it.

No-one should fear what they write due to us all now becoming (??) or striving to be (??) completely tolerant and perfect Human Beings.

…’Perfect’, ‘completely tolerant’ and ‘Human Beings’ are words that will never be truthful if put together and stated as fact.

A word of warning, if you’re ever tempted to write a perfect character with no prejudices from your perfect point of view, it will only be believed by a Unicorn who is in a coma after a rainbow sherbet overdose.

Okay onto this week’s stories. Two new writers, two long time friends and one of our lovely editors had their stories published over the last five days.

As always our initial comments follow.

We have a weekly constant at the moment and that is a tale from Tom Sheehan.

A Saddle In The Desert‘ was our first story of the week.

‘Reminds me of those old cowboy films.’

‘This held me all the way through.’

‘It flowed very well and I know this is one of those that Tom loves to write.’

On Tuesday, the imaginative and enigmatic Leila Allison privileged us with her pen.

The Good News Club‘ was her latest story for us.

‘Great pace.’

‘Wonderfully enthralling.’

‘The ending was solid and satisfactory.’

Our first new writer was Serenity Marshall. We welcome her and hope that she has fun on the site.

Waiting For Daddy‘ was next up.


‘Serenity conveys a culture without telling us, that is well done!’

‘Poignant but the middle section with the vision of the future lifted this to something special.’

A.J. Lyndon was next up with ‘The Seventh Wave’.

We extend the same welcome to our second new writer and we hope to see more stories from both of them.

‘Not my favourite genre but this was very well done. I enjoyed it!’

‘The style suited the MC.’

‘The subject has weight.’

We completed the week with one of our most interesting writers. Tim Frank is always worth a read!

The Peephole‘ was published on Friday.

‘Odd! But odd in a very good way!!’

‘Loved the sentence, ‘He was a virgin, a fact he didn’t hide from his mind.’

‘Weird – But I enjoyed this!’

That’s us for another week.

Please keep / start commenting!

Is there anyone out there that would like a shot at The Sunday Re-Run – Anyone? Helllooo? Is there anyone there???

We know you read it, we can see the viewing figures so come on, give yourself a showcase to write a spiel and ask some questions on an older story that you’ve enjoyed!

Just to finish off, I have a confession to make – I haven’t read much Dickens but I’m aware of the times he wrote about.

This came to me as I was reading what our Chancellor, Richie Rishi Sunak was ‘helping’ our poorest people with. In true Scrooge McDuck style, the little arrogant’ out of touch’ millionaire two hundred times over’ wealthy fuckwit’ handed folks pennies when the economy is taking back pounds.

I have no problem with anyone being wealthy (I wish I was myself!!) but the fucking hypocrisy in that man doing a job where he is making decisions regarding the lowest earners is nothing but a fucking insult!!!

…And for the little snottery nosed, over privileged twat not to see this, is an arrogance only a British Cabinet Minister is happy to live with.


I just remembered something regarding our completely in-touch with the poor prick of a chancellor.

There was an episode of ‘Question Time’ where the panel were asked what Politician would make a good Bond and some sycophantic fuck stated, ‘I think my boss, Rishi Sunak’ would make a great Bond.’

I was nearly sick and just prayed for some audience member to shout out,

‘James Bond?? More like Pussy Galore!’

…I would have happily chipped in for their bail!!!!

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Week 369 – Statistics, (What a cracking word – It’s up there with ‘crocodile’ – A nod to the Kemp Brothers!) Opinions And Worth The Watch.

I’ve mentioned a few times that we go through the same process as anyone else when we submit our work. To be fair though, I think we’ve all changed from the early days when we first started doing this.

Continue reading “Week 369 – Statistics, (What a cracking word – It’s up there with ‘crocodile’ – A nod to the Kemp Brothers!) Opinions And Worth The Watch.”
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Week 367 – Impossible Writing Implements And The Rorschach Test, Is ‘Hello’ The Best Choice And ‘Royal Hat Or Scat’.

Before we start we would all like to say that our hearts bleed for the state this world is in and our thoughts are with all those poor souls who are suffering, being murdered and needing help.

I have mentioned a few times what my shortcomings are when I write.

I am shit at titles, description, imagination, technical terms, character names, to name but a few. There is another hands on discipline that I can’t do for the life of me. I can’t fill a fountain pen without covering myself in ink. I need a roll of kitchen towel, a ream of blotting paper and some industrial hand cleaner. I have splash marks up my wall from a re-filling attempt. My cat loves to ridicule me as he sits on the headrest of the chair and stares at the splodges.

I’ve stared at them myself to see what I can see, I don’t think there are ten, I can only make out five. They are :

1. Greta Thunberg with sunburn and wrapped in plastic.

2. Yosemite Sam’s nose and half of his moustache eating a kumquat.

3. A seahorse derby that is won by the 7-4 second favourite named Gerald.

4. A raspberry blancmange toasted sandwich.

5. A Rainbow fighting a packet of M&Ms and losing an eye only for one of the M&M’s to take pity and stand in. (And for all you Romance Writers – It wasn’t the bloody green one!)

I’m not sure if these are disturbing. I do know that one is a wish!

There are two weird things about these interpretations.

1. I hate toasties.

2. The ink blots are only in black.

We all know a few things about James Bond. He wore Oxfords, drank a Vodka Martini, carried a Walther PPK and used a Ronson Lighter. I wonder if he used a Dupont Fountain Pen?? (He’d need to win a few hands of Blackjack – Those bastards are expensive!)

If he did my admiration has went up ten fold. Okay, he could get away with the tuxedo but he’d look a right tit saving the world with ink blots on his shirt.

Talking about ink blots on clothes. Our anniversary was on the tenth and Gwen had a problem with a fountain pen long before me. When she was signing the marriage certificate, the pen leaked and she spilled some of the ink onto her dress. Now a lot of Bride Divas would have had a tantrum but she was a bit more philosophical about things and had a fag. She said that she’d always have the ink from the very first time she had signed her name Cron.

I read somewhere that this was the week in history when Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. (7th March 1876).

A few things came to mind.

– ‘Alexander Graham Bell’ is a terrible but brilliant song by the Glam Rock band ‘The Sweet.’

– I wonder if Mr Bell ever considered that his invention would be used more for pouting arseholes taking pictures of their ridiculous eyebrows rather than actually used for speaking to people.

– I really do wish that ‘Ahoy’ had been taken up as the greeting when a call was answered. I don’t suppose this wouldn’t really have changed anything:

…Ahoy…Is it me you’re looking for. (Poor Lionel! Nothing could save that song!)

…I just called to say Ahoy.* (Poor Stevie! Nothing could save that song either!)

…Ahoy! Are you wearing any knickers? (Let’s be honest a perv is a perv!!)

…Ahoy. Have you been sold PPI in the last five years. (No change there, The answer to that is still ‘Fuck off!!’)

…’You had me at Ahoy’ (Nope! No difference. Rene would still overact and Cruise still has a face you’d want to slap into next week!)

Okay, onto this week’s stories.

We had no first timers this week but what we did have were five writers who have two hundred and twenty two stories between them.

But to be fair, anytime Mr Sheehan is published, the average soars.

As always our initial comments follow.

The man himself was first up with ‘What’s In My Wallet‘.

This is story number 160 for Tom Sheehan.

That amount of stories makes my head hurt!!

And unbelievably, there are a lot more to come.

‘These stories regarding Korea are always excellent.’

‘This is up to Tom’s brilliant standard.’

‘Tom’s output continues to be beyond belief!’

It was great to see L’Erin Ogle back with another story.

Her sixteenth was called ‘Cherries‘ and it was published on Tuesday.

‘L’Erin is as dark as ever.’


‘Shocking and excellent.’

Tony Osgood broke the back of the week with his fourth outing entitled, ‘Here Come Grandfather’s Goats’

‘So bloody hard hitting and brutal it moves you if you have any soul at all.’

‘The situations that cause this sort of desperation have never eased at anytime in history.’

‘The more times you read the story, the more you appreciate the writing.’

On Thursday we had our lovely fellow editor Diane.

Snow‘ was her thirty second story for the site.

‘Perfect word count.’

‘Unlike so many short shorts, this has a beginning, a middle and an end.

‘Even though it is so short, it takes time to unfold.’

We finished off with Alex Sinclaire who has now reached a milestone. This is Alex’s tenth story for us and that means he is in only the 3% of writers who have ever managed this.

Many congratulations Alex!!

Dengue Fever‘ completed the week.

‘A Narrative was accomplished within the rolling madness.’

‘Very dark.’

‘The ambiguity was done to great effect.

Usual prodding or poking or whatever.

Please comment, it makes the Great God Timatuma very happy.

I see that Steven French has joined our band of frequent commentators – Thanks so much for that!!

And someone please have a go at the Sunday Re-Run. I don’t know how to tempt you. Maybe by suggesting you get some medication for shyness. (Buckfast works in Scotland) Or telling you if you are a writer and want to get your voice out there, why not do a spiel and throw in a few questions for an author of a story that you’ve enjoyed. We’ll publish exactly what you send us. And that feature is looked at by around three hundred people every Sunday.

And just to finish off. I see that another attempt at replacing bearskins with synthetic furs has been refused for those regiments who protect the Paedo’s Mother. It is argued that the synthetic caps loose their shape. Here’s a mad idea, why not change the design of the stupid looking hat?

But I think I have a cracking idea. Why not have a reality TV show where members of the royal family are sent out into the Canadian Wilderness armed with a penknife and they have to find and fight a Black Bear for its fur.

If they are successful, then there is a new hat for a Guardsman. But if they lose, they’d need to abdicate or live in exile or more than likely, be shovelled up.

Fuck your Love Island – I’d watch that!


(At time of writing I can’t confirm if the harry one has accepted the job as host.)

* I know that is the wrong lyrics but every now and then I like to re-iterate how bad that song is!!!