Category: Humour

All Stories, Editor Picks, General Fiction, Humour, Short Fiction

Week 555: Controlling Enthusiasm

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I have decided to cut down on my use of the exclamation mark. I have often used it as a shortcut to fake a sense of goodwill that I do not usually feel–or at not least up to the degree implied by an exclamation mark. There’s a stink on an exclamation mark, for me it reeks of perkiness and whatever potion lurks in Kathy Lee Gifford’s coffee cup. (You’ll probably have to be an American of a certain age to get that last bit. If not, lucky day: something to google.)

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Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

My Fair Wiccan by Leila Allison

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1880, Charleston Settlement, Oregon Territory

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Hope was getting old. The thrill was gone, and her wiccan skills were diminishing due to her lack of enthusiasm. Oh, she could still raise a demon, but they were low rent, stereotypical evil and talked too much; most tended to live in the past with little thought given the future. And she could still impress the hell out of the feeble-minded, but public schooling was cutting into the ignorance she had so long depended on. Educated people tend to ask questions. They see a three-headed frog and attribute it to science instead of witchcraft. Bastards.

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Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

And a Geep Shall Lead Them by Leila Allison

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Enter the Adverb Queen

Daisy trotted into my office then up the small critter ramp that runs from the floor to my desktop (Cats ignore it, they’d rather leap up and give me a heart attack). She began speaking without a preamble.

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All Stories, Humour

Heir by Sam Graveney

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Samuel Waggoner never used his own products. People admired that about him; Waggoner’s Wigs were so good, had he used them, no one would ever have known. An Australian, he fought in Vietnam and emerged from the jungles with a secret ingredient that turned dried-out hair from barbers’ floors into manes which shone like honey and lasted and lasted. He built a wig empire, became a rich man, he married a stage actress, Harriet, for love, he bought a big house outside Darwin. He was totally bald.

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Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

Rock and Roll Lamb School 666 by Leila Allison

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Obnoxious is What Obnoxious Does appears to be the student motto at The Lamb School of Saragun Springs. A superior percentage of the juvenile Ewes and Rams at Lamb School are spoiled, mouthy brats who show no appreciation for their homeland. You can tell them that if they were born anywhere else but Saragun Springs, they would neither talk nor think beyond the undemanding standards nature has set for Sheep, and they will laugh at you. And dare toss the prospect of New Zealand at them, they merely fake a yawn and launch into a new groundless complaint to counter your empty threat.

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All Stories, Humour

The VW Starter Motor Catastrophe by Michael Bloor

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Drummossie, Aberdeenshire – January, 1976.

Because I couldn’t afford the necessary welding repairs to my Morris van til the end of the month, I was getting a daily lift into Aberdeen, with my friend and neighbour, Stewart. Aberdeenshire is the cold shoulder of Scotland and it was a hard winter. Normally, if you’re getting a lift into work, it would be churlish to object to push-starting your friend’s car. But, in a week of snow and ice, push-starting a VW beetle first thing in the morning involves a major (nay, crippling) effort. So, come Friday, I was pleading with Stewart: we would have to replace his starter motor that weekend. Stewart readily agreed, little knowing the pain and humiliation that would ensue.

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Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

The Insolence of the Lambs: A Feckless Fable by Leila Allison

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Our cast

Re-education Story Lady………Dame Daisy Kloverleaf

Truant Officer Aye………………Beezer Baw

Truant Officer Nae…………… Barkevious Baw

The Lamb Sextuplets…………..Themselves

Principal …………………………Penrose the Flying Weasel

The Bogey-Sheep……………..Juan Gee

Superintendent Renfield………Herself (actually drunk, a method actress)

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Fantasy, Humour, Short Fiction

Anita Knows by Leila Allison

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Act One: What Goes Up Eventually Leaves a Crater

Nowadays, the amazing comeback of the boy band, the billigits, is all the rage in Saragun Springs. The cycle of fame travels extremely fast in fantasy realms. For six weeks the boys (natives of the Springs) were flying high, superstars in the Springs’ sister realm called Other Earth; launched by the spectacular success of their debut album, meet the billigits (billigits do not use capital letters). Yet six weeks later, the band imploded, and the billigits were just another pockmark in the town of hasbeenville.

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All Stories, Humour, Romance

Leon’s Magic Love by Harrison Kim

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On Saturday night, Leon and his friend Max  “The Rhythm Wonders,” played guitar and sang at Tom Kosk’s stag party.  Tom was engaged to Samantha Ciaccia, the wedding scheduled in one week.  He was already living with her, in a double wide trailer in the bush under Mount Baldy.

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All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

Late-Night Theological Breakthrough by Michael Bloor

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The pub had closed, the last bus still hadn’t arrived, the thin drizzle gave way to rain of biblical ferocity. Jimmy stood sheltering in the entrance to the dress shop, like a novelty dummy, while Willie (his tongue loosened by seven pints of IPA) explained about the likely existence of A Deid Agnostics’ Processing Panel.

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