Week 596 – Cattle-prod Your Child, We Do Have A ‘No Fucking Chance List’ And You Can’t Escape.

Here we are at Week 596

Every now and then I try to give a few tips on what we’re looking for and our thought process in deciding.

Today I want to point out a huge NO! NO! This was inspired by a submission and my sister who is a proud grand-parent. (Aye-One of those!) You see, she had a video of her grand-child who is my Great Grand-Nephew (I’m not sure that deserves to be capitalised) dancing. The kid is two years old and his dancing is shite. All kids at that age dance shite. Maybe apart from Michael Jackson but he turned out to be a junky paedo.

So, my sister shows this video to me. I look at it and didn’t go gooey- eyed, I said ‘That kid is out of time and total pish. He needs to find something else to do.’

This doesn’t go down well so maybe telling the truth isn’t a good thing…When dealing with toddlers and their more than blinkered relatives.

At the same time (This is the point) we received a submission (Had a few like this) about a problem with a toddler – Fuck knows what it was? Maybe the kid couldn’t direct it’s shit into a bucket?? Couldn’t put it’s socks on??? Or couldn’t do without its dummy??? I can’t remember and don’t care. But here’s the point – That isn’t a plot for a story. No-one gives a shit. If any readers have had kids, they’ve worked it out as they’ve went along. They don’t try to publish what they have done. What works for them, worked…End of!

So don’t write this down as a hilarious piece of literature. It isn’t and no fucker unless they are a fucker like yourself wants to read it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the name of all things alcoholic, DO NOT EVER write baby talk. That makes me want to go to Haiti, buy some JuJu and curse you!!

I don’t know why I’m playing this – It just came into my head and I reckon this was as successful a British band in the seventies that there ever was.

I normally slag off and hate wealth, however I’ve just read about ‘The Patriotic Millionaires Group’ That’s a terrible name, it sounds like the worst boy-band or the lamest super hero group ever!!

However, these folks are asking that they be taxed more due to their wealth. Good on them. I see Gary Lineker’s name there. A lot of Scottish folks have a hatred of this guy. I don’t. I hated when he was playing for England. But a top class footballer who was never booked is something to behold.

Richard Curtis is there. Folks will recognise ‘Notting Hill’ and ‘Love Actually’. I will die chewing my testicles off before I watch either of them. However, he co-wrote Blackadder which I will tip my hat for those alone.

Val McDermid is also there. She is an absolute brilliant writer. ‘The Grave Tattoo’ and ‘The Mermaid’s Song’ are amazing…Although her choice in friends is a bit dubious. Maybe she gets a lone of wee Nicola’s extortionate hair straighteners paid for her by her thieving husband who is now lying on his back and hoping for the best in jail. (Or maybe on his stomach?? Who knows?)

Maybe I’m just a lovely human being? Probably not, Gwen will talk long and hard about that not being the case. But If I had three squillion quid a year, I’d be more than happy to give back two squillion of it. Let it go to good and just causes and also to buy wee Nicola a hair-drier!

Okay, onto this week’s stories!

We had three new folks, a fourth timer and our own lovely Diane who distinguished the site for a thirty fourth time.

As always, we welcome the new folks, hope that they have fun on the site and more importantly we want to see more work from them…A few comments would also be good.

First up we had a newbie who was Matt Bridger with, ‘Spice Of Life And Death.’

‘This is thoughtful in its own way.’

‘Very interesting!!’

‘This hit home for me.’

On Tuesday we had Stephen Silvester who had his fourth story for us entitled, ‘Blow, Bonny Breeze,’

‘The story had some guts.’

‘The language sounded authentic.’

‘All in all, I’m for the witch.’

Robert Kruger was our second new writer with ‘Thirty Eight Special.’

‘The tone added to this.’

‘This is always a difficult topic to take on.’

‘The feeling of deadness, grey and gloom came through.’

It was a complete treat for us on Thursday as Diane decided to get her pen out. (You know what I mean.) She was published with her thirty-fourth offering for us entitled, ‘Crusader.’

‘Your timing is perfect.’

‘You have the confidence not to lay on the details thick.’

‘Subtlety is the by-word here.’

And we finished off with our last newster, Ace Boggess. His story ‘Judge Me.’ completed the week.

‘An intricate story.’

‘Thoughtful.’

‘Totally enthralling.’

Usual reminders here. Please get involved with the ‘Auld Author’, ‘Sunday Whatever’ or ‘The Re-Run’ feature. The Re-Run has over 3000 stories that you could pick from.

I know I’m talking to the converted here as all of your good selves say ‘Thanks’ when commented on. It really is beyond me that other writers are unable to do that – I just don’t get it. It’s simple manners. Ach what the fuck – They, with so many other ‘attributes’ that we have these days is making the world, Mither Nature and jesus cry!

I know at the end of days which is coming soon, I’ve at least been mannerable.

Okay, before the last piece of music which is pretty obvious, I’d like to say one last thing.

Now, I’m not sure if this is the epitome of irony or simply The Reaper saying ‘Fuck You!’ or whatever. But there is a multi-millionaire tech prick called Bryan Johnson who has been spending around two million a year on anti- ageing treatments. He now has something incurable.

Slap me sideways and call me Susan for laughing but death is the greatest leveller ever!

If this prick had spent those two million each year and put it into Water Aid, Medication, Housing or whatever, he would have left a legacy that he could have been proud of. But no, he’s left oxygen tanks, a shit soundtrack, therapies and drugs that we now know that don’t fucking work!!!!

This song is appropriate as there is no point!!!

Hugh

Image: – Alovely oak coffin, lined with silk open and waiting! from pixabay.com