Another week closer to another year!
I’ve been thinking on smoking. I see that some programmes have trigger warnings. Or to be more precise, ‘A Nonsensical waste of words by fuckwits for fuckwits!’
There was an old panel game called ‘Joker In The Pack’ which is being repeated and you can hardly see the contestants due to the fog of smoke.
The amazing Comedienne, Dave Allen sat at his chair with a pack of cigarettes and a large whiskey. (I didn’t spell that incorrectly, he was a proud Irishman.)
‘The Wheeltappers And Shunters Club’ was filmed in a Working Mens Club and you could hardly see the audience!
Anything that was filmed early 2000 and beyond had smoking restrictions. Before that actors and / or their characters puffed away happily.
Myself and my sister being between seven and eleven and ten and fourteen. Hi Doug, sure you could work out Tracy was four years older than me! After we both had our birthdays on any particular year!! We were tasked with waking my dad up for his nightshift. My mum would make him a coffee and we had to go into his bedroom, try to shake him awake and light a cigarette for him. We stuck it in his mouth and we knew he was awake when he started puffing. One night though, he must have been dreaming as during this nightly ritual, he started eating the cig. My sister had the presence of mind to take it off him. I was just curious to see what would have happened when he got to the warm bit??
Now that was an amusing story about my dad and his smoking, but here is a belter!…
I was reading in my bed and I heard my mum scream out laughing…Folks, I don’t want to tell you what I thought…But my mum did tell both of us at the dinner table the next day what was the cause of her hilarity. When my dad was at his work, he went to the toilet for a piss. Whilst he was peeing, he lit a cigarette and unfortunately the head of the match fell off onto a part of his anatomy that you really wouldn’t want bunt. My mum’s laughter was when he showed her the blister!!
As a counter point against this light-hearted look at smoking – My dad had a horrible death when lung cancer hammered him for the last seven weeks of his life. We knew, we were there.
However – My dad was a realist and he knew that he reaped what he once sowed. I wasn’t crass enough to ask if he regretted all the cigs / pipe / cigars / chewing tobacco. He had given up for over twenty years, but the damage was done.
The cruelist thing about my dad’s death was he lost the ability to speak with any meaning. He couldn’t say what he wanted to. And the old bastard was too proud to use a paper and pen. (But then he was maybe scared that he couldn’t write.) So we could say what we wanted, but he couldn’t.
The reason that I mention this is I saw one of my favourite episodes of Frasier the other day and one of the funniest scenes was completely cut out.
I’m going to show it so maybe I should give a Trigger Warning – Fuck that, if it effects you – Get over yourself!!! I’ve seen the worst of this and it’s still real and fucking funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve never been a cigarette smoker, but that clip made me want to start!!!!
I read this years back, and it’s a bit like ‘You’re So Vain’ The Carly Simon song. At the time there could have been a few contenders but I think it was meant to be about Warren Beatty.
The quote is:
‘I used to be arrogant but now I’m just perfect’
Any thoughts??
There was a Monty Python sketch years back when three generations of miners were telling how hard their lives were. They got more and more harrowing until the last guy stated, ‘I got up two hours before I went to bed.’ (It may have been ‘That Was The Week That Was.’)
I think that idea has evolved when I read this week, ‘Kids these days are so soft. When I was ten, I died and my mother made me walk it off!’ (Thanks once again Mr Cowan!)
This is going to be a three clip week!
I was so saddened to hear of the death of the genus that was Stanley Baxter – Him and Rikki Fulton creased me as kid.
You don’t need subtitles – It will all be explained!
Onto this week’s stories.
We had four new folks and a quick returner.
To all the debutante writers, we welcome them, hope they have fun on the site and most importantly, they continue to send us their work.
As always, our initial comments follow.
We began the week with Tatiana Samokhina and her story entitled, ‘Maddie Is A Prison’.
‘I found this to be quite enthralling.’
‘The parenthetic inclusions were very good.’
‘There is an excellent style to this.
This was a very quick turn-a-round for Gareth Vieira. His first story was last week, his second this week.
‘Imaginary Friends’ was his story on Tuesday.
‘There’s a sort of chipper darkness to this.’
‘The ending was a real shocker.’
‘All the foreshadowing made sense.’
Tom Phillips broke the back of the week with, ‘The Lives Of Gadu.’
‘One of those tales told by a side character.’
‘Very readable.’
‘Elements of this reminded me of ‘Walter Mitty’
Jacob Cohen was published on Thursday with ‘The Summer He Let Me Be General.’
‘The flow was excellent.’
‘This has depth.’
‘There is genuine feeling throughout.’
We finished the week with Karl Luntta and his story, ‘Hear, Hear.’
‘This keeps you reading.’
‘I was rooting for him.’
‘This got stronger and stronger.’
That was the week that was!
Thanks for all your input – Just keep on doing what you do!!
This is the last of the new stories for this year.
From tomorrow we will be having a Crime Week of Re-Runs. Then on the 28th until 2nd January, we will be celebrating Fred F Foote as he is only the fourth person to reach a centenary of stories.
We will be back to normal on Saturday 3rd January.
Okay, I was talking about my dad’s smoking so maybe I should look a wee bit inside myself.
If this song included Malt, Brandy, Bacardi, Lager, Absinthe, Gin, Vodka, Metaxa, Whisky, Whiskey, Stout maybe it would be relevant to me!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!
May all your dreams come true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And for all of you, who know the words sing loud sing proud– Let’s have a wee chant of Deano! Deano! Deano!!!!!!
Merry Christmas to all! And for the third year running, I too, offer a song.
And a happy New Year,
And a very happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year to everyone. Thanks for all the stories, and thank you for the comments and general interaction.
literally stories 
Hugh
That Baxter clip is priceless. And he and his co-star made perfect sense of the Glasgow idiom. I saw a lot of his stuff on PBS when I was young (with Python and the Marty Feldman Show); another genius who, I’m fairly sure, had to conceal being gay yet at the same time profited from it because it was known in a harmless way, like the American Paul Lynde.
Merry Christmas to one and all.
Oh! Yes, I have been smoking since I was nine. When the cloak comes and requires suffering from me for the last bit of the line, I will not complain. So much of the good times in my life involved smoking and behaving as though I will live forever. I see such as consequences not punishments.
Just yesterday a morbidly obese bus driver complained about unhealthy smokers. We all tend to be hypocrites, we should just leave it lay.
Thanks again and I look forward to the upcoming two special weeks that start tomorrow.
Leila
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Hi Leila,
What pisses me off is adults do what adults do, that’s cause we can. None of us are stupid and we know the pit-falls and don’t need to be lectured.
I have answered the ‘Passive Smoking’ debate a few times with a simple, ‘So talking to you will now make me a cunt!’
Yep – The next two weeks will be a blast!!
All my very best to you and your two mutants over the holidays!!!
(If someone said that to me, I’d need to ask which members of my human family were they talking about)!!!
Hugh
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Merry Xmas and all the best for 2025! Keep up the excellent work!!
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Thanks so much Steven for all your support of the site!!
I hope you and yours have a belting Christmas and New Year!!!!
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
You’re dad sounds like a character. His cigar smoking came with user warnings. I can relate…
My grandfather perished in some vague story about smoking and a chair fire. It was covered in plastic, making it extra-combustible. I could never quite reconcile how this happened? I envisioned this deathtrap chair and him. Everyone is sitting around reading and knitting. Nothing could be done I guess.
RIP Grand Dad.
Funny the things reading brings back to the mind’s clouded eye.
Merry Christmas!
Christopher
RIP Mr. & Mrs. Reiner
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Hi Christopher,
‘Your minds clouded eye’ is on a par of Auld Will’s original line!! (Actually, it’s better!)
Our grandparents were a lot tougher than we are. But your Granddad couldn’t beat the terms of combustibles!! What the Hell though, that is an acceptable death. I wonder how many wanks in these days and ages will die of acceptance!!
All my very best to you and yours my fine friend – Hope next year is kind to you all!
Hugh
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“Your dad not You’re “
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Hi Christopher,
Those wee bastard typos are like taxes and death – They don’t care what the time of year is.
All the best.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
Ain’t it the twooth. I mean truth! lol
Christopher
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Good post and roundup. Sorry to hear about your father’s troublesome death, but it’s nice you can look back now on the fun and humorous times. That Bebe Glazer scene is a classic. The way she describes the pleasures of smoking is so well done. But did those who cut it really think, it would convince people to smoke? Pretty crazy.
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Hi Dave,
I reckon when any Prick, talking about something that is there, states the phrase of, ‘Let’s think about this…’ They should be taken away and shot!!!
I have so many favourite scenes but I reckon, that is one of my top ones from an American Show.
Thanks for everything and all the very best for the holidays.
Hugh
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thanks for the clips and especially my favourite Christmas Song. I have never smoked which could be considered a bit strange as my whole family did, grandparents, aunties, uncles, mum and dad, brother the whole lot but I never fancied it. I did fancy the whole palaver of it though and I have to say one of my precious things is my dad’s lighter. I love the saying ‘You do you’ and I reckon that should be our attitude to anything and anyone as long as they aren’t hurting someone else.
Ach well.
I hope each and all have the sort of time that makes them happiest. x
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Hi Diane,
I reckon if I had been a smoker, I would have collected lighters.
If I had been a woman, I would have collected broaches.
I tried to collect alcohol but drank it!!!
All my very best to you and Ian.
Hugh
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I always enjoy these ruminations – whatever the ishooze at hand. Going by the posters it looks like James Dean & Humphrey Bogart have become nonsmokers – the cigs being photoshopped out of existence – though Dylan Thomas is still allowed his “conscious woodbine”. If I remember rightly Dave Allen turned seriously anti – with all the fervour of the convert. Like Leila, I’ve been at it since I was 9. I used to have cig stash-holes on the route to school – as 10 years later I’d have other kinds of stashes. I could even be said to have had a ‘passion’ for the habit, dismal as that sounds. These days smokers are just one down from serial killers. Excuse me while I cough.
Great roundup too.
Geraint
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Geraint is right!
Smokers are marginalized! Hitler didn’t smoke, neither does Trump.
Such propaganda.
But seriously, I can do without the governments (those time honored slayers of young soldiers) telling me how to destroy my health to their srandards.
Leila
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Hi Geraint,
My Gran, who I didn’t like much did say one thing to one of my cousins that I thought was brilliant. He brought his baby into her house and complained about the smoke.
My Gran said, ‘When you walk in the door you are in my house, when you walk out it you can then do what you want.’
Hope you and yours have a wonderful time over the holidays.
Hugh
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Merry Christmas holidays to all.
The worst idea ever when it comes to smoking was to ban it in pubs. Now you have weave between the crowds on the pavement belting out thick smoke like the Vital Spark chugging up the Clyde.
Once, at school we were sent out to pick up litter around the area. I refused to pick up the cigarette butts, that got me a clip around the ear every time. Oh, how I miss the way Miss would clip me, a sore red ear. she gave up in the end.
As for mad music, try the Toy Dolls with Nellie the Elephant (1984).
Best wishes to all.
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Hi James,
It’s interesting that it was only the ugly teachers that hit!!
Not sure what that says about them and not sure what that means about me!!!
Ah, ‘The Toy Dolls’ A Pogo from a crouched position was a lot of fun!!!
All my very best to you and yours over the holidays!
Hugh
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Hugh – Yes I can figure it out. Despite forgetting what I’ve learned I do practice math doing problems posted in Twitter.
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Hi Doug,
I knew you could!!
It took me a few years and well, the difference in ages was always there…And I continually remind her about that!!
All my very best to you and Sharon over the holidays!!!
Hugh
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Hi Hugh!
Thanks for the Deano song. A wonderful selection for ringing in Christmas week (and cheer). Happy holidays to you and yours, and to all the Literally people. May it be a good one for all.
Dale
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Hi Dale,
Thanks as always for you being you and all that you do for the site and the writers!!
All the very best to you, the dogs and everyone that mean something to you over the holidays!!
Hugh
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Great post, Hugh. I’m an enthusiastic ex-smoker, so much so that I used to choose the smoking compartments on the trains. Fewer places now for me to mingle with sinning smokers. Merry Christmas all – mick
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Hi Mick,
Years back when there were smoking staff rooms and non-smoking staff rooms, I’d always sit in the smoking. The individuals in there were more pissed off than their counter-parts!! (I could relate to them!!)
Thanks as always my fine friend, I hope you and yours have a great time over the holidays!
Hugh
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Feels like it was several lifetimes ago that a coffee and a Marlboro was first breakfast but it was definitely me. Growing up in a cul de sac in a Welsh village in the early eighties was a sure fire recipe for cigarette experimentation and the (very occasional honest…) four pack of Breakers lager in the fields that are now housing estates.
I was never a major smoker in terms of numbers per day but there were a few years of consistency and I’ve got the hangovers to prove it. When I stopped smoking entirely I still hung out with all the smokers at work because frankly that’s where you got all the fun stories and the gossip.
A fantastic post that may have finally put me somewhat in the Christmas spirit – or at the very least made me want a baby guinness with my fruit and fibre.
Much love and festive season wishes to the entire LS writing family but of course an extra special bit of love for Hugh, Diane and Leila xxx (one kiss each, no fighting)
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Hi Nik,
It’s always a blast to see you around!!
I didn’t know that ‘Breakers’ was international. (Surely our Home Countries count??) It did have a kick but by fuck was it a lovely lager…I’ve never seen it on tap though – Maybe a good job!
The non-smoking nazis will never understand this – Even though I’m a non-smoker, the smell of cigs fills me with so many memories. And I never dread, I only smile!!!!!
All my very best to all of you over the festivities – I will raise a glass to you all!!!
Hugh.
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