Week 485 is here upon us!
This will be a bit random, but I think that’s how my mind works. Random and tangents stop me being bored. I hate being bored. That is why I hate my work. My brother-in-law said before he retired that he worried that he’d get bored. I’m never bored when I’m not working and always bored when I am!
To be honest, I really don’t know many people who are happy at work. Most folks look like how I feel. The only time you see happy people in work places is if there are leaflets about the sodding place. The only time you see folks looking anything other than delighted is the sincerity that those leaflets dealing with mental health show.
The ironic thing is most work causes the mental health problems!!!
Anyhooo…
Someone mentioned my use of profanity this week and even though I shouldn’t have, I decided to consider what they said.
What I’ve come up with is what an old English teacher said to me (Hah!! As I look at the phrase, it could mean a few things!!) he stated that I wrote well as I wrote how I spoke. So that brings me back to my profanity – I swear all the time. Not for shock value, simply ‘cause it’s honest. Maybe it is who I am or where I’m from, but I think only us Scottish people can say ‘Fuck off’ and it can mean ten different things!!
I don’t swear in my writing to shock. I do as that teacher said to me, I write as I speak. And I do know that if I’m in a funeral parlour with sad relatives I won’t say, ‘Aye your Jim was an awfy cunt’ Actually I would if that was one of those times that cunt was positive.
Maybe I do swear too much, but that’s the honesty I have in my writing. I couldn’t do it any other way!
Billy Connolly and Frankie Boyle explain swearing a damn site better than me. And talking about the legend that is Mr Connolly, I just remember a line he said that always makes me smile. There is a point to this as my feet are fucked and I need to moisturise them. I’ve never moisturised anything in my sodding life but I suppose I prefer my feet to my face – Face will never happen!!
Anyhow,…I think…Oh aye, Mr Connolly. He said one time about Jojoba, he wondered what it actually was and could only come up with in Scotland it was the month after September!!!
Now my mind went to a breakfast cereal for whatever fucking reason and I probably need to apologise for the joke that I’ll go onto but I remember a friend of mine once went to a fancy dress party dressed with a leather waistcoat, cowboy hat and a sugar puff stuck to his cheek and he said that he was Lemmy from Motorhead.
I remember why my mind went that way. You see, as I’m typing this, I can see my last CD purchase which was Christmas last year and it was ‘Motorhead’.
Now to the joke that I probably need to apologise for.
…Sorry!!
A woman went to a fancy dress party. She was naked and had stretched each side of her ladyparts and stuck them onto her head. When asked what she had came as she said, ‘A sugar puff.’
HAH!! My swearing isn’t so bad now!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, onto this week’s stories.
As always, our initial comments follow.
First up was Arthur Davis with the ‘The Last Horologist.
This was Arthur’s fourth story for us.
‘This cleverly avoids the problem with time travel’
‘Love the end.’
‘Very well written.’
On Tuesday we had a new writer. We welcome Graham Mort to the site.
His story was entitled ‘Nicky’
‘This flowed along.’
‘A sort of romance but well done.’
‘I did get into this.’
If I’ve counted correctly, Dave Henson has graced the site a very impressive thirty-three times!
‘The Empathy Solution’ was his latest.
‘Dave has his own unique voice within his writing.’
‘It has quite a chilling message.’
‘We are at the mercy of some that can only worry us.’
Matthew J. Senn returned to the site for his second time.
‘First Dead Man Seen Since’ was our story on Thursday.
‘Interesting and bleak.’
‘A different look at a terrible problem.’
‘I don’t normally like Westerns but I enjoyed this.’
And we finished off the week with ‘The Ballad Of Clyde Harris Porter Jr’ by Joshua Michael Stewart.
Joshua is also a new writer and we extend him the same welcome.
We hope to see more of their work very soon.
‘Entertaining and witty.’
‘I enjoyed the read.’
‘I found myself caring about the characters.’
That’s another round-up done and dusted.
And here we go with more reminders.
Please comment. Please say thank you if you have received a comment.
And check out our other features of a Sunday and please get involved.
I was saddened to read that Alan Hansen, a Liverpool and Scotland legend, was taken ill. I haven’t heard anything else but wish him all the best.
He started out with Partick Thistle, and that reminded me of a cracking one liner I read of regarding John Lambie, who was a manager there for years.
One of their players was hurt, and the trainer ran on. He shouted across to John and said, ‘He’s concussed, he doesn’t know who he is.
Lambie replied, ‘Well, tell him he’s Pele and for him to play on!!’
Our Scotland team is playing in the European Championship…There are Irn Bru adverts that mention optimism. I’m not sure if it’s not a bit premature as we will probably get humped by the Germans in the first game.
I hope I’m wrong.
But…probably not!!!
A bit of music to finish with. I had a few choices but decided on this.
The Adverts with ‘Looking Through Gary Gilmore’s Eyes.’
Image by wangyanwei from Pixabay – a foot enjoying a lovely pedicure with essential oils.
literally stories 
Hugh
Oh, tsk tsk that joke. Send it to Oprah and watch her head explode! Still damn site funnier than any “woke humor”–which is the fat free chocolate and non-alcoholic beer of jocularity. Humour so lame that it needs a crutch as badly as Tiny Tim.
Oh Gary Gilmore. A real piece of work. I read the Executioner’s Song (all thousand plus pages) and he got what he deserved.
Brilliant post but it could use a bit more fucking profanity! 🙊🙈🙉
Leila
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Hi Leila,
Thanks as always.
I don’t think the lead singer has the best of voices but I do like the energy. Weird choice of subject matter though!!
The legend that was Helen Robertson told me that joke. Cancer got that mad lovely girl before she was forty. She was a customer of ours years back. I think of her frequently. Funnily enough, there is another joke she told me that is one that I couldn’t repeat!!!
Cheers!!
Hugh
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Fun post. I also swear a lot, too. I think it helps lower blood pressure. You’ve given me lots of names to look up here. Thanks again to the LS team for publishing my story this week.
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You are more than welcome Dave, it’s always a pleasure to see your work hitting the In-box!!
I never thought of the medical benefits of swearing but I had considered that it stops me killing people.
Hope all is well with you my fine friend.
Hugh
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I think I’ve done this before but because of the Men In Black with their neuaralyzers (I know this because I’ve seen the movie and I recognize them when they walk away from me) I don’t remember.
A Scot comes to a pile of dark matter in the path. Smells it, puts his finger in it and licks the finger. “Shit – glad I didn’t step in it.”
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Hi Doug,
Our version is a wee bit different.
‘A (Add your nationality of choice) man walks into a bar and holds up a big dog’s shite and says – Look what I nearly stood in’
Class is class Doug, no matter how we wrap it up!!
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Keep being you!!!
Hugh
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Hugh
I once groused to an LS editor that you cursed excessively. The editor described you as “delightfully profane.” I have to agree — except for the “delightfully” part.
Cursing in person is part of a schtick, I guess, and a lot of people do it. But, cursing in print, particularly in an essay, unless it is to make a real point, is boring and smacks of laziness or worse, a lack of imagination.
I made a point of reading some of your work, and I believe that you have something to say. However…..
Bill Tope
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Hi Bill,
Thanks for your thoughts.
I’m so glad that you got the point that I was making, that’s much appreciated.
However I do prefer to finish a point…So I will refer you to a comment Mr Eastwood made in the film ‘The Dead Pool’ regarding opinions.
I’ll not repeat the line for a reverse reason.
Your continued commenting on the site is much appreciated.
Hugh
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that joke is extremely risque and when I was looking for an image it took me to some strange places! anyway a fun post as always thanks, Hugh – Diane
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Hi Diane,
I wondered what you would do about the image!!
I take it the ‘Honeymonster’ is licenced.
Regarding ‘Sugarpuffs’, when I worked in the hostels and had made a Sunday Lunch with all the trimmings for the residents, they would turn up their noses and ask if they could have a bowl of Sugarpuffs.
To be fair, they would eat any trifle that was there!!
Thanks as always.
Hugh
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That’s a cracking John Lambie story, Hugh. May I be permitted to tell my Denis Law story?
Prof Peter Worsley, one time Head of the Sociology Department at Manchester University and fanatical Man United FC supporter, was down in London for an academic conference. On the way back, at Euston Station, he stopped off for a pee in the Gents toilet. As he stood at the urinal, Denis Law (Man United’s legendary Scottish centre forward) came and stood at the next urinal. Peter Worsley was gobsmacked: ‘My God, it’s Denis Law!’
Denis Law turned towards Peter and said: ‘My God, it’s Peter Worsley.’
Peter Worsley, now stunned as well as gobsmacked, ‘Wow! Denis, how do you know my name?’
Denis: ‘You’re still wearing your conference name-tag, Peter.’
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Hi Mick,
I hadn’t heard that one regarding the Lawman!!
Brilliant!!
Thanks as always for your continual support.
Hope all is well with you and yours my fine friend.
Hugh
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Reckon your teacher was quite right Hugh.
Since Billy’s no longer touring, I bought Tall Tales & Wee Stories just for nostalgia and because I love him. The pages take you right back to the theatre and its “F**ing Brilliant!”
Just want to say a big thank you to the tireless LS team and all the amazing writers for the non-stop exceptional entertainment.
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Hi Karen,
That man is a genius.
Folks can say what they want, but Billy opened the door for so many. He was underrated as an actor and probably over-rated when he shouldn’t have been.
His performances in all of Peter McDougall’s works are outstanding. (Check them out, if you haven’t already)
In only a few scenes, he saved ‘The Last Samurai’ (I fucking hate Tom Cruise!!! – Wee Jupiter prick!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Also just lately have watched ‘The Boondog Saints’ (Spelling???) …Really good!
And ‘The Man Who Sued god’ was amazing due to his faith (Or lack of it) showed the complexities of this amazing man’s mind.
He is so clever, it is amazing!!
Thanks so much!!!
Hugh
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I’m with you on the at work / not at work balance. If a person is enjoying being at work more than not being at work, they are doing neither of them right! Great week of stories as always!
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Cheers Paul,
When folks ask about my work I always state,’They need to pay me to be here, how insulting is that??’ and if management ask me if I enjoy my job, I judge them immediately and then say, ‘It’s not stopped me doing the lottery!’
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Hugh
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