Leroy Jethro Gibbs stated that there was no such thing as coincidence.
By the way, Mark Harmin has never done better than when he played Bundy in ‘The Deliberate Stranger’
But we had a coincidence this week. Our lovely Diane’s Sunday Section intertwined with something I read and that gave me fuel for this posting.
I have to mention triggering again.
Doesn’t triggering sound like something sexual that would need a trigger warning??
Anyhow, there was a Sit-Com that started in the late ‘70’s called ‘Terry And June’. It was as lame as an elastic band at a tyre convention. I feel a bit bad saying that as June Whitfield was a stunning lady and Terry Scott voiced Penfold in ‘Danger Mouse’. He was also in one of my favourite ‘Carry On’ films, ‘Carry On Up The Jungle’.
But it was terrible. It always seemed to revolve around Terry’s boss coming to their house for dinner and some mishap happening. (Told you it was lame)
This series has now been repeated in one of the BBC channels and I read this week that it had a trigger warning.
Before I tell you what the reason was, I need to explain something. Very seldom will a story regarding animal cruelty get by either myself, Diane or Leila. We all find those types of stories done gratuitously. If there is a mention and the story carries on, we are okay with that but most are like porn stories and splatter stories, they are done to shock.
Back to the edgy ‘Terry And June’ the reason there was a trigger warning was this ‘joke’.
‘The last time I heard singing like that, I’d accidentally hoovered the cat.’
I am the man who said nothing but drank and cried for two days when my wee cat was put down. I refuse to watch a ‘Lassie’ film. ‘Ring of Bright Water’ has me downing the Prosac due to the killing of Midge and don’t get me started on the original ‘King Kong’.
You can probably see that I’m a bit soft-hearted that way. But in the name of all things fuck!! That line is so mild it is like watered down horlicks. What fuck-wit in what office thought – ‘My god! We need to protect our audience! The sensitives will be throwing themselves off buildings after clearing the pathway below of ants if they hear such depravity.’
This is one of those moments where you are praying for a serial killer!!
I think we are steering away from trigger warnings and going with the old faithful of ‘Adult Content.’
Okay onto this week’s stories.
We had three newbies, a third timer and the legend himself, who has now hit the incredible number of two hundred and twenty!
As always our initial comments follow.
First up was Thurman Hart. Not only is this writer a third timer, he is also one of our commentators which we really do appreciate.
‘The Confession Of The Mayo Killer’ was showcased on Monday.
‘This amused me.’
‘I enjoyed reading about his unreasonable actions.’
‘Brilliantly OTT.’
There are no words left for Tom Sheehan. He has written them all!! And we have given him all the plaudits that we know of!!
All I can say is the genius that is Tom Sheehan graced our site yet again on Tuesday with, ‘Behind This Stone’
‘I like how dissimilar events can be linked.’
‘Another worthy story to add to Tom’s back catalogue.’
‘Just his usual brilliance.’
We now have our three new writers. To each of them we welcome, hope they have fun on the site and continue to send us their work.
The first of them was Jack Kamm with, ‘The Toll Collector.’
‘I like Jack’s imagination.’
‘Interesting!’
‘There is definitely something here.’
Our next new writer was Zora Foote with ‘My Mom Died Yesterday.’
‘Excellent Style.’
‘Witty.’
‘Verging on the brutally honest.’
And on Friday Wolf Epley had his first story, ‘The Blanket Fort Of Steel’ published.
‘Strange little thing.’
‘Loved the final line!’
‘A really enjoyable read.’
That’s us for another week.
Just the usual reminders, please keep commenting. Please say thank you. And have a look at our Sunday features, get involved. We will publish what you send us!
To finish, I issue you a challenge that I will totally understand if nothing is said.
…Not much of a fucking challenge then!!!
I mentioned yonks ago that I heard a joke that I’d never repeat and when I tell folks that, most ask me what the joke is. If they know me, that says a lot about them!
This week I was working on a story that I don’t think will see the light of day because the best line was something so bad, I really don’t feel comfortable using it.
So here’s the question, what is the line that you have written that you’ll never use?
Now before you say ‘I can’t use it’ I refer you to the absolute legend that is Gordon Strachan. (Brilliant for Aberdeen, Manchester United, Leeds and Scotland) He became Coventry’s Manager and in a post match interview he was asked what he thought of the referee’s performance. He stated something like, ‘If I said that the referee was useless, I would get into a lot of trouble so I can’t say that the referee was useless. So there’s your answer.’
So I give you a get out of jail card with…‘I’d never use the line…’
Has anyone the guts to go for it?
And before you ask, nope, I’ll leave mine for that hot spot in hell that I’ll frequent with my line which will be forever unsaid in this world!!!!
To be truthful though, I sure as fuck want to use it!!!
I struggled with what tune to finish with. I have so many that I want to play or play again as my memory with many other parts of my anatomy is going!
But I was a bit down and decided on this upbeat wee tune. (Especially as I have had a story accepted by Leila and Diane which has a connection!)
Don’t get me wrong, that last frame of John Higgins to beat Mark Allen has cheered me up no end!!! Check it out, even if you don’t watch snooker, it’s an absolute belter. Still not as good as Alex Higgins clearance against Jimmy Whyte in the 1982 semi final!! But very close!!!
In true Scottish fashion I can state, ‘John Higgins – That wee man huz sum bawz!!!’
I give you ‘The Belle Stars’
…The two young ladies on the saxophones made sixteen year old me feel a little bit peculiar!!!
Image: Curly Wurly chocolate bar from Google images.
literally stories 
Hugh –
Harmin or Harmon – Mr. Mirth knows (reworded Shadow – old enough to have heard the radio version, and lots of soaps my mother heard).
I don’t think anyone at Literally Stories Central needs an ego boost, but the fellow countryman to some at LS and publisher Charlie Fish of FOTW said “Good choice” when I named my favorite journal. At least I think that happened. You know, the Shadow and Men In Black.
Mr. Mirth
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Hi Doug,
For all I know it could be ‘Harman’ or the plural ‘Harmen’!!!
I’m sure we have a story of Charlies on the site and would love to see more.
Thanks as always for your time, and comments – Much appreciated my fine friend.
Hugh
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Good morning Hugh
On American TV sitcoms in the 80’s, there was a fad called the Special Episode. Otherwise gentle or even silly programs addressing “meaningful” stuff like teen pregnancy. In a way it was television’s version of the wild rockers doing a quiet ballad for a change of pace and it worked everyone. One involved Tom Hanks playing Michael J. Fox’s secretly alcoholic uncle on Family Ties. Pretty soon all the goofy shows had to have a Special Episode, which the critics raved about at the time, but today look lame and cynical–merely for ratings. I recall a version of the”trigger warning” appearing on black screen at the start. So so pretentious.
I wish I had a great line for the challenge. I tend to say whatever and avoid (try) flashy, trashy lines that exist to titillate. I will even use the ridiculous forbidden words if they are in proper context. If someone said “nigger” don’t write “n-word” in the quote. Life is hard and loaded with dumb people who say dumb things. Tell the goddam truth. Deleting offensive things no more ends them than rehab cures a dedicated junkie.
I do, however, have an old story I will never submit to anyone anywhere because it centered on something I was told in confidence. I was being all “Special Episode” inside when I wrote it–too young, too selfish– but I caught on in time and destroyed it. It was, I think, good, but exploitive.
Excellent post.
Leila
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Could you write if you changed the names?
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Hello Doug
I did that but decided that stuff I am told in confidence should stay that way. Now, anything I was directly involved in is fair game…to a point. It’s like Capote writing that tell all on his friends. I think he should not have done it under the cover of friendship.
Take care,
Leila
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Leila – I’m with you on that tell-all about families. Never read anything of his, but knowing he was dumping on his father in his writing (Conroy?) made me disinterested. ”I didn’t like my family, they are to blame for everything wrong in my life.” genre doesn’t appeal to me.
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He did write beautifully until the booze and coke actually shrank his brain. But overall, not someone I would have been pals with.
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I am late coming to the idea of trigger warnings. Half the books I read as a child would not be fit for kids today – Old Yeller, Bridge to Terrabithia, Where the Red Fern Grows. I remember well the “Special Episode” – often presented without commercial interruption, though some sponsor was somehow mentioned ever few minutes it seemed.
Literature doesn’t exist to coddle us, or it shouldn’t. It should challenge us, even if it’s just for a fling. If I had never read, I should be a different man – and I likely would think that man to be dull and stupid.
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Hi Thurman,
That’s an interesting observation and maybe that is what is wrong with some of the characterless folks we have today, they didn’t read enough!!
Hope all is well with you my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hi Leila,
Thanks as always.
I think Americans have now replaced their ‘special episodes’ with fantasy sequences or alternative realities. I don’t really mind them but they are more than likely to cause me to switch off.
You made me think if I’ve used anything as a story that I’d been told in confidence and only one sprung to mind. (I honestly thought there’d be more!)
I now wonder if I feel guilty about it – Maybe but there is no-one who would have recognised it and it was a very common set of events. I did also twist it around a few times so it wasn’t word for word.
Well that’s my excuse!!!
Thanks again!
Hugh
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Hugh
Nothing wrong with using secrets that are well wrapped–the one I had was so singular that the person would have known it right off. The downfall of TV began when Bobby Ewing got out of the shower!
Leila
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Afraid I’m gonna save up the line, ‘I’d never use the line,’ for a hoped-for special occasion. Thanks, Hugh!
And you’re dead right, ‘Terry & June’ was very lame, but for sheer unadulterated lameness ‘On the Buses’ limps home by a country mile.
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Hi Mick,
‘The Good Life’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ also spring to mind.
Britain did produce some excellent Sit-Coms but by fuck some of them were terrible.
…I wonder if we’ll be able to spot the line if you get around to using it!!
Thanks so much my fine friend.
Stay happy and healthy.
Hugh
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An interesting and entertaining post. I’m also a softy when it comes to all things animals, and the vacuumed cat line wouldn’t bother me. Maybe the trigger warning was for those who love their hoovers too much. Maybe that’s the line I’d never use.
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Hi David,
That line you mentioned does bring to mind some skits that could be written around an A&E Department!!
Thanks a s always my fine friend.
Hugh
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I’d never use the line “Mussolini loved his monkey.”
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Hi Marco,
Read your following post so that makes this a moot point.
You can add that to your brilliant prompt brain, you’ve even been prompted by a moot point!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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What was that song?
“Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Mussolini bit his ‘monkey’
Now it doesn’t work.”
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You know, of course, that I am compelled to write a story in which the opening line is “Mussolini loved his monkey.” I regret to say I have as of today made a good (?) start. Look for it soon in a submission queue near you.
m
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Eisenhower has more power whistle while you work. Old person 1952 election.
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I’ve had this line in my head for some time, trying to find the right story to attach itself to. I don’t know that I wouldn’t write it, just that I haven’t yet.
“Dad ran down the stairs naked, his pecker flopping about like Neptune’s trident in a maelstrom.”
I can’t figure out what he’s running from or to.
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Hi Thurman,
Something will come to you!
I’ve had a couple of ideas that took decades before they took off!!
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Hugh
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Late note – Fay Wray was around long enough to get killed in a Perry Mason episode if memory is accurate. More than just Kong’s girlfriend.
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Hi Doug,
I think I read somewhere that she was the voice of the scream. Any actress around those days who had to scream, it was Miss Wray’s voice.
Stay being you.
Hugh
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The studio didn’t want to waste a good scream. Can’t remember the name, but there is another famous scream that was used many times.
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I forgot to add – visited her home, Hope Alberta Canada I think.
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Great post as always. I don’t know that I have a line I would never share, but will think about that one. I’m not sure I remember when a Curley Wurley was 3p, but I do remember our local swimming baths costing 7 and a half pence. Last year I was a in a junk shop and paid 50p for an old 1/2p coin – 100 times its original value – there’s a metaphor or just an idiot in there somewhere (probably just an idiot).
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Hi Paul,
Thanks as always for your time and kind comments.
When we were in our early teens we used to frequent a legendary snooker hall in Ayr called Stricklands. We went in one afternoon and threw all our money together. We were 1/2 pence short for three hours play. Wee Danny wouldn’t waver and only let us play for two and a half!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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I really like this post, this blog is very useful for me. Thank You
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