Week 447 – Before Frank, DS Is BS And Recycling Plastic.

I seem to have a joke theme going on for now!

I don’t know why, I think it has just been coincidental on what I have been talking about over the last few weeks.

I give you the same joke in four different ways.

1. My wife was washing up all day today – I’ll really need to weigh her down.

2. My husband was washing up all day today – I’ll really need to weigh him down.

3. My partner was washing up all day today – I’ll really need to weigh them down.

4. Me being a non-binary a-sexual trans woman identifying as a trans lesbian man who identifies as a nondescript head of lettuce would never be so insensitive to kill any partner / soul mate / life buddy of any conation no matter how much they got on my enhanced non-breast feeding non- breast breasts.

First question that comes to me is, if we are to consider the joke literally before the reveal – How many fucking plates do we reckon they have?

My second question is – What works?

To me the first three are fine. There used to be an old joke telling technique where the teller would characterise the story with the names of those who were listening. To be honest, that, to me, was always shit and cringe worthy!

I think what I am saying, is if you are married, then the first two can be used. If you are in any form of a relationship, the third one can be used.

Now the fourth, (Maybe I exaggerated it a teeny bit -More than likely, maybe I undersold it?) sadly, no matter how fucking shit / awful / over-explained /considered / woke / sensitive this is, it’s fucking non-sense and complete horse-shit, nay, let’s go stronger, pig shit!

If we go down this be sensitive to everything road, we will need to ‘Give it a kiss and wave bye-bye’ (Anyone know the film line?’) to all forms of jokes. Jokes are about the absurd. The never to be done but is done. The deep darkness that we all can let out through the joke. The study of every weakness in our being. The voice that says ‘Fuck you’ to the establishment. The nasty. The cruel. And all those wonderful negatives that make us FUCKING HUMAN!!!!

Maybe the best way we can be sensitive is to realise when we don’t need to be sensitive.

Either that or those who enjoyed the fourth version should fuck off, never watch any older films, don’t read any literature and never listen to any music.

Ah, our old friend sensitivity!

I have mentioned this many a time, I hate double standards.

Gay marches are fine but you can’t have heterosexual marches.

If a woman is groped at a stag night, all hell breaks loose.

If a man is groped walking through a group of women, it’s just a bit of a laugh.

Calls for a black actor to play the whiter than white (In all ways) James Bond.

But no calls for Tom Cruise to play Dr King.

It is an insult to get someone’s pronoun incorrect.

But it is considered unacceptable to ask something ‘And what are you?’

If there is a punch up at a Rugby Match – It’s a physical game.

If a punch up happens at a football match, the player can be (And has been) arrested.

A kid can choose any toy that it wants to play with.

After choosing a toy, certain parents will offer an alternative, just in case.

The list goes on. Now I am not passing any opinion on these, I’ve just noted the double standard. Where anyone stands on these is entirely up to them. All I would ask is that we ALL accept that they are there and it may help us ALL being more tolerant.

The reason that I mentioned this was due to yet another double standard when a certain section of the Scottish fans booed the national anthem when they were playing England. The double standard is those who said that it was a disgrace and disrespectful. You could also argue that it was a disgrace and disrespectful to play that as certain folks would feel that way.

The point of that is, you can’t please all the people all of the time so maybe we should stop trying.

I suppose I need to emphasise some sort of disclaimer – Apart from the fourth version of the joke, all the other double standards have not come from my opinion on any of them. I can swear on a litre of Bacardi – I very seldom write what I know as I don’t know much…I write what I see and I have seen a lot!!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

I love when this happens – It just goes to show that we aren’t biased to our old guard.

Every story is from a newbie!!!!!

…Wait a minute!

…I also love when we have a week full of our established writers as it shows we aren’t biased to the new folks!!!

Maybe a mix is best…But not as awe inspiring!!

Anyhow, to each and every writer of this week, we send you a huge welcome and hope that you will be part of the site for many a year!

As always, our initial comments follow.

First up was Caleb Coomer with ‘Ceremony’

‘Powerfully written.’

‘Very visual.’

‘I could see how this sort of thing would mess with a child.’

On Tuesday we published, ‘Murder Most Foul’ by Matt Cunningham.

‘Very well done.’

‘Clever.’

‘Different and somewhat interesting!’

The week’s back was broken with Djordje Negovanovic’s ‘Love’.

‘The superb writing carries this through for me!’

‘Such a professional attitude Mr Negovanovic has!’

‘The repetition is used brilliantly!!’

On Thursday we had ‘The Bellowing Bells’ by Billy Stanton.

‘This has a weird but very interesting vibe.’

‘There is a charm in this somehow.’

‘This is one of those stories that makes you want to read it again.’

And we ended the week with ‘Mirror, Mirror’ by Morgan Nyx.

“Meatball eyes’ won it for me!

‘This is some witty writing!’

‘A bit of light-hearted fun!’

That’s us done and dusted.

Just the usual last few requests. Please keep commenting. To be fair that is going pretty well!

What’s not going so well is a ‘Thanks’ if you’ve been commented on! Remember your auld granny and her insistence of manners!

And as always, we have two different Sunday features, have a look back and please get involved. Mick Bloor can show you how it’s done!!

Just to finish I want to mention addiction.

We have the usual suspects, booze, drugs, gambling and (A nod to Mr Douglas not being able to keep it in his pants…Or mouth, when you come to think on it!) sex! But there are two weird ones. The first, not sure if this is only a British sweetie (Other-wise known as Candy) called ‘Toffyfee’. They are terrible. The initial toffee tastes like plastic. They are so sweet they hurt your teeth. There is a crap bit of chocolate on the top of them and inside there is a squidgy hazelnut.

But here’s the thing – When you take one, you will eat the other eleven! (I think there is twelve in a packet – I’ve never been able to count as by then I’m in the FSZ (‘Fee Stupor Zone)

When the sugar rush is by, you feel violated, appalled, disgusted with your self and you cry. Then you check your pockets for more money!

The next weird addiction is this song. The challenge is to play it four times on the bounce without singing the ‘Oooooooooo Oooooooooooo Oooooooooooo Oooooooo’ part!

Hugh

Image: Pixabay.com – laughing and crying emoticons.