Week 430 – Dear Food Balancing The Books, Mick Bloor / Mason Yates And *’I Smell A Watering Hole’

We’ve been really busy this week.

I reckon we had close to sixty submissions and most of them were at the back end of the week.

We’re more or less caught up, maybe with a few stragglers.

It’s been good. But it always seems to happen when we have someone on holiday, and in my case, trying to get two rooms ready for the decorator coming tomorrow!

It’s been fun though – Well not the wallpaper stripping. I’m not the smallest of people and have two arthritic knees so trying to squeeze behind a cooker ain’t much fun.

Talking of cookers, maybe it would be better to get rid of them when you see your gas / electric bills! It’s getting to the case where a kid is questioning why they had three sisters and now two, only to be told by their mother – ‘Shut the fuck up and eat your dinner!’

Out of all those submissions, we did get a few really interesting pieces of work which you’ll read around July.

We are still getting those ghost-like naked submissions, the ones where we know that there is a story there but the author has decided not to tell us about it. FYI – They are more than likely to be automatically red-carded.

Another automatic red is when folks we don’t know send us nothing but a link. The last time I touched a link, I ended up married to a Nigerian Prince…And it was me who had to send him the money for the marriage…I learned my lesson though, he can pay for the divorce!!

…Although it won’t cost him much as the marriage has never been consummated as I haven’t seen the heartless bastard. (I feel unloved.)

There were a few first-time submitters and even though their stories didn’t make it, their submissions were courteous and professional. If this happens, we will always point this out and offer them a few words of encouragement.

Okay onto this week’s stories!

We had three new writers for your perusal and two that I need to give a special mention to.

First off we have the gentleman that is Mick Bloor – He has made the three percent club. To be truthful, that may be lower which is even better! (I’m not that sure how to do the calculation without a helluva lot of counting!) There is only three percent of our writers who have made double figures in appearances on the site. Huge congratulations to you Mr Bloor!!!

And we also want to send out a tribute to Mason Yates who was a first-timer this week. We all bow down to Mason for his tenacity, perseverance and professionalism. I want to pass onto him how pleased we all were to see his story on the site on Wednesday!

Usual format, our initial comments follow.

First up was our first new writer, Steve Combs. His story ‘A Flower Bed Of Lies’ was published on Monday.

‘Funny and well written.’

‘Love the closing line.’

‘You were never expected to decide what was going on.’

On Tuesday we had the lovely lady that is Jane Houghton. She graced us, with what I reckon, is her fifth story.

‘The Glorious Both / And’ was next up.

‘The story flows so well.’

‘All kinds of snippets in the MC’s mind make this worthwhile.’

‘The ending was perfectly done.’

I’ve already mentioned Mason Yates and once again I can only state how pleased we were to see his first story, ‘Southbound Traveler’ published on Wednesday.

‘Nice rhythm.’

‘There’s a melancholy throughout.’

‘Quite thoughtful.’

Our last new writer was published on Thursday.

We were delighted to showcase Claire Marsh’s ‘Beasts’.

‘Strange idea that I loved!’

‘Some ‘Dark and stormy’ in it but Claire worked it well.’

‘Dark and sinister.’

And we finished off with the wonderful Mick Bloor – This gent has been a total pleasure to work with.

‘Hindsight And Occupational Choices’ finished off the week.

‘I like the fact that there was no manufactured misery.’

‘Amusing little thing.’

‘Novel and lightly delivered.’

Just the usual pokes.

Ah poke!! us Scots can normally find something crude in anything. But ‘poke’ doesn’t mean ‘shag’…Well it can but we normally use it for ‘prod’ or ‘paper bag’

The comedienne Helen Lederer said in the absolutely brilliant sketch show ‘Naked Video’, ‘Scotland is the only place you can go into a shop and ask for a poke and not get a smack in the mouth.’

Please keep commenting – It makes mine, Diane and Leila’s day if we see a million comments in the comments box. Isn’t exaggeration fun! (A hundred thousand would do!)

We have a few features at the weekend. I’m feeling lazy now – Look back and you’ll see ‘Auld Author’ features and ‘The Sunday Whatever’. We’re still taking any Re-Run ideas. I have prompted this so many times that I now reckon only those who want to do this will look back so it saves me repeating myself. I hate doing that unless I’m drunk and seemingly, I’ve been told, for me, that’s a given!

I heard or read something this week that made me laugh. It may have been Tam Cowan again but I’m not sure.

– When a wolf looks at a poodle it despairs at what has evolved from it.

That is the same despair that your grandfather feels when he sees your man-bun.

I think every generation has this type of example – Guys who grew up in the seventies may cringe at their mullet. Those in the eighties regret their perms and now-a-days, when these ‘Hip and happening trendy guys’ look at their wedding photos in twenty years, they will regret looking like, let’s be honest, what we all know, a fud.

You’d never have a cat who would allow you to give them a silly haircut. If they did, they would just be getting their defence ready for the heinous activity that they would surely spurge you with.

Do you know that you can spot a blind cat?

…It comes home tethered to a Labrador!

To finish with, a sort of Leila inspired list turned into a quiz. Quizzes are only good if you don’t use that All Knowing Racist Tit Alexa!

I was day-dreaming at work. Wait a minute, I was night dreaming. But does that not involve sleep?? Anyhow I was doing what I could to get the night by and not torch the place and I wondered what pubs from films or songs I’d like to have a hauf in or avoid like the plague? (Mr Manilow and Lola would never have my company!)

And that inspired this. (Off the cuff now – No phones!)

1. The name of the pub in ‘Roadhouse’

2. Who sung ‘Liar’s Bar’?

3. What film did the character ‘Severn’ kill a man in a bar with his spur and say the line ‘Finger-Licking good!!’

4. What was the famous cocktail from ‘Moe’s Tavern’?

5. Where did the ‘Goodfellas’ frequent?

6. Which Bikers Bar were Seth and Richie going to meet Carlos?

7. Where did Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega dance?

8. One of ‘The Bastards’ held three fingers up in which bar?

9. Where did Ted meet Elaine in Airplane?

10. How many geeks would not get the name of the tavern in ‘Star Wars’?

Bonus question – How many geeks would correct me with an ‘Episode 1V’?

Bonus, bonus question *Any idea what film that line comes from?’

…And a song – Well I missed the Eurovision week posting so here is a fucking terrible belter!!

It actually came in 7^th!!!!

Hugh