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Week 375 – What’s Wrong With Tom Brown? Squealing Like A Pig And It’s Refreshing For An MP To Be Watching Adult Porn.

Week 375 is upon us.

My turn once again after the brilliance of Leila and Daisy’s problem page!!!

I have an update!

I’ve said before how shit I am at titles and characters names. With the names, I normally grab a paper that I’m reading and look for the first few names that I see and they become my characters. However I’m glad that I didn’t do this a few weeks back as The Daily Record did a feature on Scottish baby names registered last year. And by fuck did we have some belters!!

I just wish that there had been pictures.

Not that I want to look at the wee mutants – All babies are fucking ugly…Sorry folks. You parents can try to persuade everyone otherwise but it doesn’t work.

I actually wanted to see the photos of the parents. I want to know what the fudwipes look like that give kids these names.

Please remember this is Scotland we are talking about. A lot of American names suit Americans but they sound ridiculous when we say them.

Take *Mr Reynolds for example. When Americans pronounce his name its sharp and crisp. But if we called a child that name, the r is extended and the t is virtually non-existent. The name sounds as if the person who is calling them has had a stroke.

Gwen checked this for me and was lost so maybe I need to explain which sort of fucks up the asterisk – Burt! I’m talking about Burt!!

I keep saying that the more exotic the kid’s name, the bigger the wanker the child grows up to be.

…And that is all because its parents are fucking idiots.

Here are the Scottish names.

Girls:

Aquamarine.

Bee.

Birdie.

Ginger.

Gypsey.

Mercedes.

Ocean-Blue.

Add a name like MacCraken to them and none of them sound even remotely acceptable!

Boys:

Thor.

Fury.

Great.

Dior.

King.

Otter.

Rascal.

River-John.

Winner.

Chip.

Thor really stands out. In my day at school this kid would have been asked, ‘Are you Thor?’ and before he could have answered he would have been kicked in the testicles and told, ‘You are now!’

…And fuck knows what the kids would have done to him.

Fury would have been re-named Furry and the sickos would have insisted on inspecting his arse for any downy fluff.

Great could never cry even if his granny died as he would then be known as ‘Great Big Pussy-Baws’.

Dior would simply be referred to as ‘Stinky Cunt.’

King would be beaten up every day as his class would state that they were a republic.

Otter would spend all his lunch times with his head down the toilet after being fed raw fish.

Rascal would be left alone but blamed for everything.

River-John couldn’t go near a river without being thrown in and asked ‘Are you now river, River- John.

Winner would be beat (up) every morning as the kids shouted ‘Loser’ at his bleeding nose.

Chip would be forced to continually do somersaults as his classmates would want to see a Chip Roll.

If you think I have written this for any comic value, you are wrong. I am just re-living my childhood!!

There was no crying and PTSD due to a selfie gone wrong in those days. Bullying was slightly more physical. There was no therapy available. The only advice you got was ‘Punch them back. At the very least don’t greet and they might pick on someone else.’

Our clergy, headmasters and The Samaritans were all on the same page with helpful help.

I’ll need to tell you sometime what happened once we moved onto Secondary School.

It just makes me realise that in days gone by a kids’ name was a nod to someone and a wee bit of a tribute with a wish that the kid would grow up with the same values of their name-sake.

Now-a-days it’s an attempt to give the kid a character that their fucking parents don’t have!!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had four new folks and Leila who has now amassed the amazing amount of 106 stories. I honestly think that with the imagination that Leila has, she will give Tom a run for his money in the numbers stakes. That is all good for the site!!!!

Just the usual welcome to our new folks. We hope you have fun, get involved and send us more of your work.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up on Monday was the very lady just written about.

I found it very apt that Leila’s story was called G.O.A.T – That acronym came into play as on the very day that this was published Ronnie O’Sullivan was winning his Seventh World Snooker title. (Whether any of you like snooker or not – Check out his 147 in just over five minutes. It really does make you think that snooker is an easy game.)

I think if we are still here in an other five years or so, Leila will also have that acronym!!!

Our enigmatic friend and fellow editor got us up and running.

‘A moonbeam of delight!’

‘Leila’s usual brilliance.’

‘I’ve just thought – I reckon you could market ‘Peety is a legend’ T-Shirts, with maybe a few quotes on the back of it.’

We published Cy Hill’s ‘Is It Me Or My Talent‘ on Tuesday.

‘I liked the silliness in this.’

‘Gives you a bit to think on.’

‘Good bit of perception.’

We broke the back of the week with Paul Kimm’s ‘Saturday Omelettes

‘Moving in a sad and sorrowful way.’

‘This portrayed grief very well.’

‘The writing is excellent.’

On Thursday we had Amber Hart with, ‘Donating Love

‘Excellent premise.’

‘Dark’

‘Loved how much she worked to get this the way it is – Excellent!’

And we finished off on Friday with ‘Rain Lady‘ by Abigail McCormick.

‘Great tone with a hint of mystery.’

‘Loved the writing and it was enjoyable to read.’

‘I liked the way the MC kept cutting back the distance she’d keep her passenger with the more the lady said.’

That’s the round up, rounded up.

Just the usual guys –

Please comment!

Please say a wee ‘Thanks’ to those who do comment.

And c’moan – I can’t remember the last time we had a suggestion for the Sunday Re-Run.

Leila is a cross between that wee guy who had his finger in a dyke (Ahem!) those 300 Spartans, Atlas and Victor Mature.

…Wait a minute, he wasn’t holding up, he was knocking down. (The film Samson and Delilah for those who only watch Podcasts and Reality shite! Any bible lovers should have spotted that!)

Anyhow – The soul wants some company so please, please send in a suggestion of an older story that you’ve enjoyed and throw in a few questions for the author!!! We’ll publish exactly what you’ve sent.

To finish off.

I see that an MP had to resign for watching porn in The House Of Commons.

He stated that he accidentally clicked on the wrong screen. (Aye that fucking old chestnut – Funnily enough that was the title of the film.)

To be fair to him he did genuinely click on the wrong screen.

He was actually wanting to watch the one with the three nuns and the priest who was nicknamed ‘Donkey.’

Hugh

*Just realised that shows my age – I didn’t consider Ryan!!

Image: – Pixabay.com

11 thoughts on “Week 375 – What’s Wrong With Tom Brown? Squealing Like A Pig And It’s Refreshing For An MP To Be Watching Adult Porn.”

  1. Beautiful post, Hugh.
    Too many parents vainly name children. They project their own fancies and do not consider that maybe a person would rather not grow up with a unique name. Seems to me some people put as much thought into naming a child as they give a Goldfish. And though I understand the tradition behind junior and senior I can’t support it because I see it the same as a father writing “mine” in Sharpie on the baby’s head. I hope G. feels better and that the Cats behave within reason.
    Also, Happy Mother’s Day to Diane and all who have it coming tomorrow.
    Leila

    Like

    1. Many of the people in my family have changed to middle name. My sister was Sharon Hawley before changing last name twice and first name once. A good thing because now I don’t have a sister and a wife named Sharon Hawley. Embarassing.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Hi Leila,
      I hate to disagree with you but I really do think that folks put too much thought into naming their child. And those thoughts are all wrong!!
      But here is something that agrees with you –
      I’m not sure if I have mentioned this on one of these posts but I heard a story (That, by fuck do I hope it’s true!!) about a young woman at an anti-natal clinic who looked up at an information poster for Chlamydia and stated, ‘That’s a nice name.’
      Thanks as always!!!
      Hugh

      Like

      1. Some diseases would make nice names. Could name the kids “Clydia”; “Sis-Phyllis”; “Vernonreal” and “Ithurztwhenipee.” Think of them as the “Von Clapp” family. The hills have eyes effected by paresis.
        Leila

        Like

  2. Another good post and roundup of stories. I sense another list … funny names or inappropriate names. Maybe politically incorrect names. Better yet … making fun of celebrity offspring names.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Me – Christmas time song – “Deck the halls with balls of Hawley”
    Nicknamed by Tom Dorsey (not the band guy) Musty Doug (glad for the nickname and if I wasn’t he’s dead now). I don’t think because it was for my experise in mycology.
    Names – I had a fictional couple (I forget which story I’m prolific or profound or professor I’m old and lose track [good thing it’s not loose track, people would stumble]) use “Sweet Dreams Moonbeam / Sleep tight Sunlight” and now we use it.
    The preceeding has been brought to you by flood of unconsciouness.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Doug,
      The greatest logic I ever heard for a name was for one of our canine friends. His owner called him ‘Deefur’
      ‘D fur dug.’ In this neck of the woods that is ‘D’ for dog.
      Thanks as always my fine friend.
      Hugh

      Like

  4. Great post as always Hugh. My brother and I were given two names. One for us to use and one to be held in reserve for just in case. My granddad insisted that my brother for example (Paul) may become a road diggger or some such and so he was given Harry to default to if he needed something butch! I once asked my mum why I was named Diane and the middle name Margaret (which I dislike very much except in the poem The Foresaken Merman where it scans beautifully) and she told me she didn’t know – I always knew I was a mistake !!! Care should be taken in the naming of children and poor Dior and King are not going to be happy when they are forty I don’t reckon and will have nabbed themselves a nickname as soon a possible. I really think you should have to ake and intelligence test before you are allowed to breed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Diane,
      It costs you a fortune on lessons to get a car but you can birth and then nurture a serial killer into serial killing without much intervention!!
      It is a really weird world.
      Thanks as always
      Hugh

      Like

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