Week 349 – Feet Coverings, A Wish On Mr Coopers Sexual Technique And A Recipe For A Burn Worse Than Thrush.

I need to thank Leila for the last two postings. She stepped in when I was a bit preoccupied.

But you have no such luck today folks as it’s me again.

Last weekend, mutants, freaks and the depraved had been gathering.

Coincidentally Halloween happened as well as the beginning of COP26.

I don’t know about anywhere else but traditionally where I live, if Halloween falls on a Sunday, the kids go out on the Saturday. The idea is that it is disrespectful to have any horror on the Sabbath.

Fuck me is that the height of irony!

Sunday was a special day for the likes of The Magdalene Sisters, ‘Father’ Paul Moore, Fifty odd defrocked priests and the few hundred who have all been convicted of some form of child abuse. (Britain only!) Sunday is more of a horror than any Halloween!

I wasn’t sure what COP26 stood for and had to look it up. It’s Conference Of Parties. I got the ‘C’ and ‘P’ wrong and I hadn’t a clue what the ‘O’ was.

I read somewhere that there will be 10,000 Police deployed which is just slightly short of the next Celtic – Rangers game.

I was walking to work the other night and I saw a load of buses and folks milling about the Racecourse. I wondered if Ayr had dragged itself into the twenty-first century and were having a flood-lit night meeting but no. That’s where the overspill Police are. When I found this out I pished myself. I could just imagine BigBaws Boris being in some sort of trouble and there needing to be a bigger police presence (Just like the next Celtic- Rangers match) and here we have the elite overspill police rushing the forty miles to Glasgow in four double decker buses at a top speed of forty miles an hour.

…At least they can say that they tried!

Glasgow will welcome all who attend the conference. The street vendors will stock up in sports socks. You always find someone selling sports socks in Glasgow, usually ‘Twooo fur uh pound!’

I’m sure President Joe will pounce on this wonderful deal as he does look as if he feels the cold.

His toastie tootsies won’t last long though as his toes will burst through in an hour. If he’s enraged and wants his money back, he’s fucked. No matter how good The Secret Service are, they’ll never find the seller. Jimmy ‘Willow The Wisp’ McBurnie resides in Brigadoon.

There will be a welcoming committee for all the leaders as they arrive at Glasgow airport. They’ll all be greeted in the same way –

‘Who the fuck’s that dobber?’

Although it will change when our beloved Prime Minister turns up –

‘Luk at the nick oh yoan cunt’

We are a respectful race.

Now onto our week’s stories.

We had no less than three new writers which meant we didn’t have two. We didn’t have four or more either so the ‘no less’ is a redundant phrase. Man! I don’t even need the words so why am I writing this pish?

I loathe myself at times!

As well as our newbies we had a record breaker (Most stories in one year) and one of the most professional and tenacious writers we have ever had as a returner!

Our topics this week include; thoughts of suicide, repressed tragedy, loneliness, an act, and revenge.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up was our record breaker, Mr Yash Seyedbagheri. On Monday we published his latest offering, ‘Cut Off’.

‘High Quality as always.’

‘The tone is beautifully judged.’

‘Sad and forlorn.’

On Tuesday we had our first débutante. We welcome all our fledgling submitters, want them to have fun on the site and most importantly, we hope to see more of their work.

‘Dixcove‘ by David Chappell was next up.

‘Excellent ending’

‘It was left up to the reader.’

‘Some very clever subtle touches!’

The back of the week was broken with Nicholas Katsanis and his first story, ‘Her Special Day‘.

‘The picture is a nice touch.’

‘Very well done.’

‘The raging hopelessness at the end was judged to perfection.’

Our last new writer, Henry Meyerson was published on Thursday with ‘Silence.‘

‘The tragedy of the son and the truth about the past had me hooked.’

‘Tremendous.’

‘This could have went wrong in so many ways but Henry held it together brilliantly.’

And on Friday we had the wonderful Rachel Sievers.

This lady oozes professionalism. I can’t begin to tell you all how hard she works at her craft.

It was an absolute pleasure for myself, Diane and Leila to see her have her second story ‘Except With Strangers’ finish off the week.

‘The tie in from title to last sentence was well done.’

‘Thoughts of a metaphor teases my brain!’

‘This is more about relationship than anything else.’

That’s us for another week.

I will be repeating myself yet again.

Ah – Repeating!

That gives me reason to quote a line from the amazing ‘Big Bang Theory’. The character of the frustrated Amy stated about her sexually reluctant Sheldon, ‘I hope one day to put his love of repetition to good use!’

Please comment guys!!

It gives us all a buzz. And we are genuinely interested on how the stories and the site come across to the three hundred or so folks who read it daily!!

Have a look at the re-run feature and get involved. I don’t think we’ve had a dozen different contributors, but those who do, make this a well-read feature.

Just pick a story that you’ve enjoyed, write a spiel or introduction and throw in a few questions for the writer. We’ll publish exactly what you send us.

Just to finish off, back to COP 26.

I’m not sure that Glasgow is the best choice. We don’t have many Gretas but we do have a lot of Glendas who’d sell their soul to reduce the price of a bottle of Buckie. So if it was a choice of saving fifty pence and having the tonic nectar in a plastic bottle against destroying the planet, I know where their loyalties would lie.

And let’s be honest, you can’t wrap smack up in brown paper, that would be shite and you’d lose most of it.

No – Plastic is always best!

And last thing – Fuck me, it’s amazing what you think on when your country is in the spotlight!

I bet Monica Lewinsky is pleased that she wasn’t at any conference with Big Bill in Glasgow. She handled a cigar but I think a *Mars Bar Supper would be a step too far.

Hugh

*’Luk at the nick oh yoan cunt’ – Look at the state of that fellow.

*Mars Bar Supper – The chocolate treat covered in beer batter and deep fried.

Image by bernswaelz from Pixabay