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Week 321 – Ted’s Fingering, Lists And A Kardashian’s Nipples.

Week 321.

Whenever I look at that number I remember an old game show that was on the TV late 70s – early 80s.

Ahh nostalgia – It can get us all emotional.

But not with Three, Two, One. (321)

It was terrible.

Ted Rogers was a terrible host and a terrible comedian. The skits were juvenile. The singers were awful and the quiz aspect was coma inducing.

After some juvenile games, the climax of the show was when you had to solve riddles. Each riddle, when solved, revealed a prize. You chose the one you thought was the best to keep. But there was a booby prize if you happened to choose that.

The booby prize was a terrible bin called ‘Dusty’. Ironically – It wasn’t the most terrible thing in the show.

I am aware of how many times I’ve used the word ‘terrible’!

The riddles were so vague as in:

What happens on a Wednesday

Can be balanced on a banana

Choose this clue

And you will be surrounded by gold.

So some poor schmucks would have to work that out. They would grasp on the gold word and keep that one.

Ted the terrible host / comic would then explain:

Let’s look at this line by line.

What happens on a Wednesday – Well Wednesday isn’t any other day of the week.

So does this point to when you buy presents – Maybe.

Can be balanced on a banana – Well, you could balance a diamond ring on a banana. (By this time the contestants are jumping up and down)

Choose this clue and you will be surrounded by gold – Does that meant that we are giving you a five thousand gift card for Ratners (You may need to look that reference up!)

WELL YES WE ARE!

The contestants are going wild.

And you know what Gerald said about his jewellery – It was all crap and where do you put something that is crap – IN THE BIN!!!!

You’ve won Dusty Bin!!!

Actually, that’s a bad example – It’s too logical!

He’d end the show by showing us what he could do with his fingers.

Actually he started that way as well – He was maybe terrible at something else. But fair play to him for being considerate to Mrs Rogers.

Normally nostalgia is when we look on something that was slightly naff with love and affection. I think with that show all nostalgia has done has made us wonder what the fuck we were drinking on a Saturday night to make us watch that shite.

The nostalgia smile can also come across us when we think on kids books we once read. But when we read them as an adult, do they make us happy or do we realise how simply they were written? Do we recognise those wee touches of darkness when the writer has rebelled and yearned to write a grown-up book? Do we read it and think – Fuck me that Calpol must have been strong in those days for me to enjoy this shite!

Onto this week’s stories!

We had two new writers and three stalwarts.

To our new folks, we welcome them, hope they have fun on the site and we really hope to see more of their stories.

Our topics this week include; a tip, an oven, a want, a question and leaving.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up was Yash Seyedbagheri who has become a bit of a regular over the last few weeks.

He got us up and running with his fourteenth story, ‘Iceberg Theory.’

‘I enjoy reading about these two.’

‘A very thoughtful piece of storytelling.’

‘Yash is such a lyrical writer.’

On Tuesday we had our first new writer.

Sam Skipper’s ‘Feline Psychedelia’ was next up.

‘Brilliant.’

‘This is funny without being silly / daft.’

‘Outrageous.’

Harrison Kim broke the back of the week with his eighteenth story for us.

The Conscience Test‘ was published on Wednesday.

‘This made me smile.’

‘Both characters are appealing.’

‘I think this is sweet.’

Next up was James Hanna for the sixteenth time.

Did You See The Tasmanian Devil‘ was our story in Thursday.

‘James controlled the pace beautifully.’

‘Excellent tone.’

‘An enjoyable read.’

And our last new writer, Callum Rowland finished us off.

Departure‘ was published on Friday

‘Very well done.’

‘It’s a familiar story but Calum did a cracking job with it.’

‘Really good writing.’

Okay folks, that’s the round up well and truly rounded up.

Just the usual reminders – Comments make the angels horny. (I thought I’d try a wee fantasy aspect with a risqué image to see if we could get some interest in commenting!

…Wait a minute…Do we want a comment from someone who wants to fornicate with a fairy!?!

(Please comment on the difference between fairies and angels – At least it would be something!)

And have a go at the Sunday Re-Run (Even though nobody has a go except the very few and Leila)

So many have promised and zilch – It’s like my teenage years all over again. (...Of course I’ll meet you Hugh!)

So if you do want a shot – Pick an older story that you’ve enjoyed and write a spiel or an introduction for it. Throw in a few questions for the writer and we’ll publish exactly what you send us.

Just to finish off, there are so many initial submissions we receive where some writers shout from the mountain tops what they’ve done and how successful they are. Others are very understated and let their stories tell us about them as a writer.

This made me think on what I would consider a literally pecking order – I hope I don’t burst anyone’s bubble, you think what you want folks but this is the way that I see it. Which means nothing, but if it irks you – Then maybe you need a wee reality check.

Lets go from the ridiculous to the meaningfull.

1. Publishing yourself and it costing you more than you make.

2. Vantage publishing. See above. But I need to put them second in the meaning nothing list as at least some robbing unscrupulous bastard is making a living from this.

3. Being published in anthologies – Great for the pride but no matter how good or bad you are, you’ll find a publication out there that’ll publish you.

4. Getting your work on a site that will accept anything. I still have a fondness of these types as that is where we all met. But for you as a writer, it doesn’t mean much.

5. Being published on a site like this one – The work is scrutinised and decided on so you are getting somewhere when sites like these take you on.

6. Getting a few quid for an article or story – Now this means a bit more as someone has acknowledged your work.

7.Getting a book published.

Thinking about publication, I would guess that the level of difficulty regarding genre would be:

Poetry – This establishment is so up their own arse it is criminal.

Shorts – I have quoted Koontz a few times – He stated that he was happy to be a successful author as this was the only way that he could have his book of shorts published.

Kids books – Every fucker that has told their kid a story reckons that it is publish worthy. There is such a vast number of submissions, unless you are a fucking princess or celebrity then you have no chance. The reason I put it here on this list is there are a load of sodding celebrities!

CMT – The problem is the amount that are submitted. That bitch Jessica Fletcher has so much to answer for. She is a one woman Scooby Doo marathon.

Romance – The easiest to get published. You don’t need quality, just a picture of a heaving torso and a description of green eyes.

I want to make something clear, I am not ripping the piss out of anyone and what they do or have done.

Me, we’ll I’m stuck between 3 and 5

But no matter what you do, no matter what success or lack of it anyone else thinks you have achieved, you have won a watch in one condition –

If you truly enjoy writing – Any success or failure is only a consequence of that initial love!

Hugh

PS – Well done us! On Wednesday we reached a milestone. We’ve now had half a million visits to our site without us showing a Kardashian with her tits out.

…To be fair – If we had shown a Kardashian with her tits out a minute after we started in 2014 we would have reached that number then and there!!

***

Oh I didn’t pick up about the half million – we should have had a get together – some food a few drinks … oh wait!

Ah well. It’s pretty brilliant though that we’ve done it without ever having to resort to – well to other stuff shall we say. dd

Image – google images.

7 thoughts on “Week 321 – Ted’s Fingering, Lists And A Kardashian’s Nipples.”

  1. You do know that I must google this Ted person, don’t you? Perchance he’s on YouTube?

    Like anything else of value, getting published should be earned. It should happen because you created something that other people find worthwhile. When I was small, I imagined how wonderful it must feel to either hear your song on the radio or see something you made up in real print.

    Excellent post as always.
    LA

    Like

    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks as always.
      Yep, I’m quite sure you’ll find Mr Rogers on Youtube.
      Not sure if he started out in ‘The Comedians’ which was a show in the 1970’s. If you ever want to hear some very ‘now-a-days’ inappropriate material, check that out!
      Hugh

      Like

  2. “Please comment on the difference between fairies and angels”!
    Fairies leave a trail of empty Buckfast bottles leading into the bushes whereas angels pick up after their Poodles.
    I don’t get out much, but at night but I can hear them frolicking among the dandelions singing about cockle shells and spice. They sound a lot like Radio Four characters in some long running country caper, where they forget to muck out the pigs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi James,
      You have painted some images in there.
      Buckfast drinking Fairies is intriguing!
      Thanks as always, it’s great to see you around the site!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Diane,
    What an image.
    His big plastic face looking so false.
    …I’m not even going to dignify this with the punch-line!!!
    Hugh

    Like

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