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Week 316 – Subservient Pricks, An Unpleasant Repair And Why Steve Was Screaming.

This week some British people have been trying to decide what is fact and what is fiction. That’s a cracker as those who wonder are more than likely to bow and will believe what they’re told, depending on who tells them. Me, I don’t give a cat’s coke.

I had my own thing to think on and it’s something very serious and worrying. It isn’t spoken about and it must be exposed.

When I was a kid, there used to be so many hedgehogs about. You saw the wee beasties everywhere, They were eating snails in your garden, shagging surprisingly noisily or lying flattened on our main roads. I can’t remember the last time I even saw a squashed one.

I have a theory. I think there is a serial killer killing hedgehogs and I think it’s ‘Sonic’. They started disappearing when he appeared. I believe he was jealous of Mrs Tiggy Winkle and decided to slaughter them all to get some hog status. It’s worked. Sonic is now top of the all time famous hedgehog list and Mrs Tiggy Winkle isn’t even considered something that a fledgling serial killer would want a poke at if she was lying dead in the road.

What merchandising would a kid want? An interactive, all seeing, all doing, gun shooting, singing and dancing Sonic with Bluetooth or a china tea-cup with a picture of Miss Potters creation?

I think someone should write the story to expose Sonic. They could disguise it as fiction but we’d know the truth!

We still get quite a few kids stories in even though we don’t publish them unless they can resonate with an adult audience.

Not long after J.K had the success that she had, there were many publishers who wouldn’t look at a childrens book. She inspired a lot of parents to write the pile of shite that they told their kids to bore the wee mutants into sleep. Publishers very quickly realised the quality that they were going to be flooded with and bombed it out before that happened.

I think what finished it was when a lady called L.M Lowrin tried to pitch her books: ‘Gary Cotter And The Three Sixths Plasma Princess’, ‘Gary Cotter And The Masonic Budgie’ and ‘Gary Cotter And The Beaker of Burney’.

In a way it saddens me to see actors etc writing childrens books as they are taking the writing away from those who have no chance of being published to those who because of who they are have every chance of being published.

It’s the same with DJ’s here in Britain. Being a DJ was a specific job but now it is outsourced to many a comedienne. There are not many local shows anymore – There is a generic access to Paddy McGuinness or Frank Skinner.

Diversifying isn’t a good thing, it’s ruined our shops, our books, our industries, our jobs and our radio stations.

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had two old friends, a returner and two new folks.

We welcome both our newbies, hope they have fun on the site and as always, we want to see more of their work.

Subjects this week include; murder, a killer, a substitute, a reason and a conversation.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up was Yash Seyedbagheri.

Yash’s work has a common theme but every one is a gem and has that wee bit something that makes you sit up and notice.

Sister Teacher‘ was his ninth outing for us.

‘Mesmerising.’

‘The reader feels real sympathy.’

‘The facts were all there with the emotions that went with them.’

Leila Martin was our first new writer of the week.

Last Night At The Aquarium‘ was published on Tuesday.

‘Well built tension.’

‘I like how this changes from what you initially think it to be.’

‘Well structured and a story well told.’

Our returning author was Townsend Walker. He broke the back of the week with, ‘Why Junie Jumped.

‘You can see the work that Townsend has put into this.’

‘It’s one of those that you are happy to read all the way through.’

‘There is more to consider than you first think.’

Strangely enough David Lohrey is on the same total as Yash.

Step Right Up‘ was next up.

‘I loved the tone.’

‘The characters are engaging.’

‘David has hit his usual standard.’

And we finished off with our second new author.

‘Sweet Dreams was Stephen Mark Taylor’s first story for us.

‘I really did enjoy this.’

‘I’m glad to read she’s having a nice nap!’

‘I hope she gets rid of the pillow – You can never be too careful!’

That’s us for another week.

Usual guys – Please keep commenting.

And have a go at the Sunday Re-Run. If you want to know, and are a comment virgin, pop your cherry and ask as a comment – Scary stuff!!!

Just to finish.

Every now and then I’m happy to embrace my inner child.

What I do, is listen to Gary Glitter, read ‘The Clue Of The Screeching Owl’ eat Pot Noodles and drink bottles of Fustenberg with Harveys Bristol Cream chasers.

It maybe should be Woodpecker Cider but by fuck did I have a bad experience with that. Let’s just say I nearly fucked up my mum’s twin tub with chunks of vomit and I learnt a few lessons that day. *(Who knew that pouring raw bleach onto her good towels would stain them. In my drunken state I thought it would take out the cider vomit but was wrong. I threw the towels out and my sister got the blame for leaving them at the swimming pool. The next day I learned how to de-vomit the waste-pipe of a washing machine)

It was our anniversary last week and my lovely wife bought me something that has taken me back to my childhood. Over the next few days I will be watching the complete set and off-shoot crossovers of ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’.

However it does raise some questions that my more mature (Hah! That’s debatable!!) mind thinks on:

1. How bionic would six million dollars get you these days? You can’t even get a decent Goalkeeper for that.

2. Is there any chance that you could have your own hand but a bionic arm? And how would that effect masturbation?

3. If he did have the one bionic leg and he decided to go for a long run, would this cause some type of ‘China Syndrome’ as he ran round in circles?

4. With one bionic eye, how fucked up would his dart game be? He’d be going for the bull whilst his other eye was looking out the window at some buxom lady rubbing sun tan lotion into her body on the beach three miles away.

To re-write the opening sequence for these days with unsaid sub-text it would be something like:

…Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive.

(Cause BUPA’s fucking dear.)

We have the technology.

(We can pull some bits off a Furby.)

We have the capability to make the worlds first bionic man.

(But that would fuck up his chance for Disability Allowance.)

Steve Austin will be that man.

(But we’ll need to warn him about the wanking. We don’t want to get sued if he pulls his dick off.)

There is such romance to what childhood memories inspire!

Hugh

*Diane, you know I leave the images to you but I would like to say that vomit, towels or a twin-tub, I have no problem with but Sweet Woodpecker Cider, still, forty odd years later still **’gies me the boak!!’

** Gies me the boak – Gives me an attack of dry-heaving.

This is torment – pure torment – should I – should I – hmm – then there’s Gwen – not nice for Gwen – oh well.

You’re welcome Gwen have a vicious hedgehog instead – sigh – dd

Image – Google images.

***********************************************

sorry – sorry

snigger. – dd

11 thoughts on “Week 316 – Subservient Pricks, An Unpleasant Repair And Why Steve Was Screaming.”

  1. Happy anniversary. I never spell that word right, and I didn’t now, had to google it. Usually put too many esses or Rs and not enough N’s. Regardless, Happy aniverssarry. Nowadays six million will get you a bionic thumbnail or two-thirds of a house in California, but all my loyalty, if anyone’s in the market for it. Maybe six million is enough to bribe someone in the FDA to okay the sale of Buckfast in America. Or maybe a better way to go is feed them Buckfast until the pettifog okays its sale and pocket the six million. Used to have stuff called “Four Loko” (America’s Buckfast) but it got yanked.
    Excellent post and excellent images as always.
    LA

    Like

    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks as always.
      I’ve never liked Buckfast. I think it was because my old gran was on the Sanatagen Wine for iron and I had a taste – It was disgusting and when I tasted Buckfast, I thought that they were very similar.
      I knew a guy who was my age and he still enjoyed a Buckfast and Guinness. I am happy to try most things but decided to give that a miss.
      I made a few jugs of alcoholic Lilt last night and it had a fair kick. (Whitley Neil’s Grapefruit Gin, Cointreau, Prosecco and topped up with some pineapple juice.)
      I think six million is the exact figure that I would need to sort all the things that are wrong in my house!!
      …Sod that, I’ll just make up a few more jugs and live with it!!
      Hugh

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  2. We had our first encounter with a hedgehog when we were living in Belgium. One peeked in our slider glass door in the middle one night. Our dogs saw it and went crazy. That caused the hedgehog to roll itself into a ball. The dogs barked more and the hedgehog was too scared to move. Which meant the dogs kept barking. Don’t recall how the whole thing ended. We don’t see to have hedgehogs here in our part of the U.S.

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    1. Hi Dave,
      They really are cute wee beasties and it is sad that we don’t see them so much. I don’t really know why. Maybe there are too many roads or their environment is being ate up. I’m quite sure it us that is causing it in some way.
      I wrote a poem years ago and I had the line, ‘Let the world abort the bastard that it bore.’
      The older I get, the more I agree with that!
      Thanks as always my friend.
      Hugh

      Like

  3. Hi Marco,
    What about Mickey – He could run amok in Disneyland!!
    I’ve always thought there something evil about that weird huge mouse with his squeaky voice!
    Hugh

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  4. Hi Hugh
    As usual, you write a fascinating rehash of eclectic topics, and while I grew up on two (Yes 2) very different continents I can relate to some of them. Hedgehogs: as a kid, we had several critters give birth in our shoe room ( yes, we had a room for shoes, there were 11 of us). They are so cute. I also remember seeing farmers in the village carry them on shovels to the river, so there goes your Sonic theory. Now I enjoy Purdy’s hazelnut nougat hedgehogs, I am not reimbursed to say that on here.

    Six Million Dollar Man and Bionic Woman were two of my favorite shows, and I’m still in shock that we progressed (somewhere) from million to billion, and I didn’t get the memo.

    About rich/famous people writing books: yes it must be nice to be able to afford not only a professional editor and PR firm and possibly a ghostwriter. But they don’t have a Hugh and Diane team; unless of course, you are working side jobs.
    Have a great week!

    Like

  5. Hi Monika,
    I love nougat in all it’s forms.
    I did hear that it was easy to cook a hedgehog as you just covered it in mud and threw it in a fire, (When the wee soul was dead of course!) When the mud hardened and you open it, all the spines fall off. I’ve tried a few things in my time, but not that.
    I actually am a bit pissed off that I loved those two shows as due to me having a wee thing for Miss Wagner, I watched Scruples!!! I was young and didn’t know any better.
    Thanks as always for you being around!!!
    Hugh

    Like

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